Advice for moving in with a romantic partner for the first time? Is it typical that I’m not planning to cook/clean for him? I’m the first of my friends to move in with a partner and I’m excited but

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Before you move, or as you plan, you need to sit down and communicate clearly about expectations. This will save you a ton of problems.

likehelpful

In the wise words of Cardi B “I don’t cook, I don’t clean, but let me tell you how I got this ring”

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Communication is key - On everything. Morning schedules, cooking and cleaning, chores, errands etc. Now saying that, just because you work more hours does not give you an excuse not to help. I works many more hours than my wife and I still find time to cook, clean and do all of the yard work, errands and helping around the house. We also have a cleaning lady that comes twice a week so that really helps.

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Haha. Whoops. Every two weeks!

Do you have plans to get married any time soon?

likesmart

Also how old are you both?

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It sounds like you’re just making a lot of assumptions. If any of these problems do arise, speak up and stand your ground. You need to make sure he respects your choices, and vice versa.

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Both of you should pay 59% each for a cleaner - you both work hard and that would mean no arguments over cleaning duties and who does what and who has more time etc, and you'll get to spend more of your spare time together.

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Yep! This ^. My husband and I didn’t realize how stressed our house was making us until we started getting regular cleanings. It’s the greatest money you can spend IMO

If you can afford it, get a place that has a room (not the bathroom) that has a door. You may not think you’ll need privacy from a loving partner, but sometimes you just need that.

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We splurged for a one bedroom after planning on a studio for the longest time... we both still work remote and I honestly think it’s the best decision we’ve ever made. Doors can be essential!

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This is something you should talk out. My wife does the cooking and I'll do chores, or she will pay some bills and I'll take care of maintenance or fixing things. But we didn't come to this agreement over night.

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Agree with the communication piece I keep seeing, and thank you all for the validation that this is something that obviously comes up in many relationships!

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Have you seen how he behaves around his own family, particularly the female members? Is he a mommies boy, expecting everything to be done for him? Or does he respect his mom, would never talk down to her and is grateful for what she’s done for him? This can be a valuable insight into your future. In my experience, the guys who genuinely respect their mother, will respect their girlfriend, wife, etc. If not, it’s hard to unlearn bad habits.

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This is 100% true - how he treats his mom = how he’ll treat you.

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I don’t know if it’s typical but I find it an odd statement that you aren’t planning to cook/clean for him. My partner and I do things around the house for each other all the time. He usually ends up cooking for me more and I end up cleaning more. There has to be a natural give and take or someone ends up with resentment. I wouldn’t want to live with a partner who never did either for me.

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When you date someone you typically spend enough time at their place to get the idea of what it would be like, but I still recommend waiting until you’re engaged. Not because of any outdated traditions…but when you move in with someone you spend less time with other friends and any break up is messier. But if you’re done with that type of fun…do what you want

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8 years deep and in marriage counseling for the problems we didn’t work out in our early 20s… the sooner you get to therapy the better imho

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Stay with him for a couple weeks first! Communicate, communicate, communicate.

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Sit together and talk through something like this?

https://www.forbes.com/sites/financialfinesse/2017/03/05/9-things-millennials-should-consider-before-moving-in-together/?sh=373335a33a2a

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You need to have a discussion about expectation. Living together doesn't look the same for everyone. And there needs to be compromise.

I would highly recommend planning things together most of the time and not going in with the plan to live separately, but together. For example, it shouldn't be that you're cleaning exactly "your share" or only cooking for yourself while he picks up food.

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Why would you commit to do this and jump in, with no real expectation of how it will actually go? And just because y’all sit down and hash it out before the lease is signed and the stuff is moved/combined - doesn’t mean that’s actually what you’re gonna get, no matter what he initially said.

If you talk it over and he’s already resistant - don’t do this. If you talk it over and he’s agreeable, but still turns out to be a twatwaffle - it’ll be easier/faster to call bullshit when you have the expectation of behavior he gave you to compare against the bullshit behavior actually exhibited.

Don’t do this because of any reason that’s convenient. Or if it’s not at least equally accommodating to one another. Be careful depending too hard/fast and trapping yourself. Establish boundaries. Either both be on the lease, or have a way out on a dime if you’re not the sole lease-holder. Moving in won’t fix anything that was already a problem before you moved in.

It’s dangerous game to play house if you’re not smart and/or with the wrong person.

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Do you or both of you come from a culture where the woman, regardless of working full time, takes care of the house? I’m confused.

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Also a little nervous because I work way more than he does and feel like he’ll want to go out way more than me/I’ll resent if he doesnt do enough around the house if I’m working a 12 hour day and he’s cruising around 7 hours

Make sure he is cooking you dinner every night if he has that much time on his hands

likefunny

Don’t move in with anyone unless you’re about to get engaged. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

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