A female leader who has been supportive as I came back from leave mentioned the burden of being a childless woman in consulting. I pushed back that there absolutely needs to be the ability for everyone to assert boundaries for their life - regardless of whether they have kids. This person is a known workaholic and lots of people find her work ethic smothering. Her ability to be supportive now seems backhanded. And it infuriates me. Cont.

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As someone who was in her position and then who now has a child, I think you’re overreacting. Even the comment up top where someone said when childless people complain they role their eyes. No. Everyone’s struggle is real. Everyone makes sacrifices. And unfortunately having children tends to allow for more of an acceptable rationale for boundaries than not. She may be terrible at setting her own boundaries but so are some women who do have children anyway. Be supportive back. People come with different insecurities and maybe her helping you out also serves her, but the best way to handle it is be gracious and distance yourself if it makes you that uncomfortable. But I really want to caution all of us in how we talk about women without children. Perhaps our lives are more hectic and we have the advantage of knowing both sides, but society for sure judges them / gives them less leeway for boundaries, and women with children can be the most judgmental at times towards them. Let’s not be that please.

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Thank you for eloquently saying so much of what I wanted to say.

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I guess I’m not following - just because she is expressing that her own life is hard, I don’t see why you need to question why she’s being supportive of you. I am assuming “supportive of you” means respecting your boundaries, perhaps working within a non traditional working hours schedule you need right now, or something else like that? Or is her support of you something else that can be taken in a completely different context somehow that I’m not understanding?

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It was the second. I was talking about setting boundaries for going back in person given childcare ends and how I can’t get to client site early or stay late like I could before kids. She then started talking about the struggles of being a childless person in consulting. (Oh and this isn’t even her project! I’m working with someone else!) Knowing her way of working I felt that her comment was a backhanded way of supporting me. She WAS helpful when I first came back from leave, but given her comment it sort of feels backhanded. Btw I’ve heard from others that feel when they work with her it’s almost as if they owe her something… so I’m thinking this is just her… but it is infuriating. Support and niceness disguised as resentment.

Have you felt this before? Would this upset you? I have another female leader in my practice who does not have kids who is quite supportive. She knows I get my work done and doesn’t overcomplicate things. I can’t help but think this first female leader is projecting some of her own insecurities (she has also said “if I were in your shoes I would want someone to be helpful to me”). I have also pushed back with her when she has said she has wanted to do things in her life but couldn’t because of work (like stay in a certain city) - I countered that she should do what makes her happy, not focus on the work. I can’t help think there is some toxicity in this relationship??

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Having children is a choice. If someone chooses not to have children for whatever reason or, can’t have children and doesn’t want to adopt they made that choice. If that same person wants to work 300 hrs a week, that’s a choice as well. Maybe her identity is her job? Maybe her job defines her?

Don’t let a remark like that throw you off. Whatever her issue is…it is her issue!

Btw -to me you did sound supportive towards her.

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I wouldn’t worry about it too much, OP. Based on your description it doesn’t seem backhanded to me. Sorry I have too many thoughts on this to thoughtfully piece them together so I’ll leave it at that for now and maybe come back when I can think it all through as I know it’s a sensitive topic

I don’t think it’s aggressively bad; but I would dial back on any future expectations of support from her.

Not following.. maybe stay away from her if possible

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