First time mum expecting for 22 weeks now, found out that my baby girl has unilateral cleft lip during my 20 week ultrasound. What was expected from that ultrasound was just to confirm baby’s health, size, and gender, turned out into a whirlwind of emotions for me. Spend 7 hours straight with genetic counselors, craniofacials, and advanced fetal testing in the hospital. I’ve joined support groups in forums and Facebook and it does nothing but drag me into a state of depression.

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I’ve been through a similar experience after my 20 week scan with 2 defects identified, one requiring surgery after birth. Take the time you need, including PTO, and definitely talk to a therapist if helpful for you. The thing that helped me and my husband most was talking to friends and family about it and not hiding the issue. Once we got used to the news we haven’t let it steal the joy from our first pregnancy and we’ve tried hard to make things as “normal” as possible. We’ve found things to be grateful for, including knowing the news in advance so that we can research and be prepared, and do things like meet the surgeon and talk with other families. We’re a few weeks away from delivery and we honestly think about it a lot less than you would expect — it gets better. Sending you positive thoughts!

likeuplifting

I know this news is unexpected and all you wanted was the news that she was perfect, and this sucks — I think you should take whatever time you need to react and process. Talk to a therapist if you’re able to. Soon, you’ll go into mama mode and come up with the plan you need to care for her when she’s earthside. The good news is, there are so many resources available, and now that you have this information, you can work with the right doctors to figure it out. That doesn’t make it easier, or less disappointing. I’m sorry, mama. Stay strong. Feel your feelings. Focus on yourself. You’ve got this.

likeuplifting

Hi, OP. This must be so hard! My brother was born with a cleft palate in the ‘80s, and my parents (and the doctors) had no idea of his condition until he was born. No family history here either. My father talks about how the doctor handed him my brother, who looked so tiny and blue, he was initially terrified that something was horribly wrong! But the doctors assured him it was a cleft palate, and completely treatable. My brother had to have surgery a few weeks after he was born, plus additional surgeries when he was 6 and 12, I believe, so the palate could be corrected as he grew. Through it all, my brother was just fine. Mentally, he was used to going to the doctor since he was young, so for him it was totally normal and not scary. Obviously it was tough for my parents, too, but guess what - the family jokes about how difficult *I* was a baby because I had terrible colic for months. They never say my brother was tough! He was always such a happy baby, took everything as it came with no issues.

He had a very happy and normal childhood, and now has a very successful career in his dream job. You’d never know looking at him that he had a cleft palate. All this to say - you’ve got a journey ahead, but there’s every reason to expect a perfectly healthy and happy child. You can do this, OP! 😊❤️❤️

likeupliftinghelpful

Thanks for the uplifting story! The thought of going in and out of the hospital with an infant is definitely terrifying... not knowing what my child is capable of and how she will face it growing up... hope she will be a strong willed child that take everything as it comes. :)

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First - I’m so sorry. This sounds so hard to go through emotionally and I wish you nothing but positivity. My husband is Chinese as well and he fervently hates the superstition. We love his parents but purposefully moved from LA to Atlanta to get some distance, as their superstition was psychologically impacting our mental health in pregnancy. His mentality now is, if it isn’t grounded in science then why bother with it? And while easier said than done, maybe that’s the thought process you can get to eventually. I don’t think there’s science connecting noise with cleft lip. Furthermore I’m sure part of the motivation for the remodel is to give your baby an amazing place to grow up. Take solace in the fact that you are doing everything you can for the baby right now and in the future.

likeupliftinghelpful

Yeah the rational side of me is saying I didn’t do anything wrong. The irrational side of me is putting all the blame on not “avoiding” things that could’ve made it wrong. It’s such a dilemma. But you’re right... the superstition is a lot to handle, I’m glad you get yourselves out of that toxic environment.

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This depression is taking all drive out of me, do not feel like working at all - ignored all emails and ghosted all calls/IMs for work. It’s my promotion year to Manager and was doing so well for the first 6 months and now this. Feel like I’m failing everyone around me and I don’t know how to get out of this mental state of mind.

I spent my days going down the rabbit hole of researching about cleft lips/palate.

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Take a week or two off. When I had a medical emergency with a family member, my team was extremely supportive even though I was the manager for an in flight project. My partner brought in someone else to cover for me which allowed me to take a three week leave of absence. I was able to cover the emergency and get back in the right frame of mind. In the end it did not impact my progression at all. It’s better to take the time you need than be pulled in two directions, negatively impacting your work and majorly stressing you out at the same time

Great thing about consulting is we’re used to flexing on teams and pulling people in and out when needed. Take advantage of this

likeuplifting

Thanks everyone for the support. I’m not sure if taking more PTOs will help me through this as I already took a week off through Labor Day weekend to disconnect. Sadly I found the news at the end of my PTO which brings coming back to work pretty much nonexistent... i told friends and family around me about the condition and I’m acting physically like it’s not affecting me but deep inside it hurts so much.

The sad thing is that i couldn’t bring it to tell my mum as she’s “warned” me about babies coming out deformed if I go near construction (i.e, loud banging sound, hammering, etc) and with my house remodeling I’ve been guilty of being nearby all of those. Some ancient Chinese taboo, I know, but I’m not ready for my mum to tell at me “I told you so” and feel like I did it all to the baby. No family history of clefts on either side and of mine and fiancé’s extended family.

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OP, please do not blame yourself. You did not cause the cleft lip. No amount of construction or some other thing caused this in your precious baby. This was absolutely and completely out of your control. It’s understandable that you’re blaming yourself, I did too when I lost my first baby at 6 weeks pregnant 10 years ago. But it wasn’t my fault I had a miscarriage, and it’s absolutely not your fault either. Please do as others have suggested above, and speak to a therapist/counselor. You’re worth the investment in your mental health. Sending you love and prayers for peace. ❤️

likeuplifting

Echoing all the love & support mentioned above, and adding one thing: take this one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.

Pregnancy is overwhelming the first time under textbook circumstances, so this is an especially tough blow. Your baby will be beautiful & you will guide them through this process with a strength you don’t even know you have.

Take time to process this news, then take the first step forward. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Listen to your doctors, listen to your gut & try to stay off the internet comment boards.

likeuplifting

Thanks... staying on internet comment board has definitely proved to be of no help to my mental health.

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Yeah I went for my 21 week scan and was told the baby has slightly dilated kidneys so now need to see another doctor. I definitely didn’t think I would hear this and although we’re not sure how “serious” it may be right now, I feel your pain. Like M2 has said, I’ve let a few friends and family know just to help me get through it all. And If need be, I’ll also be prepared to talk with a therapist. Suggest you do the same. Hang in there and try not to dive too deep into google searches. Sending light and love!

uplifting

Please just close everything and take care of yourself. Stop reading, stop researching, and just meditate for a bit. Your baby is still growing and healthy. This doesn't change that. Your baby is still perfect. They just need a little bit of medical help once they are here. There are many positive stories of cleft lips and palettes. It's well known and treatable. The best thing you can do right now is take care of you. Baby needs their mama and mama needs to be in the right mind and mental health to be strong for the little one when they arrive. This is not your fault, and you need love and support. Do not be afraid to talk to your friends and family. Screw the superstitions. Your mom will still love and support you no matter what.

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