{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "24M found the girl of my dreams (goals faith mindset motivation are all aligned) we want to get married keep things halal do the nikkah but her parents saying it’ll look bad because her older sister isn’t married, they just moved to America recently and haven’t gotten financially stable, and that she’s still in school (starting 3rd year). Her dad is super controlling and just will not support her in this what soo ever. I’m making 100k and an engineer from Alhamdulillah good school looking to…", "post_id": "61dd343f8bca050026894e8f", "reply_count": 118, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "58f812c6c1ca28001625d328", "bowl_name": "Muslim Consultants", "feed_type": "bowl" }

24M found the girl of my dreams (goals faith mindset motivation are all aligned) we want to get married keep things halal do the nikkah but her parents saying it’ll look bad because her older sister isn’t married, they just moved to America recently and haven’t gotten financially stable, and that she’s still in school (starting 3rd year). Her dad is super controlling and just will not support her in this what soo ever. I’m making 100k and an engineer from Alhamdulillah good school looking to…

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Lol welcome to marriage bro. Well, more specifically the the steps that lead up to your wedding day. Trust me, the phase between when you've decided to marry someone and the actual wedding day is very challenging for a lot of people. A lot of things won't make sense, but ultimately their family is a key stakeholder, so do try to be patient as much as. Do be creative, find an imam/figure her parents trust in the community and maybe get them to speak to them, whatever it takes. Pray istikhara and just keep at it. In the long term you'll look back and see how insignificant it all was. May Allah smoothen this path for you! Ameen

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Even if we just get nikkah and put the ceremony off until they are stable financially and she finishes school that's what I'm saying is ideal cause then she can live at home w them and still see me from time to time and that also let's her sister marry if she wants before our ceremonys

Wish I knew her dad. All I would tell him uncle I’m 40 years old and have everything I need in life and not married and no kids. My two bed rooms upstairs are empty, no one is here to enjoy them. I tried hard to get married multiple times but didn’t happen. And now that I’m 40 it’s hard to find someone that align with your perspective. Your kids are young let them get married and if they are happy let them. Don’t be a bottle neck when your daughter found the right man. Uncle The last thing you want is your daughter to be older and then have to do this all over again and trust me it will very difficult to get married. Besides, the best time to get married when you are young and be a young parents. Family is greater than money. Now when I look back I feel my father was super successful because he had a family at an early age. I really wish I can anonymously call him. This is like when parents tell you not to talk to a boy when you are in college and after you graduate and turn 30 then they ask do you have anyone?

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Damn, this made me really sad. InshaAllah I hope you find the right person soon.

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Sorry to be blunt but screw em if they aren't onboard. Do you need anything from them? If no, start planning your wedding and tell them they are welcome to attend. I did that, we are both so much happier. The sooner you guys start demonstrating your independence the better it will be for you in the long run. It's 2022, f**k all this cultural baggage and BS. DM me if you want advice. We went through the exact same situation.

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I recently went through a similar situation. 1. Do not in any circumstances run away to get married. 2. The father needs to know that you 2 have met and like each other and that he needs to come around to it. 3. The girl needs to take a stand for you both in front of her father. 4. You should try get in the father good side for the moment later you can do whatever.

she convinced her parents to call my family back and set up a talk, we are going to atleast try to set up the engagement on Saturday. Make duaa for us and thanks for your stories, viewpoints and suggestions ❤️

likeuplifting

Good luck may the almighty make the path easier for you as your intention is in the right place. May whatever happen be the best for both of you, as Allah SWT knows what you do not, and indeed is the best of planners.

I applaud you for getting your life together and having the right intentions. But if she’s starting third year I’m assuming she’s in her early 20s. That’s young! You finished school, started a career and gained financial stability and she deserves the same opportunities. I get keeping things halal but I would say education and financial independence take precedence. If this really is your dream girl, perhaps she’s worth the wait.

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We would all want her to continue education and even enter industry if she wants

I feel bad for you. May Allah bless your intentions.

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Didnt want to be blunt, but seems like she may be too young (hasn’t even completed uni) and you’re quite horny. I don’t see a halal way out.

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Socially conservative desi dads (read: families)… once they’re stuck, nothing short of a major drama makes them budge and be happy with the rishta. What’s worse is that in their head, they’re sure this is religious (and not only social) conservatism. So as far as they’re concerned, they’re 100% at the right. Deen and dunya.

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Find a guy for the sister. There was like a few guys trying to get married on this bowl a few days ago.

funnysmart

I swear desi parents of girls be stressed about getting their daughters married, and when the time comes, they be creating unnecessary bs like this

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Amen

What her father is doing is actually against our religion. Depending on how religious he is, that may be an angle to approach it by

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Be consistent, be firm. I think this will just take time. My parents didn't intiaily approve of my SO but over time showing them that I was serious and unwavering moved them to accepting it.

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So I went through this whole thing (currently 28) when I was 23, except where it was my husbands family who was controlling and didn’t want him married before his older AND younger sisters got married, and he was not settled back then, I was in consulting. Anyways, long story short - after about 5 years of trying to figure this out between his insane family drama and my family getting pretty pissed about his insane family, he stepped up and we got married with my families permission, and his whole family basically just went beserk and disowned him during that time. Now they ignore me, but talk to him and he still tries dealing with them sometimes but it’s hard on him. I could care less about his family since they’re basically stuck in the cultural nonsense of the 1950s. With marriage, it works out inshallah because there is barakah in establishing your halal relationship and understanding boundaries with your families, you can’t get rid of the toxic members but boundaries are super important here. I don’t think you should wait a super long time, if you found each other - go for it. No use in waiting.

likeuplifting

Thank you sis for sharing your story. I hope you guys continue to have a happy and fulfilling marriage.

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Set up talk like meet in person when my family arrives

likeuplifting

Make sure to have the presentation deck ready, include your intended timeline.

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How old is she? Are u sure they don’t think she’s too young

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She'll be 21 in March so not huge difference especially considering culture

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If you really want to make this happen you’re going to have to develop that consulting skill of influencing and managing upwards :) her dad will always be her dad and assuming he is a person she wants to keep in her life you will have to find a way to get along and make it work. Even if you don’t agree with the reasons, they are their reasons. Did you talk with dad yourself and bring your dad for a formal proper proposal? Did you show that you are mature and a good addition to their family? Are you sure she wants to get married?

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They love me! That's the only reason they aren't directly rejecting

Can she involve any of her relatives? Can her mom/siblings convince their dad? It takes an entire family sometime on matters like this. I hope it works out Insha Allah!

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Her family members agree with her mom that she should wait until her sister is married

OP what's the latest? You left us on a cliffhanger

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Well done OP, this is still progress. Also by the sounds of it, you need to work on your parents too, especially your dad. It's completely inappropriate to criticise and disrespect someone's daughter in their house about the subject she is pursuing. I guarantee that if you are married, your folks will also be the ones whining about why does your wife need to be working and also nagging you about having kids and will totally forget about your wife's degree. I'm Pakistani and I married a Bengali girl whose family are from Sylhet so I can relate to some of this. Lastly, you need to keep a close eye on how the girls family treat her as there'll be lots of emotional pressure being applied on her and also be extra extra careful about her going back to Bangladesh for a family holiday. Too many horror stories of girls getting married off against their will. It's happened to my sister-in-law's.

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On the bright side though, my dad is stubborn and I can bring him around and her parents liked me and even though there are parents are diss aligned I am 95% sure by fall everything will be better

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Very optimistic OP. Good luck!

Start my life not have kids but enjoy dating/fun/traveling style life and live halal. We are both Islamic: pray, keep gaze low, focused on deen. How do we convince her family? They agreed to me based on biodata but want us to wait because of reasons above. My dad is very sad because I’ve never been type to date around and have told them i found someone but my dad can’t convince her dad in the phone either

See if ur dad can convince her dad for an in person meeting? Maybe that’ll be more persuasive

We were scheduled to meet this weekend but now they are saying no and lying straight up (which my dad obvi can't call them out on) saying she wants to wait until uni finishes

Maybe just wait for her to complete university and get a career. If they want time...give them time.

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