33F. Am struggling today with all of my friends (including some lawyers) either being pregnant or already having kids. I feel like the oddball and desperately want to feel like I fit in. However, when I’m around others’ kids, I find that I don’t actually like them and I’m happy when it’s time to go home. Has anyone else experienced this and how did it affect your decision to have kids?

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If I were you, I’d work on my feelings around desperately wanting to fit in. That’s a separate issue than wanting kids. Maybe it would be helpful to branch out to different friend groups as well and explore what kind of life you want to have.

likesmart

Painful but necessary! It’ll be worth it and fulfilling in the end. It’s very freeing to recognize what you want out of life and build that life. I have friends with kids who had kids to fit in or because it seemed like the next step in life, and they aren’t genuinely happy.

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Do not have kids to “fit in,” but know that if you do want and have kids, you will (probably) like them a lot more than other people’s kids.

I felt like an oddball yesterday hanging out with a couple childless friends because I have 3. To each their own ❤️

likesmart

In general as someone who is in mid 30s without kids and a husband or house but in a long term relationship I don't "fit in". It doesn't really bother me though bc I am content with where I am in life. When I am around folks with kids I find that many are consumed bc that is what they are dealing with so I always just keep things about how they are handling things, if kids sleep/plans/ how school is etc. I don't really care about any of these things but realistically these folks arent watching the latest movies, or tv shows or eating at new restaurants so that's how I try and relate. Just because many have kids or marriage doesn't necessarily mean they are happy or content so focusing on what it is you may want is a better excercise to see what makes YOU fufilled rather than societal norms that others have achieved.

likeuplifting

One of my colleagues has 2 kids and invited me to a brewery with their fam and other friends with kids and I said, hell fucking no.

My bff from law school just had the cutest baby girl, and if she had offered the same situation, I would have said yes.

I don't like kids either, but if my super close friends have kids, I definitely feel like their auntie. So, I've always been closer to not having kids, but the way I feel about my bffs' kids, I know that could maybe change.

(I'm in my late 20's, my friends with kids are in their 30's)

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Same to all of this. I don’t like kids generally, but I love my close friends kids and am Auntie to all of them. It’s different when they’re “your own” I figure.

I have 2 kids and manage to go out to latest restaurants/bars and usually pretty up to date with latest movies/series/books/art exhibits or museums in my area and also keep doing solo/couples only trips - not that this should change your feeling about having kids, as others have said you should do you and not have kids just because it seems like the next thing to do, it is a huge emotional and financial responsibility. But you can have both kids and a fulfilling social/cultural life if you have partner/friends/family/money that will allow you to have help with taking care of them when needed.

likehelpful

I like my kids and don’t like other kids. When or if you have one you’ll like her or him and of course love her or him!

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Completely agree here! Definitely adore my kid…but not so much other kids

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I can relate, because when I was about that age, I had the same feelings except that I actually DO like kids, but I just never liked the idea of being a parent. There is nothing wrong with not liking the idea of being a parent, and if you don’t even like kids, I’m not sure if you would like “parenting.” So, be honest with yourself here and be okay with being YOU.

I elected to not have children for this very reason, despite the fact that I had friends when I was your age who were having kiddos, and despite the fact that I actually even like kids and find their little brains pretty fascinating!

No regrets.

I am happy that I have not had children to date. I LOVE LOVE LOVE spending time with my niece and nephews but I could not imaging “parenting.”

Being an auntie, whether to biological peeps or your friends’ children, can be a rewarding and amazing experience. You serve a very distinct role as sister-mother. Like they know they can tell you all their secretes and they are safe, but you keep them protected, no matter what. And in some ways, you are still very very maternal.

Remember, parenting is a job unto itself.

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D1 makes a really beautiful point in my opinion. WE get to decide what makes a family. NOT society.

My nuclear (?) family consists of two adults and 4 furbabies. I’m fortunate to have a massive extended family with not only my very own niece and nephews, but also so.many.kids.

Author, what defines a family to YOU?

Does your definition align with society’s, friend’s, parental’s definition of family?

If it doesn’t, does that bother you in any way? Why or why not?

Just know that you’ll make the right decision for you.

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I think you should only have kids if you want to have kids and not because because you feel pressure (whether it’s from other people or yourself). The kids I like have parents that I like. And the kids I don’t like have parents who make parenting choices I wouldn’t make.

I’m in my late 20s and want kids but not just yet.

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Also 33F. I got a cute puppy instead. Too tired to care about kids now.

In all seriousness, I don’t think you should feel like the oddball. I have friends in their mid to late 30s who don’t have kids and still don’t know if they ever want kids. I think that’s ok. I want kids eventually, but definitely not yet, so I am maybe considering freezing eggs. I hear a lot of firms have great fertility policies and will cover some of the expenses.

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You need to be honest with yourself and really need to think if you want kids. Kids are a lot of work and take up a lot of time. I don't have children and I had told my family when I was 5 that I wouldn't have children. I'm someone who doesn't have motherly instincts and I knew I would hate giving my kid the same life that my parents gave me. I'm now 49 and I don't regret my decision. Actually overtime I have realized that I made the right decision. Now that being said...I did think maybe I should have a kid when all my friends were having kids and men I dated wanted children. I stayed true to me and knew I wouldn't be happy. I finally found my husband who didn't want children either and neither one of us has regretted our decision.

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This is helpful! I think my issue right now is that I’m done raising stepkids, am estranged from family, and my friends with kids aren’t interested in my help. I think I’m a really good auntie/stepmom type, but I’m just not getting to exercise that. That is, I lost a lot of friendships due to them having kids in a pandemic and me essentially leaving my family of origin for a variety of reasons. It may be that not having a kid is the right choice for me. I just haven’t found the right mix of relationship satisfaction to really put the question to rest.

Chiming in to agree, I really dislike most other children, but love my kid and love spending time with her. I wouldn’t make any decisions about how you feel based on your feelings towards other kids.

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I’d like to echo another who already mentioned investigating your feelings about wanting to “fit in,” and separately recommend investigating how you really feel about the idea kids and parenthood (if you’re on the fence, which it sounds like you might be). For that, if you are interested in some reading, I would highly recommend starting with The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. This is something that women don’t talk about enough and I wish I had done more personal reflection on this topic earlier in life (like in my mid- to late-20s).

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For me, a switch flipped in my late 20s. Before that, kids were cute but annoying. Later I thought kids were sweet and wonderful. The change happened when I stopped seeing these two unruly kids in my friend circle. I think it's related (I stopped seeing kids as a burden), but could be coincidental.

Some people just don't want to have kids, and that's fine! I've heard stories of women in the 1940s and 50s having kids because it was expected of them, and then they all but neglect the kids because they don't like taking care of children. (I have a kid now, and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. But everyone is different!)

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I don’t like other people’s kids either — It’s different when they are your own.

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