(1/2)

AITA?

A friend and I went for brunch. Everything was ok but she was quiet for long periods of time in which she seemed kinda checked out. After walking alone together for almost 1 hour during which she said nothing we met up with another couple of my friends. Anyway side from almost totally withdrawing to text other people when we went to a restaurant for dinner she spent 90% of the time texting and reading articles on her phone. The real kicker was when...
CONTINUED

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A little empathy goes a long way. She’s clearly going through a lot; don’t make this all about yourself

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If it’s an isolated incident, I would overlook it. Especially if it’s out of character for her, she was obviously overcome by the situation.

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OP, the day after my wife died, my best friend took the day off work and spent it with me. We barely held any conversation. We sat at a restaurant outdoor table and didn't say a word. I was not capable of holding a conversation at the moment and that was ok with him.

I don't know you and I don't know your friend. However, If a normally chatty friend went out to dinner with me 1:1 and was distracted and distant, my response would not be outrage and anger. Instead I'd assume that they were hurting and suffering. I'd gently ask what was wrong and give them space to talk about it at their comfort level. Even if they declined to talk about it, I'd allow them to simply be with me in a quiet space.

Many (most?) people don't have healthy mechanisms for dealing with extreme stress. I'd think of such situation as a chance to provide some support to a suffering friend.

I'm not calling you an a-hole but I recommend you approach your friend with some compassion instead of outrage.

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This!

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YTA

likefunny

SC1 Everyone Sucks Here

OP, this is clearly not an AITA post. People have given you their honest opinions to be more empathetic and understanding and your responses are pretty combative, indicate that you are not receptive, and are probably here for validation of your feelings, not actual advice.

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lol phone obsessed woman

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YTA

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OP: *blatantly misunderstands people’s comments re: empathy to make themselves feel better*

She clearly has a lot (else) on her mind. I would let her be and reach out if/when she’s ready to talk and give her space.

And if she’s not proactive about it, then I would let it be and you have your answer too

Overall, I wouldn’t put too much mindshare and lose sleep over it as this is a new friendship that may or may not last

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McK 3 - that's a good plan

OP your friend’s behavior was rude. However I think most people if they understood their friend was in the presence of people they didn’t know too much would 100% forgive them for not opening up and shutting down - especially if lawyers and job security are involved.

Your response to her lacks empathy and kindness and I understand why she felt when it was just you two she couldn’t confide in you. Then seeing you blow up at internet strangers when you came on this forum to ask for honest opinion further validated what I’m envisioning to be your confrontational/victim mentality even further.

Just stop engaging and trying with her.

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Thanks Manager 1. Thing is we've already had a nice calm conversation over dinner about this kind of behavior once already.

Did you at any point ask if she was okay or if anything was going on? You mention promoting her to talk but creating a safe environment for a serious conversation is different from just trying to fill silence. It’s not always easy to broach a serious subject, and sometimes you think it will be okay to realize it’s not. It sounds sort of like the situation just snowballed from there.

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OP, all I can say is I’m surprised anyone tells you any of their problems. Have fun continuing to rage at people here.

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You've only known her for 1 year during the pandemic, so perhaps this is not really the friendship you were expecting it to be or hoping for, so maybe drop her off your future invite lists. Yes, I would have been irritated and hurt by her behaviour, but she sounds as if she had other stuff on and was not comfortable sharing with 3 others who have known each other for the best part of 2 decades. Chalk it up to exierience, this one didn't quite work out as you'd hoped.

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*blink blink*

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@Op, I read the whole post and the message screenshot and can totally understand your friend. She was in a different state of mind. Have you ever been in a situation where you are on the brink of losing your job? Also if she is contact with the lawyers means either she is on visa which makes everything much more serious because it’s a life changing thing much more higher than you feeling ignored. The other reason might be if she is being harassed at her workplace viz a huge deal too. You could have just let her be.

Also reading your responses here I am sorry to say but you aren’t a great friend. You are just being selfish and not at all thinking about things from her side.

Her mistake was not to excuse herself and maybe go home instead of making it awkward for everyone but I hope you understand why she was so distraught.

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Damn OP really out here claiming they know everything that’s going on in this other individual’s life but also being annoyed said individual didn’t talk to them this one time

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Yes

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Everyone goes through tough times, I have too. And if she had truly been in such a low spot she should have excused herself and left and not ruin it for everyone. I don’t think the situation you are describing is enough to justify such irrational behavior from her part. I would move on.

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(2/2) CONTINUED

The real kicker was when she got into an ACTUAL LIVE PHONE CONVERSATION with someone else for at least a good half an hour.

I was furious. I was honestly ready to leave her there but my other friends got her attention despite being mostly ignored all night in favor of her phone. They made comments that maybe she was bored with their conversation.

As I said she continued talking on the phone the whole time. From what I could hear she was just ranting about her job which she hates and thinks she's about to get fired from. At one point we got separated and I just let her be and continued the evening with my other friend.

She called me today twice (a couple days later) but I dodged her calls. When she texted me she first said that she was on the phone and got separated as if that's an excuse.

I responded with "Why were you on the phone for so long? It's like you weren't really with us or didn't really want to be with us."

She's said she was going through some serious shit at her job and how she needs support and it's a little difficult to do small talk with people she doesn't know.

Now she's actually met one of my friends before a couple of times but only on the last couple of months. Fine. She mentioned her job a little during dinner. But most of all we were walking together *alone* for about an hour before meeting up with these friends and she said pretty much nothing. If she needed support so badly and didn't want to unload all this on people she doesn't know that well she had over an hour to do so not including the time we spent at brunch. I was even trying to prompt her to talk as I sensed tension.

Anyway, after telling her all of that I said:

"There's just no excuse for spending all your time in your phone reading articles and then spending all that time in a phone conversation when you're at least supposed to be with people. The rudeness was just astonishing."

Anyway, the screenshot below was her response and mine is in blue. Can you believe this chyt? Do some people think being a good friend means allowing people to treat you like chyt? To just be ok with people talking on the phone for 30 minutes when they're supposed to be present with you? I've dealt with a lot of this kind of thing (people constantly distracted by their phones) but I thought this was beyond the effing pale and she deserved to get her a$$ left.

I think my reaction was justified but I want to know what other people here think...

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Oh OP, we do see that. We’re just also saying you handled it poorly. And you’re choosing to continue to fixate on the second bit and being a jerk to people on this forum (who you asked for advice, mind you) because of it.

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How close are you two?

Wow! I wouldn’t hang out with her anymore. And also don’t listen to mutual friends or psychotherapists on this - you have no obligation to hang out with her. Just let it go- she has problems and they aren’t yours and don’t make them yours. Especially since you barely know each other! If this was your childhood best friend or something it may be different - even then, sometimes friendships fizzle and that is also ok.

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