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If there is anything science taught you it is-
Additional Posts in Depression/Anxiety Talk
Dear God please give me the strength
How did you know you needed meds?
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Your not alone in how you fee
I hear you. A couple suggestions on books you might consider reading:
1. Love yourself like your life depends on it (practical tips to commit to fostering love for yourself, from someone who has felt like a failure)
2. Feeling good (covers cognitive distortions which there are a lot of in your post)
Hope this helps! Sending positive vibes