{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "A former boss reached out about a role on his new team. When it came up that I just had a kid, he literally said, “I think you’re busy with other priorities now.” And the conversation ended. \n\nAnyway, that still happens.", "post_id": "621569070633b1002be54cc7", "reply_count": 94, "vote_count": 74, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }
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A former boss reached out about a role on his new team. When it came up that I just had a kid, he literally said, “I think you’re busy with other priorities now.” And the conversation ended.

Anyway, that still happens.

likefunnysmartuplifting
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When I worked at IBM, my wife had complications after giving birth so was admitted for three weeks… During this time I was taking care of my two year old son on my own, working, plus had a wife who was very sick.

This led to me being so exhausted I stubbed my toe so hard it nearly snapped off and needed it surgically mended.

I told my boss I was stressed due to the situation and the response was I needed to leave my stress at home or would be put on probation… I decided on the spot I would never support or work somewhere with people like this again! Truly disgusting!!!

Put all my efforts into a new job and quit a month later! Even got a raise! Best decision of my life!!!

Seriously so much happier and work with people who don’t think life is about the next promotion!

Moral here is stop actively promoting workplaces run by folks like your old boss and find a new job when you can! We can all break the cycle!!!

likeupliftinghelpful

I had the opposite - a client reached out to chat and I mentioned I was on maternity leave and he offered me a job on the spot, with a one year path to then taking on his job.

On my last maternity leave a former peer reached out to say the top job had opened up at his firm and would I apply.

This isn’t to say I don’t encounter idiots too. When people bring presumptions of what women want after kids it really rubs me the wrong way. If I want time, I’ll ask. If I want to work, believe me when I tell you the first time.

likeuplifting
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Sounds like u dodged a bullet

likeupliftingsmart

Completely agree OP.

I don’t see anything wrong with this. If this is a role that’s highly demanding and/or requires frequent traveling, then this is the best decision for both of you.

likefunny

BCG1-Familial status is a protected class

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Wow. Thats pretty effed.

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They are 'former' for a reason. You just relearned why.

likefunny

Update: I simply asked. We worked well together and I knew he appreciated my abilities so curiosity got the best of me.

I said something along the lines of, “If I hadn’t just had a kid, would you have asked me to apply? I’d like to understand how my prospects may have changed so that I can mitigate…”

Drumroll

He said he’d hire me today, but he thought I’d be taking time off work and wanted to stay in x city.

It’s the epitome of well-intentioned but presumptuous. I had given him no reason to think those things and they aren’t true. I wish he would have asked.

likeuplifting

OP really impressed with this response. It already has been a teaching moment for him. This is awesome. 👏🏻

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Amen. Passed up for a well deserved promo because I was out on maternity leave. Happens all the time.

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Not a boss you want to work with anyway. The only reason to leave and work with someone you know, is when you trust that person and know they will look out for your best interests. Obviously they are not it!

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His response is the very definition of patronizing. It is not up to him to decide what is best for her. It is up to her. Period. This is why women continue to be passed over in the workplace, because men are just “looking out for them.” Smh

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100% illegal if that’s the basis for not pursuing you and disappointing that this is still the mindset.

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Wow, that's pretty effed up.

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There are people who prefer ‘comfort’ jobs in times when they need to devote more time to their new family. It's could not be about being passed on due to paternity/maternity. He might just not want you to stress about a switch in this phase of life. One can always agree that there is some steep curve associated with switching at a manager level even if it's a formal employer. Why do people always try to play a victim in all scenarios?

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@BAH, that’s where you’d be completely incorrect from a legal perspective. A “possible opportunity” — and access to such opportunity — is protected from discrimination by federal law under EEOC. A role need not exist or be posted to prove that an employer is limiting employment opportunities. Discrimination need not be written to be used as evidence in court.

The law does not explicitly forbid employers from making what’s called “pre-employment inquiries” (i.e. conversations like this) related to protected classes (in this case familial status), but unless these questions or related decisions are asked / made AFTER an offer is made (and accepted), and these conversations are for insurance purposes etc., they are clear (nearly per se) examples of an employer’s intent to discriminate based on familial status.

You can’t make decisions to deny the person an opportunity to pursue a job option further unless you can prove there is a legitimate business purpose for the question. Anticipating a schedule limitation is not a business purpose. What is a legitimate business purpose for a similar question / discussion would be something like a dental hygienist position which requires use of X-ray machines that can be harmful to pregnant women, and must be clearly discussed in reference to the job’s responsibilities. Asking for, or inferring limitations based on information “offered” (i.e. without a question) on recent familial status changes is absolutely illegal. If these discussions are only happening with women, too, the employer would be looking at a possible Title VII violation as well.

The fact that you’re a woman with kids does not at all change the way this law’s protections work.

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Good riddance, I’d say

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This is a non-story

likefunny

So you also shouldn't share your gender? Or age? Or country? Bottom line this is discrimination and is illegal in many states.

funny

If you're good you're good and he would have moved mountains to get you on his team. Regardless of his motivation to drop negotiations would you want to work for someone who is not flexible? Specially if he known the quality of your work?

like

D2, you are correct, not malicious at all.

No, it rarely is a level playing field. And unfortunately this happens all to often. I am advocating for using experience as a lesson, equip self for the next time this happens so it can be addressed for a different outcome. One where you can't discriminate and opportunities dont pass you by. In this case OP has mentioned that they knew back in 2019 this previous manager has the view that children will get in the way of them progressing in their career. And has made sexist comments on multiple occasions. They proceeded to say that they made the comment to see where the manager stood on the issue and because their child is a major part of their life (I assume here that OP meant they feel like they dont want to hide their child, and why should OP.) I mentioned doing it to see what former manager's response is, is like poking a bear. Note: they wanted to see if they wanted to work with this person, and that was the test. He failed. I also mention in other post that this happens all to often and goes unreported. I say there is two paths (of course there are more and some in between) the Nobel path of reporting this manager and the path of biting the bullet. Consciously not taking action or by way of not knowing what to do with OP's former manager's behavior, it yielded this opportunity, which she could of side stepped his discriminatory behavior, done great work, got into a position of power and made sure something like this never happened again. Not reporting it then, gives little room for recourse now. And I read some of the post of frustration from OP and wanted to provide a different perspective that got them to a point of actively address or even side stepping behavior. Not everyone confronts things the same.

I don't have a comment on the cat calling or victimizing part of what you say. I dont see OP as a victim. Given that they are strategic in thought, don't mind shaking the boat, are frustrated, and have made arguments addressing points I gave the comments I did. Although what comes to mind is cause and effect - is cat calling right, no. But it is a possible outcome of a behavior. Just like there is sexual harassment complaints that can be filed because of catcalling.

The advice is because the recourse is small, unless OP wants to go the distance on this one, we can only do better next time.

The standing up for others comment I am not sure if your council is this is what I should be saying in this situation or if I should be advocating and making sure this doesn't happen. I have done both, I stand with OP. Also, I have some experience with this. Part is working with what's in your control, part is addressing the behavior of the other individual, and part is policy and training.

The hard truth I see is that people like OP's manager are difficult to one change, two get rid of, and third company policy and culture sometimes are not advanced enough to help people one advocate for themselves, two speak up and say something, and three sometimes its difficult to even report.

Also the change in behavior and adjusting ones tactics is the exact same thing as preparing for the next time it happens. I know you mean too that, OP should be able to say she has a child, and it should not be held against them. In a perfect world, I agree. We have a differing opinion on how to adjust behavior here. I am not limiting it to only out right confronting the behavior and reporting. As OP didn't do that back in 2019. So I adjusted and accounted for that.

After reading all the responses - good riddance for the former boss, hope he never runs into OP again.

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You are lucky that convo didnt go anywhere..

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Why would you even need to mention that? None of his business.

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A2: People shouldn't have to hide their families to progress at work.

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Depends on the manager and role. At BCG, this might be a PL+ doing you a solid, since often we swindle people into taking a shit role with...uhm...questionable promises. That said, not staffing people because of family is actually illegal

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