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Relationship Advice: Ask Dr. Rachel

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Psychologist and relationship therapist, Dr. Rachel Allyn, answers questions about how to get the most out of our relationships at home and at work.
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How do you know that you have found the one? My friends always talk about butterflies in the stomach. The giddy feeling etc etc. I personally think it is more so about finding someone you actively dec… more

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I’m in a new relationship. It feels very imbalanced. Whether we meet and what we do often turns on their availability/tiredness/state of mind and changes therein. For example, I get a text saying they… more

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Do you need to be married to have couples therapy ? I.e if a couple who isn’t married yet already needs therapy is that bad ?

Has anyone successfully navigated a relationship while going through the “anxious-avoidant trap”? Were you able to resolve it with your significant other? If so, how did you do it? And if you chose to… more

I've been on two dates with a guy from hinge that is so sweet and nice but I'm just not feeling any "sparks". My friends told me to give it at least 3 dates before I make up my mind.… more

I am divorced, no kids, and dating to find a long term partner. I live by myself, and every time I think of settling down, I find myself wanting my own bedroom and of course want my SO to have his own… more

26F and just getting into dating. It’s been crazy! Is there a “normal” amount of time for the talking phase where you’re texting and going on your first few dates ? When do you know if they aren’t int… more

The mood at home has become horrible due to my wife's work. She hates her job so much to the point that she would get off work and be couped up and often lose control of her emotions. Other than w… more

We had really good first 3 dates and spent multiple hours each date. I slept over at his place on the third date, didn’t go all the way. The communication died down after and he stopped responding to … more

Taking a moment to decompress. I always say “movement is medicine.” Long day of clients so I didn’t have time to respond to all. But I’m determined to get to all your questions so I’ll continue to answer them for the next two days and will be sure to get back to you!

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I'm in a long-distance relationship with someone who is 15 years older. He has a 10 yr old son that he co-parents with his ex. The child was a result of an early fling, and he never married this e… more

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Curious to know - what are some ways your relationships have improved for the better as a result of the pandemic?

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I don’t think I’m happy in my relationship at all. But for some reason I don’t want to end things and it’s not even out of the comfort of “having someone.” I think I see a lot potential for us as husb… more

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Last year was very tough for my husband and I. We were both stressed out to a point where we were emotionally unavailable to each other. And I could feel that he has fallen out of love with me. Divorc… more

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I’m bisexual (Male) and worry that most women will feel turned off by that revelation, but I want to be open and authentic with my partners. Relationship worthy attraction for me is physical + mental… more

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In a relationship with a man who is almost 10 years older than me and we had a serious conversation about the fact that he will never want to get married. Not because of me, but he just doesn’t believ… more

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Do you really KNOW that you want to marry someone? Dating a girl who’s been my good friend for many years. We have a good relationship, but im unsure we could get married. Not sure if I’m just scared … more

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What are you reading right now? Here are a couple great books on relationships (and of course I couldn’t help but include the one I recently wrote!)

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My boyfriend admitted to me that he often finds himself attracted to other women. I don't feel the same way about other men. Is this normal or are most men able to control their desires when they&… more

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In a (very) new relationship and my partner (M) told me he wants me to break off friendships with my male friends. He told me he plans to do the same with his female friends. Is this a red flag?

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My partner and I will be moving across the country for my job, and he’s able to remain at his company from the new city. What are the conversations we need to be having to reduce resentment, friction,… more

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I am not great at forming "deep" connections with people and tend to mind my own business. I've noticed an emphasis on soft skills recently and want to get better at this, but it's n… more

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How can you really tell if someone is interested in you? Like what if it is kind of clear but also vague? I don't feel like it's my place to ask and I prefer to be pursued. Do I just wait?

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How to handle a narcissistic ex husband who continues to try to control me, gaslight and threaten me when it comes to my daughter. Really trying to have a positive coparenting relationship but he is v… more

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My husband and I get along great on the weekends - we are amazing cohosts, we love to go out together, we find eachother compelling and charming. We also do well in “emergencies” - when one of us is s… more

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Hi Rachel! Holiday question - How should I balance my personal “wants” vs. family obligations during the holidays? I am exhausted, want to stay home and rest, do my hobbies, while SO wants to fly to … more

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How can I overcome the struggle that has ensued after discovering my partner has been cheating? I’m having a hard time being able to trust my partner.

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I have to head into some client sessions but will be back around 11:30CT to answer some more for a half hour. I’m mainly answering them in the order the questions came in, so if it takes me a while to reply that’s why. In the meantime Louie my Siberian cat will be holding down the fort!

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How can one keep a relationship alive and healthy despite extreme libido mismatch? Any tips for the higher drive and the lower drive partner?

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What is the best way to find dating partners in a new city? I’ve moved to a new city and don’t know anyone and am currently working from home so I don’t have any in person co workers either

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Good morning everyone! I’m here at my desk in my Minneapolis office with my cup of matcha excited to review and respond to your questions. I have clients during the middle of the day but will be able to reply this morning, during 15 min increments between clients, and then for a couple hours during the end of the work day. Looking forward to connecting and helping with your questions related to relationship issues!

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I got out of a 6 year relationship last year (which is my first relationship ever - we started dating when I was 18), and now I have a terrible fear of commitment. I don’t enjoy sleeping around, but … more

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Picking a country to live and work in: my spouse is a Mexican citizen (with US green card) who works in Mexico City, and I'm a US citizen. We want to live together, but my spouse has great career … more

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I recently met someone in another country where I’m working remote. He asked me to be his girlfriend but I’m moving in about a month. He doesn’t want to do distance unless I move back (which is an opt… more

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How do you navigate tense interactions with in-laws? Middle eastern family doesn’t like Asian partner, Asian family doesn’t like middle eastern partner. I’m hesitant to have kids if this continues.

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My partner feels at unease around my parents. She thinks that my mother doesn’t like her (she adores her) and feels like she doesn’t fit in. I don’t see what she is seeing but I also want to support h… more

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I work in a role that has pretty much no work-life balance, so my life is mostly consumed and defined by my role. I really don't connect personally with people at work, because work is work. But I… more

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I have a work-related question. I work very closely with someone who's personality I really can't stand. They are abrasive, rude, detached, and also a superior to me. I have no one to bring th… more

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What are your thoughts on assortative mating? There's been a lot of talk in the "Singles Bowl" on this app that men won't approach a woman because she's too hot and vice versa. D… more

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My initial career mentor was my only direct boss, who developed feelings for me that I did not reciprocate(and told him as plainly several times). He couldn’t let it go, and then bitterly retaliated. … more

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