(38F). My boyfriend (39M) after 2 years together (long distance but travel to one another and spend time), suddenly told me he wants to try to be a musician again. He did this in his 20s , failed and started his corporate career at 26. He’s a Senior Manager in Fl but i personally feel is underpaid. He was supposed to move in to my place in September and start living together. I initially told him I would support his music on the side while he pursues his corporate career full time. *Cntd below*

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You can find someone loyal, kind, decent, respectful and that has money, a career, relevant goals, and the same professional view as you. They’re not mutually exclusive.
You clearly don’t love yourself. Good luck sis.

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Yes, you can have everything that you want. That's what loving yourself means, even if it means waiting a bit.

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Today, he suddenly told me after 2 years and a month away from him moving in , that he now wants to pursue his music full swing .

He has his day job (won’t quit) but will work on his music evenings and weekends (which he is currently doing) . Do gigs . He said if music works out and is profitable , he would be open to quitting his day job and touring etc. i am utterly shocked and not at all ok with this.

I was always clear with him about what my goals were : buy a home in the next year, second investment property , continue travelling the world (I’m an avid world traveler plus lived in multiple countries ) .

Few things . 1) I make much more than him . 2) I have a LOT more savings than him (his savings is minimal) 3) I’m financially saavy , investing and working to elevate myself (he doesn’t) 4) I had to force him to even get a passport (he has never travelled ourside the US)

Why am I with him? Because he’s loving , loyal, kind, decent, respectful , well mannered, was there for me when I got Ill two years ago and took care of me. I keep telling myself I won’t find someone who’s perfect and has everything.

I’m in a total dilemma about this whole musician thing at nearly 40. I’m packing to leave to Portugal for 3 weeks (solo travel) and he suddenly threw this news on my head today.

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You want to travel the world and he wants to be a famous musician that tours around the world, so it sounds like your goals are in line. It sounds like to me you want him to be the main bread winner. You sound like you don't respect him, and certainly that you don't love him. You don't want to hurt him, and you are grateful to him for taking care of you. Wasting both yours and his time is the real crime here. Leave him and let him pursue his dream, and you can pursue your dreams.

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Issue is your goals and trajectory is misaligned. It's ok to change your mind, so it's time for you to make a decision. A red flag I read was that you had to force him to get a passport... You wouldn't have to if he wanted to, you would just have to share your needs and expectations and he'd act accordingly.

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Well it speaks volumes about his maturity level, unless you want to the grown-up all the time. Not saying he's a bad guy.

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Not to sound mean, but it is highly unlikely that he will become a profitable musician off of this. It’s just a very competitive industry where nepotism or sheer luck is largely key. Even a lot of signed artists are not profitable and get dropped by their record labels after an album or two. So with that in mind, what’s the harm of letting him do this on the weekends and keep his job, like you agreed with him on in the first place?

I understand where you’re coming from. But I think it’s highly unlikely that he will become a big star. But even if he actually does, wouldn’t that be an exciting time? You love to travel, and if he was successful he’d get to travel a ton.

I don’t think this is as disruptive to your existing plans together as you are initially feeling. A person who shows you true love and kindness is a very special thing. I would try to make it work with him in your shoes.

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Thank you for this mature response . appreciate this. Perhaps fear . Touring musicians come with certain constraints that can be challenging to a relationship. I don’t want to ever question his loyalty . He’s been nothing but loyal . But that is a fear for me with the touring . Second is financial stability . I don’t know .. this just sounds worrisome to me . He said I’m just a very practical person and he’s a bit of a dreamer . You have a point, it’s not necessary he makes it. I wouldn’t want to wish that upon him though . He’s extremely talented .

We tend to be attracted to people who are different than us. He is a dreamer while you are a realist. He wants to pursue his dream while being practical enough to keep his day job full time until his dream can support his reality. I am a realist too, I think he is pretty realistic and practical by keeping his job. I don’t think I can ever be with a realist or someone who is too much like me. People change their mind when they want to change their mind, they don’t need your approval. Don’t see him as someone who is breaking a promise, just someone who wants to pursue his dream to be happy. You just to ask yourself whether that’s something you can get onboard with.

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I don’t know if this matters , but I’m reaching out with an update . Post all of that above . I’ve been in Portugal on my vacation .

Today my boyfriend finally opens up and tells me he is not moving to NYC anymore (after we have been in a long distance for 2 years) it hasn’t been easy but we committed to coming together under one roof by the end of August , early September.

He tells me , NYC is not the scene for his music . Nashville is where it’s at. He is going to keep his day job and pursue his music . Extend out his lease in Florida and then move to Nashville in a year or so .

I was completely shocked and heart broken in tears . We committed to moving in next month. I invested two years of my life in this .

His music pursuit initially came as a shock and he sprang that on me right before I was leaving to Portugal and right after my birthday.

I struggled to wrap my head around that but said ok, I’ll support it as long as he keeps his day job and we would be moving in together .

Today he tells me he isn’t moving to NYC anymore - not the scene for his music and he can’t fully make music and record in my apartment ..

He then said , we could still make this work . I kept asking how ? With no endgame or end goal in sight ? Continue on a long distance ? I agreed to this knowing we would be coming together . He committed to that plan as well .

He kept saying I could move to Nashville. I had no plans on doing that ?! My entire life is in NYC.

He would be working his day job . He will be making music evenings and weekends .. with a long distance to be continued .. how do I even factor into this ? How are my needs being met ?

I’m in Portugal, it’s 1:00am. I’m in tears .

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@EY 1 great response!

Have you talked to him about this? Has he mentioned revisiting this dream before?

Yes . I’ve always known he’s loved music. But I was explicitly clear- I didn’t mind him doing his music on the side . Of course as a hobby , interest -do it. I was also explicitly clear about my goals , financial goals and life goals . I’m not a person who minces my words . He also was saying yes to those .

Today he tells me- he wants to try the musician thing again . He works on that evenings and weekends. He said he will keep his day job, not quit. But if music works out ,and is profitable- he will then quit his day job and do this full time .

I’m utterly shocked and not ok with this. This is news to me after 2 years together . I’m not ok with the whole touring musician life. Some girls are- not me. I was also very clear about that 2 years ago - present .

This is a really tough spot. I was with a musician for about 20 years total—married for 15. Great guy. It just became increasingly tough for him as I progressed in my career. One thing to think about is whether you are the right one for him—not only whether he is right for you. I realized it wasn’t working but honestly looking back he would have been so much happier with someone who was better matched for his life plan. And, I know people assume a lot, but he toured, opened for extremely famous bands, signed to nirvana’s label ,had songs picked up for tv—and you never make it unless you blow up. With all that “success” he never broke even. Money isn’t everything but honestly at 40 it is very likely too late. And then you have to work through that disappointment. Good luck and feel free to reach out to directly.

Thank you for sharing this — what you’re going through is super tough and something that unfortunately has no right answer. What is your gut telling you?

I would end it.

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