After a night out with a few people, an indirect subordinate (lower in staff level but not direct manager) was texting me and ended up inviting me to hotel room. Some things happened. I was not using all my brain cells now I’m terrified this could get serious or result in drama. I guess I have two options (1) pray to god that we can just move on and call it a mistake while maintaining professional conduct or (2) proactively report it and manage the consequences. Anyone have experience?

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Before the woke period! This was very common. We are humans and we have needs. Anything consensual is fine and allowed, just be careful

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You sound very young. It's nothing to do with "woke." Sexual relationships at work have always been complicated. Even way back in the golden age of the 1980s, it was understood that "consensual" can be hard to define when people have unequal power.

likehelpful

I don't understand the issue. You hooked up with someone at work and neither of your have any influence over the other. No harm no foul.

likefunny

Agree. If you’re not their direct manager, relationship between staff shouldn’t be any issue no matter the level. You just can’t be their direct.

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I think you’re fine. I started dating my coworker in the same department (my now husband) and called HR to report that we were dating. HR literally asked: “are you his boss? Is he your boss? No? Then there’s nothing I can report on. Thanks for calling, bye.” As long as this person isn’t a direct report then there’s not much to be done.

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P1, in our firm there are many thousands of MDs. Many people are in unrelated orgs. I was referring specifically to this case where the two people don't have a reporting relationship.

We use the noun definition "a reporting subordinate at any level", not the adjective definition "a lower level".

Was it consensual? Do you feel you were respected? Do you feel you respected the other? Just move on and don’t report. You’ll be making a bigger deal of this than it is.

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Touch grass M1, and next time try not to learn about consent from Tumblr.

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People overthink everything and make normal situations dramatic. This is completely no big deal…

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Just move on!

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Are either of you married? If not, one point each for a maximum of two points. Was it consensual? If so, two points. Do you find each other attractive? One point each. If you get to 5, start dating and make it official. If less than 2, you are pretty much screwed. If 2-4 then wait and watch

likefunnysmart

I'm a consultant. I read the first line and gave my opinion while disregarding the rest

funnylike

Maybe a future spouse? Just talk about it in a non-work space. See if you're both level headed about it and decide from there.

likefunny

Basically yes if both parties aren’t level headed about the situation I would have to consider reporting and just getting through the formal pain to avoid more potential drama.

I don’t really see any issues. You were two consenting adults and neither are in a direct management of the other. Just date if you want or move on and awkwardly say hey at the water cooler

likesmart

Maybe see how they feel about the situation

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If you are more senior and presumably more mature I suggest you rethink this ^
I would talk about it, better for you to field any concerns versus someone else.

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Start applying for new jobs or just move on.

likefunny

OP if it was consensual, talk to the person out side of work hours and just make sure you’re on the same page. Nothing to report at this time - the firm doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of everything. If you’re both not looking for anything serious, keep it on the DL.

likesmart

Thank you for this! I appreciate the comment. I’m planning to do just that. Happy Monday.

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Oh snap 🫰

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Ok whatever you do, don’t do what k7 is saying. Literally the worst comment or advice anyone can give.

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Confirmed. Def amber heard vibes.

likefunny

If you're a woman and it was a man that invited you to his hotel room, I'd be more concerned about the celebrations he is probably having with his fellow, young male coworkers and how fast that can spread throughout your firm. Some young guys even keep scorecards as if they are playing fantasy football. Very common in consulting when you are working in teams, constantly traveling and many of the younger people are single. I've had jock type colleagues tell me they've slept with 3 or 4 people on our project team, which kind of surprised me. 😂

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Ew, and also, not surprising. So glad I switched careers to consulting at 29 instead of fresh out of college... Granted, I wasn't single at 21, so that might have helped, but I remember the hurr hurr hurr dirty jokes I was told in my early 30s to see if I was "cool" and "one of the guys," so I can't imagine the shit I would have had to deal with if I had been in my 20s. Lawd help us all.

Just try to act normal. Im dealing with othrrs in an ongoing extramarital relationship and its forcing me to leave. If you both can just be adults, all will be well. Hoping you both can just be normal.

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Kpmg1- You wild!

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What’s more concerning on this thread is that 2 separate people made an assumption (that was no where in the original post) that 1) this was non-consensual 2) this was a guy that was going to do this to brag to his Friends/spread rumors / take scorecards. Just wow

This is the world we live in now.

likefunny

KF1 we need more like you out here 🙌

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I’m sorry to say I think you are exposed to some risk here. Not from the firm/HR, but from the other party. This person can derail your career by claiming they felt they were not in a position to provide consent. First, because they were intoxicated — which means they were not of sound mind to provide consent. Second, because they felt they couldn’t say no because of the power imbalance — direct or not.

It doesn’t matter if either of those claims is true. If the other person feels that way — or simply claims to HR that they feel that way — the firm will investigate and almost certainly take aggressive action against you. In the current climate, the firm would rather minimize the chance of public scandal or litigation and be seen as taking swift action to stamp out workplace misconduct than be sympathetic to your side of the story. It’s the hottest button issue in U.S. — particularly if you are a man and the other party is a woman (which I am going to go on a limb and assume is the case).

I would recommend speaking with the other person to ensure they feel comfortable with what happened. Make sure they feel respected by you. And make sure it’s evident that you were in no way taking advantage of them for being drunk or for being an indirect subordinate. As long as they are mature about this, you should be fine. Even if the firm/HR finds out. But if they want to, they can absolutely torpedo your career. What’s worse is that nothing has to be proven. According to firm policy, if an employee is made uncomfortable by a sexual act by another employee — regardless of intent — the act is considered sexual harassment. What’s even worse is that there is no statute of limitations on when the person can make the claim to HR. Most folks understand that it takes time for people to muster up the courage to take action.

Self-disclosing to HR doesn’t really help you. Even if you proactively assure HR that you had a consensual evening together, the other party didn’t feel taken advantage of, and that it’s a one-time thing and that there would never be retaliation for the other person not reciprocating again in the future, that doesn’t prevent the other person from saying the opposite later.

In short, for your peace of mind, I would talk to the other person to gage where they are and make sure they feel comfortable and respected. And then make sure you are never in a position to help or hurt their career. Then just hope they never report it to HR in a light that is uncharitable to you.

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Good analysis. I think there is a good chance that they will report this.

Definitely need to report this on KICS

funnylike

OP what’s the update? I’m emotionally invested now lol

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