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I think you shouldn’t quit simply because your husband wants you to. How many men in your practice group or firm have two or more kids? A good amount, I’m sure. Your husband needs to be more supportive. Women have dealt with busy big law husbands forever, why is it so hard for your husband to do so? On the other hand if you personally want a change, go for it.
I agree with the others that it seems unfair and controlling, and things might get a tiny bit better after you make partner, and maybe you and your spouse could benefit from counseling. Additionally, if you give in and take a job with less stress and responsibilities then you may earn less money. With that said, what if you keep going with the crazy hours and stress and making your spouse force you to spend time with your own family, and he leaves? It sounds like he is trying to tell you his needs. Maybe he is being unfair and counseling/discussion may help him see that. If what he wants is daily face time with the family all together, a nanny may not substitute for your presence but maybe a housekeeper would let you spend higher quality time with them so you could cut back on the family hours. If your spouse really needs you to spend time with your kids, then you may have to take a less demanding job. Even if it’s unfair. When you’re elderly and have time to reflect, would you regret missing out on time with your kids and losing your spouse, for the sake of your job?
OP: to try and be helpful here after reading many comments and your responses, I’ll say this:
1) i think some of your issues will be eliminated by hiring a maid and cook. It sounds like a lot of your husband’s issues don’t have to do with you being at home or doing the house hold work but to do more with him not wanting to do them, or atleast do more than you. So please consider getting more help so with household chores. That way both of you can enjoy your time with the kids.
2) perhaps you can do one of the things your husband is doing until you’ve availed yourself some extra help? Can you drop/ pick your kids up from day care? Or do the cooking once or twice a week? Perhaps you can meal prep and make your time spend on it as efficient as possible?
3) you mentioned you have some anxiety/ covid related mental health issues. I completely understand this as a fellow mental health issues sufferer. Try to get help, first. Second, please have an open conversation with your husband and bring your doctor in if necessary to help them understand how much it’s actually affecting you. And lastly, I’ve gone through several bouts of situational anxiety and depression and I know this - don’t make big life a changing decisions when experiencing these issues - leaving your 8th year position in biglaw in a job you like would be one of them.
Try and get additional help in all forms possible (cook, maid, doctors) until atleast this pandemic’s impact has reduced and then if you both still feel this way, you can change it.
This is my honest, trying not to judge, opinion. I think you can work it out with your spouse. He seems to have supported you all along so a sudden change of heart doesn’t seem rational. He probably just needs some help from you and wants to spend more time with you.
Definitely explore husband's experience regarding his parents in therapy. Might be helpful to have him do some therapy on his own too. Is he close to his mother now?
Need to figure out how to make him feel loved and secure in the relationship and like you're prioritizing your children's well being more than his mom did to him. Figure out what made him feel the most rejected/ abandoned growing up, what made him feel safe, how he viewed his parents' relationship etc. Goal is to get everyone's needs met in a more efficient way (not 4 hours every night).
Definitely don't quit your job over this (unless you want to)
Pro
Hire a part time nanny?
Outsource more (cleaning, cooking, taking kids to school) by getting a before daycare or after daycare helper for a few hours a day. I hire someone to do errands a few hours a week, dry cleaning, post office, etc. I am a 9th year in big law and don’t have the time and don’t think it’s right for it to fall 100% on my husband. Think of it like hiring someone to carry your half of the load.
And work on figuring out your own anxieties- together I think the two would go a long way.
Do not dim your light! ✨ family is deeply important but so are your goals and your aspirations. Make sure that whatever you do, you do it because YOU want to because otherwise resentment might brew. Do not dim your light for others.
Your husband's views sound sexist to me.
I disagree. My husband worked and traveled all the time. I was working as well. But when we were home everything fell on me. I was miserable. I was your husband. It isn’t sexist, it is about wanting a quality of life with your family. I think the hours you are working are crazy, and I know many people do. At some point you need to accept that you will never be completely satisfied. You may give in your career, or you may give when it comes to family. I look at my career and wish I had achieved more. Kids don’t give you bonuses, fancy dinners, or awards. But they are the best award you can give to the world. I think when you marry, have kids and pick a demanding career you give up a little bit of everything. Maybe you and your husband can have a 1 year plan where you make incremental changes to reduce your workhours to a more normal schedule. You may find that you are happier than you dreamed possible.
That is a very difficult position to be in. One thing to consider is how you want life to look like in 10-15 years. Your children and marriage are to be treasured above all things, but that doesn’t mean you need to stop work completely. My husband and I decided I will leave Big Law because of the strain it has put on our marriage (he pulls more than his fair share at home and wants me to be a super lawyer, but the stress and time is not healthy for us). I will be clerking, have a part time nanny, and then find a smaller firm after I am done clerking. I want my children to know me and my marriage to be a happy one. Yes, you may have beat the odds at this point, but you may not want to become one of the statistics of a broken marriage and home.
Congrats! That is awesome!
What if you meet each other half way? There are certain days where you agree to be present. Also, have you considered hiring a nanny to help with the household chores / cooking, being with the kids during at home learning, etc.? That might help take the load of him.
Also, would you consider a different firm where there might be some flexibility? I would also try relying on junior associates more and leveraging them, which might free up your time.
It sounds like there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed re: why he wants you to be "present" every day from 5-9. You should have a conversation to delve into this.
Is it because he feels lonely/ wants to spend more time with you/ wants to feel like time with the kids is "fun" joint play time rather than work that he has to shoulder?
Is it because he thinks it's important to their development to have mom around for 4 hours every night? Why? Because it's what he grew up with? Because he wants them to feel prioritized?
Each possibility will have different solutions.
Read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky together. It's a great conversation starter and written by a female attorney who has been in your shoes. It's a game changer for respecting each other's time and passions to make your household work for everyone in your family.
I don’t have kids am a 3rd year associate, but I don’t remember the last time I left the office by 5 or saw other attorneys leave by 5 (We are still working in the office). Being present at home starting at 5 pm seems unrealistic.
Just echoing this. I am at a smaller firm and I struggle to even leave at 5.
I've been exactly where you are. Biglaw and three small children. My husband was also working at a big firm. It was so much work to get where we were, but we were all so unhappy. I was missing my children growing up. I tried a few different positions, including in-house. In-house wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. The workload was heavy, and I still couldn't do things like leave early for my kids' school events. I couldn't make it work until I started my own corporate boutique practice.
Now, I work from home. We all do. I even had another baby, and I eat lunch with my two-year-old every day. We are hiring if you are interested. :)
But in any event, I would suggest that you leave for the right opportunity because you never said that you were happy. I'm guessing that you are not.
There's no one answer as all relationships are unique, but I really feel your pain because I've been on both sides of this tension. Mostly on your husband's end - trying to get my spouse to work less and be present more with me and our kid. All I can say is there are a lot of factors other than just time vs money and there needs to be communication and compromise not just one partner feeling pressured into something they don't feel comfortable with. Good luck!
Somewhat similar boat, but litigation and I only have one 2 year old. Maybe your husband is feeling lonely or not appreciated, but it's easier and less needy sounding to say he wants you to be present for the kids than to say he needs you to pay attention to him. When there is a slight lull in deadlines, can you make it a point to stop working early or just take an evening and night off here and there? Or maybe work 2 or 3 long days and the other days stop work around 5 or 6 so you can just be with the family/him for the rest of the evening?
... group at my firm. I am the main income earner in my household and our household income will be reduced by about a third if I go in-house. He says he would rather we suffer financially than have things be how they are right now. Going part time at my firm isn’t really an option due to the nature of my work and the kind of clients I have. Has anyone had to grapple with this?
I think it’s important to be fair in a marriage so I would take a weekend to talk have an honest discussion with my husband about how to reach a middle ground. If he expected me to do all the heavy lifting in raising kids—I would leave. No amount of money would make up for my husband expecting me to do all the heavy lifting and taking on the Herculean task of raising kids. It’s hands down the hardest job. Good luck!
Rising Star
I don’t think your husband is wrong for his position, but I also see your side as well (I am the primary earner with more focus on my career, although pre-kids). Is there anything else you can outsource to make it easier for you to not work in the evenings? I know there’s some pricey, but great “household managers” available through nannying companies who work afternoons/evenings to help with groceries, homework, meals, etc. I also have a friend who pays a neighbor to do her grocery shopping and errands so she and her husband don’t have to worry about that.
If outsourcing isn’t an option, maybe you could look into lateraling somewhere that might have a slightly better balance. That won’t solve all of your problems, but working like you are isn’t sustainable. It sounds like you’d be working until 9pm every night even if you didn’t have family obligations, and that sounds miserable. Lateraling won’t give you the balance that in house would, but you’d at least be keeping a better salary.
Is this something you guys discussed before having kids? My SO and I haven’t had kids yet for this reason - he’s not ok with the hours I put in. This is a really difficult issue for lots of people so know that you aren’t alone! If it’s not something you are really ok with, I say don’t go in house because you will regret it and probably end up resenting him. I hope you’re able to find a workable solution for both of you!
At risk of sounding counter cultural, do it.
Obviously this is a tough call for so many reasons. It will come down to your values and priorities. Law can be a crushing career regardless of gender. Do what you can to align your life with your values. It may also be possible to make a plan so it doesn’t feel like forever—like you reassess once a decision on making partner and how your work life and priorities can/will change after that. But commit to that realignment.
There’s a lot of gendered questions about a woman being asked to dial her career back and, while I’m sensitive to that, I also don’t think it is helpful to assume that that’s what’s behind it. My dad, a lawyer, worked crazy hours when we were little, and he has said many times over the years that he regrets it and wishes that he was more present for us. At one point, when my sister was little, she didn’t recognize him because he’d been working so much. He switched firms after that and, while he still worked hard, he was able to be more present, more often.
Discussions with your husband with a neutral third party would be helpful I think. You both need to be honest with each other. Life can be managed (even the most demanding life) if you’re both pulling together. Your kids will be fine if you two are on the same team, if you are each the other’s biggest cheerleader. As I read that it sounds really cheesy, but 32 years of practice, 35 years of marriage and two grown kids, that’s how we did it.
Is there a way you can pull back a little bit while the kids are young without taking yourself out of the game? Reductions in hours and things like that (given that it's something you want, and not being forced on you) can be great, but also depends on firm culture.