Advice needed. My husband wants me to quit my transactional biglaw job in favour of something with more reasonable hours. We have a 2 year old and 4 year old. He says he’s tired of doing the heavy lifting at home and me not being present enough for him and the kids, and always being tired because so many nights I’m up working late. I’m 8 years in and feel like I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and beaten the odds. There are no women other than me with more than 1 child in my practice...

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at
Highlighted IconHIGHLIGHTED

I think you shouldn’t quit simply because your husband wants you to. How many men in your practice group or firm have two or more kids? A good amount, I’m sure. Your husband needs to be more supportive. Women have dealt with busy big law husbands forever, why is it so hard for your husband to do so? On the other hand if you personally want a change, go for it.

likesmart

I agree with the others that it seems unfair and controlling, and things might get a tiny bit better after you make partner, and maybe you and your spouse could benefit from counseling. Additionally, if you give in and take a job with less stress and responsibilities then you may earn less money. With that said, what if you keep going with the crazy hours and stress and making your spouse force you to spend time with your own family, and he leaves? It sounds like he is trying to tell you his needs. Maybe he is being unfair and counseling/discussion may help him see that. If what he wants is daily face time with the family all together, a nanny may not substitute for your presence but maybe a housekeeper would let you spend higher quality time with them so you could cut back on the family hours. If your spouse really needs you to spend time with your kids, then you may have to take a less demanding job. Even if it’s unfair. When you’re elderly and have time to reflect, would you regret missing out on time with your kids and losing your spouse, for the sake of your job?

like

OP: to try and be helpful here after reading many comments and your responses, I’ll say this:
1) i think some of your issues will be eliminated by hiring a maid and cook. It sounds like a lot of your husband’s issues don’t have to do with you being at home or doing the house hold work but to do more with him not wanting to do them, or atleast do more than you. So please consider getting more help so with household chores. That way both of you can enjoy your time with the kids.
2) perhaps you can do one of the things your husband is doing until you’ve availed yourself some extra help? Can you drop/ pick your kids up from day care? Or do the cooking once or twice a week? Perhaps you can meal prep and make your time spend on it as efficient as possible?
3) you mentioned you have some anxiety/ covid related mental health issues. I completely understand this as a fellow mental health issues sufferer. Try to get help, first. Second, please have an open conversation with your husband and bring your doctor in if necessary to help them understand how much it’s actually affecting you. And lastly, I’ve gone through several bouts of situational anxiety and depression and I know this - don’t make big life a changing decisions when experiencing these issues - leaving your 8th year position in biglaw in a job you like would be one of them.
Try and get additional help in all forms possible (cook, maid, doctors) until atleast this pandemic’s impact has reduced and then if you both still feel this way, you can change it.
This is my honest, trying not to judge, opinion. I think you can work it out with your spouse. He seems to have supported you all along so a sudden change of heart doesn’t seem rational. He probably just needs some help from you and wants to spend more time with you.

likesmarthelpful

Definitely explore husband's experience regarding his parents in therapy. Might be helpful to have him do some therapy on his own too. Is he close to his mother now?

Need to figure out how to make him feel loved and secure in the relationship and like you're prioritizing your children's well being more than his mom did to him. Figure out what made him feel the most rejected/ abandoned growing up, what made him feel safe, how he viewed his parents' relationship etc. Goal is to get everyone's needs met in a more efficient way (not 4 hours every night).

Definitely don't quit your job over this (unless you want to)

likehelpful
Recent IconRecent

Hire a part time nanny?

like

Outsource more (cleaning, cooking, taking kids to school) by getting a before daycare or after daycare helper for a few hours a day. I hire someone to do errands a few hours a week, dry cleaning, post office, etc. I am a 9th year in big law and don’t have the time and don’t think it’s right for it to fall 100% on my husband. Think of it like hiring someone to carry your half of the load.

And work on figuring out your own anxieties- together I think the two would go a long way.

Do not dim your light! ✨ family is deeply important but so are your goals and your aspirations. Make sure that whatever you do, you do it because YOU want to because otherwise resentment might brew. Do not dim your light for others.

like

Your husband's views sound sexist to me.

like

I disagree. My husband worked and traveled all the time. I was working as well. But when we were home everything fell on me. I was miserable. I was your husband. It isn’t sexist, it is about wanting a quality of life with your family. I think the hours you are working are crazy, and I know many people do. At some point you need to accept that you will never be completely satisfied. You may give in your career, or you may give when it comes to family. I look at my career and wish I had achieved more. Kids don’t give you bonuses, fancy dinners, or awards. But they are the best award you can give to the world. I think when you marry, have kids and pick a demanding career you give up a little bit of everything. Maybe you and your husband can have a 1 year plan where you make incremental changes to reduce your workhours to a more normal schedule. You may find that you are happier than you dreamed possible.

like

That is a very difficult position to be in. One thing to consider is how you want life to look like in 10-15 years. Your children and marriage are to be treasured above all things, but that doesn’t mean you need to stop work completely. My husband and I decided I will leave Big Law because of the strain it has put on our marriage (he pulls more than his fair share at home and wants me to be a super lawyer, but the stress and time is not healthy for us). I will be clerking, have a part time nanny, and then find a smaller firm after I am done clerking. I want my children to know me and my marriage to be a happy one. Yes, you may have beat the odds at this point, but you may not want to become one of the statistics of a broken marriage and home.

likesmart

Congrats! That is awesome!

like

What if you meet each other half way? There are certain days where you agree to be present. Also, have you considered hiring a nanny to help with the household chores / cooking, being with the kids during at home learning, etc.? That might help take the load of him.

Also, would you consider a different firm where there might be some flexibility? I would also try relying on junior associates more and leveraging them, which might free up your time.

like

It sounds like there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed re: why he wants you to be "present" every day from 5-9. You should have a conversation to delve into this.

Is it because he feels lonely/ wants to spend more time with you/ wants to feel like time with the kids is "fun" joint play time rather than work that he has to shoulder?

Is it because he thinks it's important to their development to have mom around for 4 hours every night? Why? Because it's what he grew up with? Because he wants them to feel prioritized?

Each possibility will have different solutions.

like

Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky together. It's a great conversation starter and written by a female attorney who has been in your shoes. It's a game changer for respecting each other's time and passions to make your household work for everyone in your family.

like

I don’t have kids am a 3rd year associate, but I don’t remember the last time I left the office by 5 or saw other attorneys leave by 5 (We are still working in the office). Being present at home starting at 5 pm seems unrealistic.

like

Just echoing this. I am at a smaller firm and I struggle to even leave at 5.

like

I've been exactly where you are. Biglaw and three small children. My husband was also working at a big firm. It was so much work to get where we were, but we were all so unhappy. I was missing my children growing up. I tried a few different positions, including in-house. In-house wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. The workload was heavy, and I still couldn't do things like leave early for my kids' school events. I couldn't make it work until I started my own corporate boutique practice.

Now, I work from home. We all do. I even had another baby, and I eat lunch with my two-year-old every day. We are hiring if you are interested. :)

But in any event, I would suggest that you leave for the right opportunity because you never said that you were happy. I'm guessing that you are not.

like

There's no one answer as all relationships are unique, but I really feel your pain because I've been on both sides of this tension. Mostly on your husband's end - trying to get my spouse to work less and be present more with me and our kid. All I can say is there are a lot of factors other than just time vs money and there needs to be communication and compromise not just one partner feeling pressured into something they don't feel comfortable with. Good luck!

like

Somewhat similar boat, but litigation and I only have one 2 year old. Maybe your husband is feeling lonely or not appreciated, but it's easier and less needy sounding to say he wants you to be present for the kids than to say he needs you to pay attention to him. When there is a slight lull in deadlines, can you make it a point to stop working early or just take an evening and night off here and there? Or maybe work 2 or 3 long days and the other days stop work around 5 or 6 so you can just be with the family/him for the rest of the evening?

like

... group at my firm. I am the main income earner in my household and our household income will be reduced by about a third if I go in-house. He says he would rather we suffer financially than have things be how they are right now. Going part time at my firm isn’t really an option due to the nature of my work and the kind of clients I have. Has anyone had to grapple with this?

like

I think it’s important to be fair in a marriage so I would take a weekend to talk have an honest discussion with my husband about how to reach a middle ground. If he expected me to do all the heavy lifting in raising kids—I would leave. No amount of money would make up for my husband expecting me to do all the heavy lifting and taking on the Herculean task of raising kids. It’s hands down the hardest job. Good luck!

I don’t think your husband is wrong for his position, but I also see your side as well (I am the primary earner with more focus on my career, although pre-kids). Is there anything else you can outsource to make it easier for you to not work in the evenings? I know there’s some pricey, but great “household managers” available through nannying companies who work afternoons/evenings to help with groceries, homework, meals, etc. I also have a friend who pays a neighbor to do her grocery shopping and errands so she and her husband don’t have to worry about that.

If outsourcing isn’t an option, maybe you could look into lateraling somewhere that might have a slightly better balance. That won’t solve all of your problems, but working like you are isn’t sustainable. It sounds like you’d be working until 9pm every night even if you didn’t have family obligations, and that sounds miserable. Lateraling won’t give you the balance that in house would, but you’d at least be keeping a better salary.

like

Is this something you guys discussed before having kids? My SO and I haven’t had kids yet for this reason - he’s not ok with the hours I put in. This is a really difficult issue for lots of people so know that you aren’t alone! If it’s not something you are really ok with, I say don’t go in house because you will regret it and probably end up resenting him. I hope you’re able to find a workable solution for both of you!

like

At risk of sounding counter cultural, do it.

like

Obviously this is a tough call for so many reasons. It will come down to your values and priorities. Law can be a crushing career regardless of gender. Do what you can to align your life with your values. It may also be possible to make a plan so it doesn’t feel like forever—like you reassess once a decision on making partner and how your work life and priorities can/will change after that. But commit to that realignment.

There’s a lot of gendered questions about a woman being asked to dial her career back and, while I’m sensitive to that, I also don’t think it is helpful to assume that that’s what’s behind it. My dad, a lawyer, worked crazy hours when we were little, and he has said many times over the years that he regrets it and wishes that he was more present for us. At one point, when my sister was little, she didn’t recognize him because he’d been working so much. He switched firms after that and, while he still worked hard, he was able to be more present, more often.

like

Discussions with your husband with a neutral third party would be helpful I think. You both need to be honest with each other. Life can be managed (even the most demanding life) if you’re both pulling together. Your kids will be fine if you two are on the same team, if you are each the other’s biggest cheerleader. As I read that it sounds really cheesy, but 32 years of practice, 35 years of marriage and two grown kids, that’s how we did it.

like

Is there a way you can pull back a little bit while the kids are young without taking yourself out of the game? Reductions in hours and things like that (given that it's something you want, and not being forced on you) can be great, but also depends on firm culture.

like

Related Posts

Capgemini@

Hi fishes,

How to take my partner and my child to us?
I am going to us in next 6 months..

Can anyone let me know the process?

like

Anyone have any experience working with The Mom Project in Chicago? I had a recruiter reach out to me and I’m a little concerned that they know I’m a mother when I keep that info pretty close ...

Southwest 🐠: if I’m A-List and board when they call A-list people, can my wife board with me (who’s not A list). Want to sit next together but afraid if she boards with her boarding group and I board with A list that won’t happen.

like

I ran into my ex a couple days ago and it’s just all screwed with my head. We are kinda talking and he invited me to his company holiday party to be his +1.

And then he’s been ignoring me.

like

Can someone please tell me in detail about the child care long term sabbatical leave at tcs?
What is the process, for how long and until what age of the child can it be availed?

like

Took a blood test and found out that we are pregnant on 9/1. Our beta tests looked good. I have my first ultrasound appt not until 9/15. Are there any hcg test I can take at home so I know it's still rising appropriately until my appt? I'm being cautiously optimistic...

like

Good maternity clothes for work???

like

One of your roommates (and a close friend that you’ve known for years) has a flight to catch. He has a suitcase, a duffle bag (no wheels), and a backpack. In order for him to get to the airport would you:

A) offer to drive him to the airport that’s about .5 miles away (5 minute drive)

B) tell him to order an Uber since you know his work would pay for it

C) tell him to not be lazy and walk half a mile to the nearest public transportation stop, with all that luggage, and take public transit

like

Folks with kids, how did you teach your kids your mother tongue that is not english. My SO and i are from north and south india, so we only talk in english. Please share your experiences

Is anyone living on different floors with ~1 year old? Does it work, PROs, CONs? Our master bedroom is upstairs. There are two bedrooms downstairs so I always thought we’d use one of those rooms as our bedroom so we’re on the same floor with baby but it seems husband wants to stay upstairs. And he’s using one of the rooms downstairs as a home office. We bought this house so cannot move in the short term.

like

Has anyone been laid off or fired and found it to be a blessing in disguise? How long did it take you to rebound and find something better?

like

Last 5 years I've been fortunate enough to be working, especially thru the pandemic in a very successful ortho practice. Past months I've been struggling with a nagging hip injury I had surgery in February, went to work the next day. My body is failing & my mind is following, I've recently turned to alcohol. I've spoken to my PCP she gave me something to back off the booze & I've been going to therapy for hip & mh. How should I speak to my employer about taking time off? Prob another procedure

like

My cat is really sick and in the hospital. So many people love and care about him - my sister wants to make a gofundme. Is that appropriate? I’ve had mixed reviews but I could definitely use the help. He’s touched so many people

like

anybody working/worked in the Bank of America project at Infosys.? How is the work, wlb and learning, onsite opportunities in this project? Infosys

like

Hello People,
Looking for advice based on experience. Currently living with in-laws that have come to support us with our first baby. My in-laws and I have had a rocky start to our relationship due to ours being an inter-religion marriage. Many things have been said that I’m neither able to forgive nor forget. I have a very kind husband who understands my sentiments but wants to try to have a cordial relationship with them now for the sake of our baby (and baby’s relationship with grandparents)

like

Hi Fishes Anyone from Canadian Tire account in Cognizant ? I have recently joined @Cognizant and allocated to this project. Wanted to know how is the work life balance ,oppurtunities and culture. Thanks in advance

like

Hi fishies! Considering an internal big 4 move from Western Europe to Dubai. Not sure about WLB and whether there’ll be enough growth and learning opportunities after reading some of the threads here. Anyone up for sharing their experience? Especially concerned about sexism / racism as a WOC…and whether moving back to Europe in a few years will be difficult because the ME experience won’t be considered valuable.

like

Thrilled to be hosting Mother’s Day brunch for my MIL and SIL. Even more thrilled that at the end of the day, my house will be child free. Party on, friends!

likefunny

How much do you guys pay for child care? Include their age and number of kids.

like

Any book recommendations to gift my cousin sister? She studied (masters) psychology and is a trained classical dancer.

like

More Posts

Dickinson Wright salary scale?

like

DM if interested.

Post Photo
like

Hey Fishesh,

Looking for python developer. YOE 4.6 years
skills - python, django, aws lambda, s3, postgresql
location- Pune

Thanks in advance

like

I am looking to switch with skills of Sql, Tableau & Spark(data analysis). Any suggestions to learn more ? and How much CTC can i expect with 4YOE currently with 4.86LPA

Hi All

Any idea as to till when can we expect work from home in global practice?

like

How can someone find a job localizing marketing content (taking poorly translated material and fixing it up for US consumers)? I've heard that it's a real job but can't find much information about it

like

I am working as a QA Automation Engineer with 6.6 YOE ,got selected for Nagaro conpany for 19 lpa .How much package i can expect from other companies

like

1: “I’m going with pumpkin spice today.”
2: “You’re such a basic bitch.”
1: “I am indeed.”
2: “I am also.”

likefunny

Interacting with people on a worldwide basis is great, my favorite part of working in logistics is the people I get to meet

like

Currently I’m in Level 12 with the pay of 4.5lpa, expecting a promotion to Level 11

What would be my revised CTC?

YOE - 2.10

like

Uber is on hiring freeze!!@

like

Does anyone work for a company that is paying for them to get an MS in Data Science or Business Analytics? If so, where?

like

If we’re to contract a consulting firm to prosecute trump out of office, which one and why would it be McKinsey

Post Photo
likefunny

Would love to hear about your experiences at Olive AI! What is the work culture like at olive? Pros/cons? Salary ranges. Looking to make the jump!

like

What is the minimum grade and salary for USA/CANADA Onsite from TCS?

like
like

I’m at a hotel bar getting a drink while I wait for my hookup. Now I understand why hookers hang out at hotel bars. There are so many fish here to fry.

funnylike

What are Rotational Shift timing of various projects in HCL Technologies

Additional Posts in Women in Law

Any advice for getting your name out there as a junior attorney?

like

Best handbag / shoulder bag for work that is both professional and also convenient (e.g. can take work laptop, documents, food containers, water bottle)?

In your experience, how accurate has the Robert Half Salary Guide been? Small law in LCOL area. Fourth year associate trying to figure out appropriate salary range. I’ve heard the 1/3 of your billable time value as well? Any guidance appreciated.

like

Anyone else obsess over your next career move? I’m a senior associate in a niche BigLaw group in DC. I am just now hitting my stride and can really see a path to partnership. I handle my own matters relatively independently, am generating some business, and will inherit a large book of business in my favorite space in the next year or so. The problem is that this isn’t what I want, or at least what I think I want. (Continued in comments).

like

Just found out i did not pass the bar..any suggestions on how to muster up the confidence to take it again especially while now being full time and I have 2 kids.

like

Hugel sale on jcrew site if anyone is looking for some deals :) 70% off sale items with 3 or more items purchased. I went a little nuts!!!

like

Seeking advise for my first solo jury trial coming up. What are some things you wish you would have known?

Type: Civil litigation contract dispute. I’m defense.

like

Annual review advice?
I feel very secure in my long-term employment and am doing very well. I work at a midsized boutique with a generally solid culture. I’ve been described as “rising star/golden child” etc., glowing reviews. The thing is that I’ve had a tough year with absent mentors, low interaction/training (there are extenuating circumstances with my SA.) Do I mention what changes I need to see to stay here? Or just go along, accept my good reviews and bonus, and keep my head down?

like

Has anyone used a surrogate? If yes, how did you find them and would you recommend the experience? I really want kids and have not yet started trying to have them naturally but the idea of pregnancy and birth are absolutely terrifying me. I’m sure everyone is nervous about it but my fear is getting bigger and bigger and I just turned 30 so I’m hearing my biological clock ticking.

like

I have been looking for a job since the end of March. I keep seeing folks getting hired and wonder what am I doing wrong? Or any suggestions on how to increase my chances of getting hired? Thanks

like

Has anyone ever tried the Tracy Anderson method?

like

How honest is too honest in an exit interview? I am leaving because of problems with one partner in particular but I do not want to burn a bridge in case I ever need the firm in the future.

like

Plus size suits! Help!

New attorney, realizing my law clerk clothing needs an upgrade to some nice and possibly tailored blazers and pants. I tend to have options of dark blue, black and dark grey pieces but they are either too short (I’m 5’10”) or too big now (recent weight loss). Where can I get some quality plus size 20-24 suit pieces? For reference- I have all of the torrid and lane Bryant options. Looking for alternatives, these brands are not cutting it.

like

Making the switch from public to private sector. What questions do you wish you would have asked about your firm in informational interviews?

I keep seeing LinkedIn posts about Chief. Anyone know anything about it? Seems exclusive yet they are trying to be more inclusive??

like

I’m currently a junior associate in a boutique litigation firm handling IP. I’ve taken a depo already, will argue in court next month and by all accounts, I am great at it. But I’m miserable. I find the games with opposing counsel exhausting and I despise writing briefs (even if I’m good at it). My pre-law school job was in public relations and I chose litigation because I like to win, but I’m now realizing I like success more than the win-lose. Feeling lost… should I move to transactional?

like

I have to spend all of next week at a wedding with a friend who I realized makes me feel bad and I don't want to be around anymore. Don't know how I'll get through it 😩

like

Question for moms. I’m getting married next year and have several close family members that will have babies ages 8-11 months old by then. What are some ways I can support the moms and make it an enjoyable experience for them? We have a separate room at the venue that I was thinking could be offered to the parents to use, or potentially hiring a babysitter for them (either at the venue or back at the hotel). I would love for the families to be able to come, as it is out of town.

like

What are pros and cons of working for a government legal department and is it a good lateral move for career advancement?

like

Anyone know how to get expedited shipping on the Nordstrom website?

like

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal