{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "25 yo female (single if that matters). After social situations (e.g, family friends) my dad is always like “you should be more like this” or “it was kind of weird that you did this” or “your outfit was this” and I’m soooo sick of it. Have been hearing it my whole life and I am who I am!! I feel like I have only 25ish years left with my parents and I want us to all be at peace instead of fighting him when he says stuff like this. Is this normal/am I overreacting, or is this toxic? Advise please!", "post_id": "60dbc441e7b640002897b4b5", "reply_count": 13, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

25 yo female (single if that matters). After social situations (e.g, family friends) my dad is always like “you should be more like this” or “it was kind of weird that you did this” or “your outfit was this” and I’m soooo sick of it. Have been hearing it my whole life and I am who I am!! I feel like I have only 25ish years left with my parents and I want us to all be at peace instead of fighting him when he says stuff like this. Is this normal/am I overreacting, or is this toxic? Advise please!

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Your father sounds outrageous! I’m in your camp

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I would have a very frank conversation with him about how what he’s saying makes you feel. From your post it seems like he wants you to change how you express yourself to fit into the social model he deems most acceptable. It’s that kind of attitude that leads to judgement and bias against those that are perceived as “different” - and for that to come from your father must really hurt. He may not “hear” what you are saying to him initially but if you set some consequences for his behavior - should it continue - and follow through, he should get the message soon enough.

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My parents are the same. I’m the kind that would get agitated each time. But my sis found a way to shut them down. When being criticised of weight gain, she basically just says “ I am super beautiful already and I don’t need any more weight loss”. They got so shocked by her confidence and learnt to shut up.

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It has really hurt and I have basically zero self confidence / self esteem in social situations and people can tell. I’m constantly second guessing myself. In social situations with him, when I look over, he has like almost a confused/disgusted look on his face. I’ve tried to tell him before that him criticizing me has led me to be really unsure of myself all the time and his response is basically “Ah it’s all my fault. of course blame it on your parents who have done so much for you.” What do I do??

My dad does this to me constantly. I’ve learned to just accept that him and my mom will never accept my decisions or the way I am and criticize me. I used to second guess myself and look to them for validation. Like every decision has to be approved by them. My parents and I are very different, and I think with that are going to come decisions that they’re not happy with. So I’ve learned to seek my own validation and happiness. I’m not responsible for how they feel, all I can do is listen to their advice(sometimes they may be right), and think about whether their advice aligns with what I want for myself/ makes sense. I would recommend therapy to help you sort through these emotions. It’s worked for me

Sorry this is happening. Your dad should be your cheerleader imo, not the the opposite. Don’t let it get to you- getting into BCG (or being in client facing roles more generally) is proof that you literally excel in social situations

WHAAT!? This is 100% a “him” problem and not a “you” problem. This is strange behavior IMO. Tell him that if he really wants to help he should keep his opinions to himself and let you figure it out. Hopefully that is democratic enough to get your point across but not trigger a narcissistic tirade.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced that :( I have critical parents as well and it’s really painful. It’s 100% a problem within himself - lots of times other people (especially our parents) project their insecurities onto us. It helped me to think a bit about where it might be coming from within my parents based on what I know of their past. The more I understood their psychological issues, the more I could see those comments for what they are - an expression of their insecurity

Move out? Stop hanging with your parents that often…set boundaries, shut down the convo

I don’t live with my parents, just hang out with them and family friends a lot

If you lack confidence it’s because the comments you have heard over and over from him have become the dialogue you have with yourself in your own head. He has spent all this time trying to bully you into being more confident. Therapy can really, really help here if you find the right person with whom to work.

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