A group of men in my department (and my boss) just made a rape joke. Should I say something to HR, and if so how?

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Are you close with your boss? I was once in that situation and pulled my boss aside and educated him instead of going to HR.. he really appreciated a direct conversation instead of (as I am afraid they would see it) “running to HR”. Just fuel for thought before you go there, because it worked for me in the short and longer term! He has made huge strides in being aware and an advocate

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Respectability politics is not ideal but if you want to stay at this place and there are no other women allies here I'd second this

Yes, you tell HR. But to avoid having them just get a little slap on the wrist and move on—I would suggest seeing if your HR person can send them a packet or host a class to remind them how to behave in the work place. Don’t care how old these guys are or how long they’ve been there. They need to be educated or else they’ll keep winning.

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Honestly I would also try to ‘embarrass’ them after they said it and say “how about we don’t make rape jokes”. I think it’s powerful for a women to shut it down right when it happens vs waiting for someone else to talk with them later.

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Yeah. I dunno about the embarrassing part, depends on your comfort level for sure. But I’ve definitely said things like “guys, come on.” Or, in kind of an eye roll voice, “well there’s my line. Ya found it!” And acknowledging it makes them aware, but in a way that is more let’s get back to the work and not I’m the naggy person who can’t take a joke.

The agency isn’t going to get in a place of policing language. Unless there’s a direct threat to a person, or something racist/disparaging. “Jokes” often times fall into a really gray area, and intent of the joke matters. Look, I’m not supporting that specific language, but I think people get rolling and start to one up another. If you’re uncomfortable that’s an issue. You should be comfortable at your place of work, unfortunately people are people and speak out of turn all the time. I do it too, and sometimes my mouth gets the better of me.

We don’t want to get into a point count for what’s offensive, because the “line” is so hard (legal wise). Is swearing a line? Is obvious sarcasm? Which is why jokes are so much harder than a physical action; intent. There’s gonna be a lot of instances in this career where you’re the only woman, or one or not very many women, so we have to find a way to let people know our feelings in a way that doesn’t turn the conversation into an overt attack because of that intent. Do you think their intent was to be harmful to you? If the answer is yes, then go to HR. If not, I’d suggest saying things in the moment like, “guys.” “Ok moving on” “aaaaaand back to work”.

All that being said, I wanna reiterate you should be comfortable at your job. I think HR can help if you go, not as a report, but for help. Like “hey, the guys were joking about some things, and it made me a uncomfortable because it felt very dude focused, and I didn’t find it funny and didn’t really feel comfortable speaking up as the only woman. Do you have any insights or guidance to help me?”

They’ve crossed a red line. File a claim with HR for sure.

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Aside from all the other advice on this thread this environment doesn’t sound like a place you can grow. You should look for other employment.

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Working on it!

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Are there women in power that you can go to as well? Given what we know about HR in our industry, it’s dubious what can be done.

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Nah not in my agency sadly - they all left a while ago

Then you should try to find another job where people will treat you better, and isn’t a boys club. The fact that you’re the only female there says a lot. Boys club signals to me that the guys get the best briefs, don’t take you seriously and no matter how bad a guy’s idea is, theirs will be picked over yours. Go somewhere where you can flourish and grow. A place that lives in the present because where you are now doesn’t sound like it does. I know it’s easier said than done, but it doesn’t hurt to shop around.

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Report it to HR. No emotions. No feelings. Just statements of fact. In many states, if you were manager, reporting this to HR is required. Why? Records.

And those records are what get used to establish a pattern of behavior for the purposes of court cases. This isn't less about taking a stand or giving the person who told the joke a break by talking to them directly. It's about legal accountability for the company as a whole.

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Say something!! Without a slap on the wrist they’re likely to do it again 😤

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Hey guys thanks so much for all of your feedback - I would say talking to my boss would be appropriate, but I worry as last time I brought up an issue about the boys club in the department (I'm the only female there), I have no longer been invited to events, left out of meetings, and overlooked for briefs, all of which I believe were out of retaliation to my complaint. I am concerned that speaking up about this to my boss will make my working situation even worse...

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Agree with mot of these comments here. In no workplace anywhere is a rape joke appropriate, and in no workplace anywhere should it be tolerated, and retaliation on their part is illegal. It is a shame this is so prevalent and it’s the hardest topic to address. I am sorry for your position—but it sounds like you are at the point of needing to stand up for what is right. Stick to the facts, be honest. Be prepared for both types of outcome—a problem solved, or an increasingly difficult environment. If you have a support system, lean on them.

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Report it. If we are doing our job action will be taken. I don’t tolerate that.

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Update: spoke to HR, who said I should speak to him about it directly. He's away on AL for the next two weeks so will have to chat to him when he's in!

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You should tell HR and look for another job.

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Keep in mind that HR’a job is to protect the company, not you. So unless you’re friends I think the above advice to keep it to the facts and document everything is good. Look for a job. Contact cyndi gallop maybe?

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Are u part of a holding group? If HR does nothing you can file a claim at the corporate level

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This is totally not ok, but it’s a tricky situation given your boss is in it and you’ve faced retaliation in the past. One thing I read recently is to deadpan ask why the joke is funny. “Oh that’s so interesting you’re all laughing. I don’t get it. Why is this funny? Can you explain it to me?” This usually results in them getting nervous and shutting down because really they have to explain the joke is about rape and, well, makes them look a bit like an ass. Haven’t used the tactic but I would if in a similar scenario.

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Honestly, OP, I’d say to start circulating your CV. You’re in a hostage situation.

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Document first. Then talk to your boss, clearly and directly about why this is wrong. See what happens, document THAT, and escalate to HR if you feel they're a group that can support you. I've been thrown under the bus by HR for reporting that a man threatened to "make me hurt" in a call to my personal cell, for the crime of disagreeing with him in a meeting earlier that day. HR is not really your friend, but depending on the individual in charge, can at least make this offense a legitimate strike against the group. Sorry this happened to you. So uncomfortable and frustrating.

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Please share what agency this is so we can all avoid! Ah!!

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I can’t (and can) believe this shit is still happening.

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