{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "26 M, living with parents. Does anyone else have an overly intense mom or dad? How do you manage?\nWhenever I want to travel my mom wants to tag along and if I hint that I want to go alone or with GF she throws shade and comments that make me feel bad for not wanting to take her. There are other things like 1k questions when I go out, talking bad about any girl I am dating, constant nagging, etc.\nI lived alone for 5 yrs before moving back 2 yrs ago, not sure how much longer I or gf can take...", "post_id": "6281d336192cc20038ae608e", "reply_count": 56, "vote_count": 10, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession ", "feed_type": "bowl" }
null

26 M, living with parents. Does anyone else have an overly intense mom or dad? How do you manage?
Whenever I want to travel my mom wants to tag along and if I hint that I want to go alone or with GF she throws shade and comments that make me feel bad for not wanting to take her. There are other things like 1k questions when I go out, talking bad about any girl I am dating, constant nagging, etc.
I lived alone for 5 yrs before moving back 2 yrs ago, not sure how much longer I or gf can take...

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Talking from my own experience with my mother, I'd say your mother have some kind of narcissistic disorder (you should research about "narcissistic mother" and see if the description fits your case).

What you described seems to fit with what I lived my entire life so far:

Over demanding mom, over dramatic, jealous of friends and specially romantic partners (she trash talked about 100% of them, there were no single girl she liked or approved or just accepted), she's always right, manipulation, fights and guilt trip.

My father on other hand was not narcissistic himself, but he had his mind poisoned by my mother. And my brother have the very same problems as I do.

What I can tell you is that it never gets better (it only worsened). There is no cure for such behavior, specially if your mother don't recognize she has a problem.

The only thing I could do for my own sanity was taking some (big) distance from her. Once I get close to her for too long, she starts to manipulate me into divorcing my wife.

likehelpful

SE1, it’s tough when she is supposed to be someone supporting you.

Also, this behavior has a common traits. They always think they are right and not the problems. In case (I meant theoretically and don’t exactly mean it), in case if you you really divorce your wife, she will say “told you so! I was always correct about her” this kind of words, and demoralize you to the lowest confidence that you could, and that you might even think you are really the problem. (On extremely case)

So, hang in there. You are on the right path. Good luck!

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I moved out of my family home close to your age and it definitely helped things but you're going to be navigating how to draw some boundaries foreveeerrrr so you might as well start now. For me what works is to push back and deflect. Do not feed into the negativity but be firm, especially when it comes to partners. If she says it about your gf now when you're still living in her house and she feels neglected then future dynamic with a wife might get even more toxic. When the comments come up try - don't say that, it's disrespectful to my girlfriend who I care about very much and it hurts me to hear that.

My parents are Latin American too and they're so great but even now without being married or with kids their default assumption is that if I don't have to work I'm spending my free time with them.

I'd recommend with trip planning/dinners out turn it around and highlight how you'll see/spend time with her in another way. like don't even acknowledge the negative comments just be like, bueno me voy ahorita, what're we doing for brunch tomorrow? Or I'm going to dinner now but I was hoping you could make (x specialty favorite) for me next week? Like - ok yeah I'm omw to dinner now but I'll see you tomorrow and will be sharing a meal with you then. And if you don't already start making stuff for your mom too, fix her a cup of coffee how she likes it in the afternoons and if she's the primary person cooking give her a heads up when not to expect you for dinner.

Ditto with trip planning maybe plan one with her or share how excited you are to go. Getting to a place where your ma feels included without making everything about her is the trick.

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I mean ... You could always move out, like a big boy.

likefunnyhelpful

This is always the first thing I think of when I see posts like this

Umm, is there a cultural thing going on? Because otherwise it sounds like a level of attachment on her side that is not healthy. She may be lonely or not have other fulfilling social relationships, but she has no motivation to address that if you continue to fill those voids in her life at the cost of your own independence and negative impact on your more age appropriate relationships.

My husband had to go to therapy to learn how to draw boundaries with his overly attached mother before we got married, but our relationships are all healthy and normal now. Took some difficult decisions and him just saying no to her repeatedly to establish new rules of engagement, but she adjusted eventually.

likehelpfulsmart

OP - I’ll recommend to move out and start building yourself. I’m coming from a similar culture (not LA though) but you just have to sit down and talk to your fam about this. You need to figure out your life yourself so don’t take too much stress! Feel blessed you have family as backbone but you need to develop the mass yourself.. save enough and move out or even talk to your GF and you both plan to take something together- you have options, but talk to your mom. Help her see everything- she is your ma man!!

It’s time to cut the umbilical cord, OP.

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But how will he get to see the rest of the world???

funny

Do you believe the nagging is worth the money saved

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You can rent a place in NY with roommates

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OP - respectfully, either get over it or move out.

You willingly live under their roof while you can afford to move out/rent somewhere. So you’re imposing that on yourself to save money

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Also, it's not that I don't want to travel with mom but I've literally been to > 20 countries the past 26 yrs with her + fam and it would be nice to do my own traveling with other people or gf

likehelpful

Can you just tell her?

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Not being racist, are you Asian?

likefunny

I new you would be Latin American after reading the original post lmao.

smartfunny

I am sorry that you're facing this situation. Do you have to go to work or do you have a remote job or a hybrid work culture? If you have remote job, you could stay in the suburbs, you could also look places in NJ. Or else you can stay with roommates, move into a studio if you wish to live alone.

Assertive communication and having healthy boundaries with your parents will help your situation to a great extent.

I am a south Asian and I have similar problems. Therapy gave me the tools to handle difficult situations

likehelpful

Most people can’t afford to buy a house your age

My parents are very overbearing and invasive , and I moved out as soon as I could

Much older than you, and can not afford a house

likesmarthelpful

Solution here: mom going away next week, I will send you a post card. No you can’t come but thanks for the offer.

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I’m curious if you’ve tried this OP? It SHOULD be this simple but I realize it may not be.

If you’re in their space, you basically give up certain rights. I would personally prioritize having my own place over passport stamps, I just couldn’t do it.

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What’s the issue here? You’re an adult, act like one

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I manage by not living with them.

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Honestly, you just have to sit her down and tell her. Not in a good way. I’m Latin American, too, and you just have to tell her to chill out. I’m assuming you’re a man. They will get it and keep it moving. It’s not like they’ll disown you although sometimes the drama is so hard you’ll think they will.

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Are you their only child? Are you their only son (there may be culture reasons there)? Do you have siblings?

Youngest of two. My oldest bro (7 yrs older) is handicapped and also lives with us.

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This should be fairly easy

Your parents have no obligation to house you at your age.
You are imposing that they do so that you can save money. But then you are upset at the nagging and what not… well then if you move out there’ll be no nagging

Their house their rules.

Get your house and your rules.

Lol my parents are the same

You an only child?

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