{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Am I a bad friend? I have a friend, S, who wants to come to a very famous IVF clinic in my city. A few weeks ago, she stayed with me for two days to do her exams and initial consultation with the doctor. I picked her up and dropped her off at the airport. I also drove her to the clinic which is 40min away, and picked her up. I cooked for her, and drover her around to see our city. My work is really demanding so I felt I couldn’t do it any more. (To be continued)", "post_id": "62bd024c1e09a1001fc3e5a5", "reply_count": 69, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession ", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Am I a bad friend? I have a friend, S, who wants to come to a very famous IVF clinic in my city. A few weeks ago, she stayed with me for two days to do her exams and initial consultation with the doctor. I picked her up and dropped her off at the airport. I also drove her to the clinic which is 40min away, and picked her up. I cooked for her, and drover her around to see our city. My work is really demanding so I felt I couldn’t do it any more. (To be continued)

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Honestly this is a tough one. It’s important to put your mental health first but it’s also important to put yourself her position and think of what you’d hope your friend would do for you. I think it’s ok to draw boundaries (not letting her drive your car is totally understandable I would never let anyone drive my car under any circumstances except my mom bc I’m willing to pay for any accidents she has but no one else). I’m also always very busy with work at my firm, so if it were me, I would say you can’t use my car I don’t have time to drive you so you have to rent something but your boyfriend can come during the duration of your treatment but you guys gotta rent a car. As a friend, I wouldn’t want to put up with them being at my place, but I’d suck it up

likesmart

Your friend can use turo and borrow a car and drive herself around or uber around. Staying with you for 2 weeks is already doing alot and it's unfair for her to expect you to host her and her bf and cater to her needs. You should let her know how you feel and that work commitments will have you busy but she's welcome to tour the town on her own with her bf. Again, just straight up say no to borrowing your car or that for safety/insurance issues, it makes you uncomfortable to let either one of them drive it around.

Yeah.. I think your follow up message about your upbringing and such resonate with me. I was actually thinking randomly about something similar recently - how when I was growing up my parents always gladly hosted my zillions of cousins and aunts and uncles whenever they wanted to come to our town, for however long, cooked and hosted, and never said no. We did have the space for guests. I now have a very different city life and it is hard to imagine, even with more space than I have now (which even this feels silly - we have a three bed but both the none master beds are set up as offices, no guest bedroom - I guess shows what we value lol) letting people come and visit all the time and ever letting someone stay more than a few days.

At the end of the day I agree with everyone else that you are not a bad friend, should say no and that the requests are too much, but it is interesting to consider where we are coming from with these ideas. Has making more money and working so much made us less willing to put up with the downsides of these community ties? Is it that wealthier people sort of have to create boundaries to deal psychologically with the inequities? Are these boundaries good and our families of origin gave too much to these communities - something like we need to put on our oxygen mask first? Or is there something we are loosing now by being way more invested in ourselves and our time and our peace over giving more to the community?

Idk. I understand why you feel conflicted on many levels.

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Interesting perspective - thanks for sharing p1! It really got me thinking I also have parents that do a lot of needless errands for people who are just taking the piss.

I agree there is definitely an aspect of “is this going to affect my enjoyment or inconvenience me” but I think there are also other elements at play. For example I think it’s great when my mum helps people who need it, it’s when I feel like the people don’t need the help but just want to save their own time and resources and use my mums instead where it irks me. I think in our generation, possibly because of more education, we are more aware of opportunity costs and how we use our resources. Most of us are keen to ensure that any resources we have - time, energy, money etc - are use efficiently.

And here, I don’t think it is because OP will be spending a lot of time money and energy putting up with another person in her house and ferrying her around. These things are not free but some people who are “users” will treat it like there is no cost to OP and therefore OP is being selfish by refusing to share. When actually what OPs friend is asking for is a transfer of value from OP to this friend when this friend could probably pay for her own Airbnb.

I think OP, and all of us, would react differently if it was a refugee or a friend fleeing an abusive household where there is clearly a need and OP can provide something that they cannot do for themselves. To me this is a good balance - and ensures that we are giving our resources where it is most needed, rather than frittering it away on people who are just trying to get an easier ride.

smartlike
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If she can afford IVF she can afford to rent a car. It sounds like shes taking advantage of your kindness and the friendship. She’s an adult

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Is her boyfriend also low income?

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Now she is about to start the real treatment. For about 5-7 days, she would need to go to the clinic to do exams every morning. I told her I can’t spend 3 hours everyday taking her to the clinic, and suggested that she rent a car. She wants to driver my car, but I said no because I have concerns about accidents. She’s a bit upset. She also wants to come a week earlier with her boyfriend, because they want to go sightseeing a bit. Honestly, I really can’t imagine living with them for two weeks. My work is very demanding, and i know I will have to spend at least an hour chatting with her everyday. Am I a bad friend?

likesmart

If she comes with the bf, let her stay on her own.

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No. You are still a great friend who showed her around and made her acquainted with your city. And a great friend who will let her stay with you for 5-7 days rent free and will likely be there for her at night to chat and vent. You’re giving a lot. It’s ok to have your boundaries of your car.

Update just saw your update: Oh man. 2 weeks is a lot. That’s overstaying their welcome. They can come another time to sight see or stay part time at a hotel. You can say no that you are busy for that period of time.

likehelpful

Coming from the perspective of a woman currently going through IVF - she is asking too much and taking advantage.

Yes, it’s expensive. No, that doesn’t mean she should get freebies from you.

Stand your ground on the car, and honestly, stand your ground on not being a vacation destination for her and her boyfriend. If they want to come an extra week, recommend a hotel or tell her to check AirBNB.

She might be emotional now (hormones are no joke on these treatment plans), but that doesn’t make her right.

likehelpful

Say no because you feel it in your gut. Watch her response. Then you’ll get to see what she really values. Free lodging and car service or your friendship.

likesmart

And explain your reason. You wish you could let them stay longer, but you have to be able to focus at work and having people in your home would disrupt that for that length of time. You feel bad saying no, but won’t be able to juggle house guests and work for more than a few days at a time. Your needs and feelings are equally important. You are not her parent.

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You have done more than enough - you don’t need to subsidize her life. And the way she is asking makes it sound like they are just asking advantage. If they can afford Ivf and a baby they should be able to afford an Airbnb for two weeks.

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I’ve told her no about borrowing my car. If she really wanna save money, they could drive their own car here.

likesmarthelpful

She said ok. I also suggested they do a road trip on her way out, so she can see so much more.

likesmart

No. They're coming here for their own needs. They need to pay for their own stuff.

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Insomnia thought: if they think an AirBnB and car rental is expensive and out of reach (their excuse to you) just wait until they have a kid and see how much everything costs!
I, like another poster here, have Many Thoughts about them wanting to come to this particular world famous IVF place vs a local to them facility.

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You sound like an amazing friend! Your friend is asking too much of you now. She can get her own accommodations and whatnot.

You can still support her in other ways, which you may have capacity to do because she won’t be staying with you!

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Thank you, all. I do have the extra space in my house to accommodate them. I feel bad because I feel like I am such a brat.

It is true that it would make me more tiring and also it’s inconvenient, but it’s overcome-able. I know back in my hometown where everyone is on the poor side, folks would go out of their way to help each other.

I am such a big time consultant now. I value my personal time and convenience more than saving my friends $$$$. This does make me feel a bit sad.

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That’s right, BAH1. She just wants to have these add-ons. Folks in my hometown were very considerate when they came to visit and tried to keep things ad simple as possible. I feel I owe my folks so much now. Oh boy.

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I’ve done IVF twice with a local clinic (NYC, Weill Cornell). In your shoes, I would gracefully decline their request for your hospitality during this time.

The actual IVF process and meds can effect the primary patient differently: raging hormones, stress of success, physical pain.

That’s too much to impose on a host. Highly recommend saying that you’re empathetic to their case but that you need to focus on work 💯 right now and that they need to make independent arrangements.

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I would decline. A day or two in an emergency is understandable but longer than that is an intrusion. Also I'm not a UBER, there are apps for that.

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I used to have the “mi casa es su casa” mindset but now that I’ve grown and had some bad experiences, my guest room has a maximum nightly stay of 3 nights. You’re not a bad friend.

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Also IVF isn’t successful the first time, I hope it goes through for them this time but what happens if they need another round of treatments? There are thousands of stories out there of people spending years until they could conceive.

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Oh boy. That’s right!

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One more vent. I talked to her tonight to answer questions, because I went through IVF as well. Oh boy, she really doesn’t bother doing research. She would ask me questions such as “what is RX?” and “what is IU?” I really wanted to tell her, please go google it yourself and save me some time.

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Oh gosh. I’m sorry you have to deal with this OP… I know it’s for a friend, but the mental load is still a lot. The judgmental part of me is wondering if she’s even ready to be a mom (why aren’t they married? Why is she going to a designer IVF clinic?)

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No, you’ve done enough. I can’t imagine expecting this much from another person that’s not my SO.

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You’re not a bad friend! I would never expect a friend to run themselves so thin like this. You’re allowed to prioritize your health and well being without guilt 💕 she and her partner can find a way to make it work

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likefunny

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Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭143:8‬ ‭ESV‬‬

likeuplifting

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funnylikehelpful

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funnylikeuplifting

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likehelpfulfunny

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