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"post_content": "Advice please - how would you split expenses? My boyfriend of 3 years and I are moving in together for the 1st time. We both wanted to leave our current city. He got a great job offer in a city where rent is more expensive than I would like. He will make $150k+ and I will make $80k+. However, I have much more in savings than he does. I feel silly asking him to cover the living expenses proportionately since we see a future together but also feel a bit resentful that he hasn’t offered to (cont)",
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When I lived with a boyfriend where I made more and he less we split joint expenses proportional to income. This was actually my idea bc I wanted a nicer place than he would have been able to go 50-50 on. One thing we did that I recommend to everyone is we kept our own personal bank accounts and opened one that was joint. We received our own direct deposits into our personal accounts and then had an auto deposit set up the day after each of us got paid that transferred a set amount into the joint account. We figured up the amounts by adding all basic living expenses including rent, groceries, utilities, etc and then added some padding for joint fun like restaurants, movies, other entertainment. That way we never fought over whose turn it was to pick up the check or labeled his and hers yogurt cups in the fridge or anything. Joint expenses came out of the joint account, everything else stayed mine and his. This worked awesome and I implemented the system again with my now husband when we got together. Once we bought a house together mine/his started losing meaning and over time we moved everything into joint, but it was very organic. Good luck!
Situation: We live together and make about the same/sometimes I make more depending on the month because we have a very unique situation.
We used to split rent 50/50 and took turns paying for groceries, eating out, etc. but now that we are a lot more serious, we decided to try something new which works perfectly.
We got a travel credit card (in one of our names and get the other person as an auth. user) and we charge that card for everything shared (I.e. groceries, eating out, drinks, entertainment, etc). This helps us with a few things:
1. budgeting purposes each month (we can see at a glance how much we are going out, spending, etc)
2. Accumulate credit card points for travel when we get married and want to honeymoon/want to take a spontaneous trip
3. Divide up how we pay off the card in full each month depending on the month (sometimes 50/50, sometimes 60/40)
All other expenses (if I go out with my girls or buy myself makeup or a new purse, will come out or my account/charged on my other credit cards which is 100% my responsibility and vise versa)
My boyfriend and I are very open with our finances and makes having conversations like this a lot easier for both sides.
If he doesn’t offer to live within the budget you can afford to maintain 50/50 then he would need to cover the difference. You should never risk your financial security for anyone even if you were married. It’s not a great sign he isn’t able to see how this effects you.
Then you can’t afford it. A relationship is supposed to add value to your life, not take away. He’s literally taking value away by draining your finances and emotionally taking away by making you feel guilty. Day to day things that you both equally use like groceries and utilities should be 50-50 but if he wants you to pay half of a rent based on HIM making twice as you then he’s not someone you should be considering a future with. He doesn’t even consider you’re future or your present.
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce. If you guys can’t discuss this now, it won’t go away. Talk to him about it. Your concerns are valid.
I think I agree don't dip in to your savings thats for you
See what he says and tell him what you can afford to do ge gets a lot more than you anyway early double
My husband and I have a similar situation — but I make more than twice as much as him. We split rent proportionally; it’s an awkward convo, but it’s worth bringing up.
Same. I make twice as much as my husband. We have a joint checking where I put in twice as much as he does monthly. We use it for rent, utilities, groceries and dog expenses. There is a really great article on this on ellevest.com. It also goes into how being a woman can play into this. For instance, if you and your partner make the same amount, a male should actually have to pay more because he naturally makes more.
My boyfriend and I split rent proportionally but things like groceries and bills are 50:50. I make more than 2x and enjoy nice food more than he does so I will usually foot the bill if we’re out to a fancier dinner. And I usually cover more if we go on trips.
In the beginning, he wasn’t forthright with me about expenses and he was getting himself in a lot of credit card debt and it made things really stressful when we were trying to secure a mortgage. I wish he had been 100% honest with me from the beginning because I felt like I was taking on more of our expenses from the beginning and he was nickel and dining me on things like groceries and it was a cause of stress and resentment until he finally came forward years later about everything.
I highly encourage you to have a really honest conversation with your partner about all this and reach a mutual decision on what seems fair and reasonable.
Something that was a big factor before was I took on 100% of the payments on the car and still paid for 50% of other expenses. I also had student debt when we started to live together and he didn’t. I used to only make a little bit more than him when we started living together six year ago but he hasn’t been working towards a career as much so the gap has increased steadily (hence some of the past frustration).
But we now use one of my credit cards to pay for all shared expenses and our personal cards for anything else. It’s way easier to track things that way and split it 50-50 and we don’t need to chase down receipts or anything.
We are way better about talking about expenses and feasibility now and there’s an inherent understanding that I will pay a lot more for things that aren’t “must haves” right then and there. For example, we recently remodeled our kitchen and I paid for 80% of it. I also paid for 80% of all the furniture we’ve bought over the years.
In the long run, I know we’re going to be together but he needs to be more fiscally responsible, and groceries and electricity are things he would have to pay for on his own even if we weren’t together so 50-50 made sense for us. But actually, he uses WAY more electricity and heat and water than I do (I infamously used to pay half the amount for utilities as my friends when we lived in the same building and people thought my meter was broken) and eats more than I do too so I’m covering more than I would if I lived alone but that’s fine now that I’m making so much more than I did in the beginning and he helps out more around the house.
It was just really stressful when we were making closer to the same amount and it took us years to get real about it!
I have voiced my concerns over our income discrepancy and the fact that this move benefits him more than me, but I don’t know if I am being unfair or overly cheap if I ask to split expenses as % of income, since it’s not a big difference from splitting 50-50. We plan to get married in the next 5 years (not soon). How would you approach this situation?
I agree with getting your own place until you’re married. But if you do choose to live with him, cutting expenses proportionally is the way to go.
You always could present the option of living based on your salary. Do half, but live like both of you only make 80k
My partner and i have always split proportional to income. We're lazy so we both picked ~30% to go into a joint account from each paycheck and all household expenses come out of that
I’m not in an LTR but I’ve had convos about this w lots of friends. I think the best approach is to just be like “hey can we sit down and chat through finances and logistics before the move?” And that way he’s prepared for the convo and you can sort out details together. Otherwise you’ll be starting this move / next step forward in your relationship on the wrong foot and one of you will get upset and maybe resentful, which will bleed into the relationship.
Personally I think it’s fairest for the person w higher income to contribute more, and then figure out a split that works for you guys w bills. For example, higher income earner covers the groceries and power bill, other person covers internet and Netflix, etc. My sister and her fiancé have a joint account that they contribute to for household expenses which is also a popular model!
It’s just not reasonable for you to have to dip into your savings when he makes so much more and is the reason for the move!
The first money talks are awkward, but if you plan to get married at some point, consider these the first of MANY difficult conversations and decisions you’ll need to navigate together. This is a great way to start learning how to express your respective needs, hearing the other person, and making decisions together in a loving and fair way. If either or both of you can’t do this effectively, that’s a huge data point for you as you decide what your future will be.
Coach
If he’s just your boyfriend split them right down the middle.
Don’t treat the relationship like a marriage until it actually is one.
No need for joint accounts or joint anything.
What are you comfortable paying? You could always do something like he pays 60% of the rent while you pay 40%…or however much percentage of the rent? Or if it’s easier have him pay for the rest of the bills utilities, internet etc.
Your savings is for you and should not be factored in whatsoever. Outline what you can afford to contribute and work together to set a budget accordingly. If he doesn’t want to do something proportionate to incomes, you could offer to cover utilities and he covers rent; you split groceries. In my house I pay the mortgage, he pays utilities and car notes, we take turns with groceries and other stuff. You could set up a joint account you each contribute to for household stuff. Whatever you do, keep your savings separate and keep some money separate for your own control.
I make 3x as much as my husband. He pays 30% of his income to the mortgage, and then we split gas/electric/internet. We’re about to set up a joint account where this can be done automatically. Your savings are YOURS, and you are not required to dip into them.
Have $$$ convos early and fairly often - you can change the % after you move if your personal financial situation changes, but you have to be up front and honest now to lay a positive foundation to build on. You got this!
I can’t thank you all enough for your responses, I really appreciate the insight!
My husband makes more than me, I have more expenses than him like ridiculous student loan payments and he pays for our health insurance through his work... so in my eyes, splitting it 50/50 is fair and he agreed. Now there are things he tends to pay for like parts for our vehicles or stuff to fix the house if there’s something broken etc... so that’s another way he gives back since he makes more than me.
Following! I make 100k+ and my boyfriend makes significantly less. Interested to see what people do.
(Btw my partner and I are doing this right now. Moving in, I make a lot more). We are either going to each contribute 30% of our take-home OR just each pay the max we’re comfortable with (eg adding up what we each currently pay in rent).
My bf salary makes more as twice as myself. We split 60/40. We contribute our portion into a joint checking account for rent, groceries, and eat outs.