{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Am I mad to follow love instead of money? \n\nContext: 24 years old, got a great job as a commodity broker, been doing it one year now and bonus has grown substantially every quarter. \n\nLong term girlfriend (3 years) is moving to Australia in October, as of right now she thinks I am going with her. A large % of my social circle are also going. My company will probably not relocate me - our presence is tiny in Oz, meaning I can only get a working holiday visa (temp jobs). Am I mad to move for love?", "post_id": "626d4d50835daa00272dc9db", "reply_count": 239, "vote_count": 27, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Am I mad to follow love instead of money?

Context: 24 years old, got a great job as a commodity broker, been doing it one year now and bonus has grown substantially every quarter.

Long term girlfriend (3 years) is moving to Australia in October, as of right now she thinks I am going with her. A large % of my social circle are also going. My company will probably not relocate me - our presence is tiny in Oz, meaning I can only get a working holiday visa (temp jobs). Am I mad to move for love?

likehelpful
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There are a lot of good replies already, so, in order to add something unique, I'll try to play devil's advocate with your question, in case that's helpful. If it's not, please feel free to ignore my reply.

In what cases could it be mad for somebody to NOT step away from the start of a great career path to follow love and friendship in a new country?

Whether it's your question or the opposite of your question, the easiest answer is: it depends. That's a safe answer too, since I don't know you, the people who matter to you or how dependable those people will be in their relationships to you, which seem potentially important to answering your question well. However, realistically, even people who are not strangers to you may have trouble answering your question, so I'll do my best.

I think what will help you to make the best decision for yourself is how well you think through what you value beyond money.

Work is where most people spend the majority of their lives. It's good to keep work that fits what you want or need, especially if, beyond the money, work offers things beyond money like financial security, networks, and the quality of life that you want. That said, I think that it is easier to find a job that meets what you value for a job beyond the money, than to find love or keep a friend group that you value, which cannot easily be measured in terms of money.

I've seen talented and intelligent people have jobs that represent their top aspirations, yet be lonely and unhealthy due to what their jobs demand from them. Whether people have sufficient self-awareness or self-care skills or not, dream jobs can become dilemmas for many reasons. I don't say this to push you to have an overly negative view of dream jobs. I only mention this so that it is possible to see how it could be mad for somebody to not step away from the start of a great career path to follow love and friendship in a new country. It just may not seem mad because people do not have the hindsight to see that.

Anyways, beyond hypothetical scenarios, I encourage you to consider what would be a source of ongoing motivation and happiness for you, which tends to align with what you value beyond money. I think such consideration can help you to make a decision with self-care factored in, and avoid at least you making a decision primarily out of bad motivations for decisions, like fear of what others think when so much of that may not even matter over time.

If your value for specific people staying in your life will be a big factor in your decision, then obviously, how dependable you find those people will be part of the pros and cons you'll weigh. If those people are all in their twenties, like you, it will be smart to expect you and others capable of a lot of change in the rest of your twenties, just as a part of giving each other reasonable space to change in identities, values, etc.

I’m going to go the opposite way here, as someone who has the most amazing career that I loved… and ended up unemployed. I could not have made it through that time without my husband.

If this girl is truly “your person”, don’t let her go. Do you feel happy and complete with her? Can you imagine your life without her?

A job is never guaranteed. I worked for a F50 company for over a decade until all of a sudden, life happened, and I couldn’t keep my job and live with my husband in our home anymore. I had to go into the office (even though my team was 100% remote), and that just wasn’t possible where we live.

You don’t know what could happen with a job. Even the most secure (like mine) can fall apart, and when your world comes crashing down like that, you will want and need people to help you get through some really hard times in life.

Is she that girl? When things are terrible, do you go to her for help and support and comfort? If yes, stay with her. You’ll need her in more ways than one, and finding people like that isn’t easy.

It will be possible for you to find work in Australia. It might be challenging, especially at first, but it’s possible. And what a cool thing to put on your resume if things don’t work out - employers love to see international work experience.

You’re young and able to do a lot still. I’d personally go with your girlfriend, start a new life in Australia, and see what happens.

But only you know what’s best for you personally and professionally. This is just my two cents from my personal experience and me giving you another side to consider.

Best of luck!

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OP, this is future you/me. I’ve traveled back in time to tell you DON’T DO IT! For god’s sake, you’re on a path towards professional success and financial independence. Don’t take this moment for granted. Understand and accept that with success and money, there won’t be a shortage of young women willing to date you until you hit your fifties at the earliest.

Stay on your path. It’ll suck for a bit, and you’ll second guess yourself for a while. Then you’ll thank future you/me. Leave romance to Hollywood and embrace common sense.

likefunnysmartupliftinghelpful

Don’t do it. When I was younger the same thing happened to me. I almost moved a couple months after my then-partner moved out of the country. He kept telling me to come live with him and that he missed me, but something was holding me back. Luckily, I was at my company for a bit and took a leave of absence for a month and a half just to test things out. When I first visited, everything was perfect, but then the problems settled in. We ended up pretty much breaking up at the end of my trip. Luckily, I still had my great paying job to come back to after a very sad break up. Moral of the story is don’t quit your job for young love. Now I have a new job and even higher position that I don’t think would’ve happened if I quit my job to move for my ex. I also swore to myself to never do long distance either at such a young age, let alone any age..

like

‘She thinks I’m moving with her’, what does that even mean? Did you plan to move together? Did she say ‘hey I’m moving’ and you had to decide to either follow or say goodbye?
Sounds like you guys have to work on your communication.
Moving for someone without having your own plan is not a good, figure out if you want to move to Australia. You’re a person not a carry on.

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C1 it’s great to hear that it is indeed possible to succeed even with a career break - this was one of my biggest concerns. I’ve spoken to my girlfriend about it since posting this and we’ve both agreed that if we aren’t able to both find suitable and good jobs after a year that we’ll reevaluate and move back to Dublin (or London) if we need to. Thanks for the reply and thanks to everyone else who’s left a reply they’ve been hugely helpful

likefunny

Life is an adventure. Jump and figure it out.

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Agree! You are young. Go for it. You will land on your feet.

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I think you should think about which option you’d regret not doing. Will you regret not living a life of adventure and going to Australia? Or will you regret not kick starting your career at a young age? I think either decision is totally valid.

Do you actually want to go to Australia? Or would you simply be going for your girlfriend’s happiness? If it’s the latter, you may start resenting her unless you truly are excited to go.

Personally, I think you are so young at 24, that you will be able to make up any career moves after your trip. If I were you, I’d go on the trip with maybe a contingency plan of what to do if you aren’t enjoying it. You are young and the world is vast. Go explore some!

likehelpful

I was coming here to say this. Go for you, not for her. If it won’t make you happy independent of her it will only build resentment. 24 is young so I wouldn’t worry much about the career issue, so long as you are doing this for you.

If you were engaged/married my advice would be a bit different, but then I don’t think you’d be asking this question.

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I moved to Asia for love when I was 25 and it didn’t work out but it was the push I needed to get to where I am today. I would’ve had more regrets if I stayed in the US — the adventures, new friendships, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

Your career will always be there and when you’re in your 40s like me now, the stories you’ll tell won’t be around how you made lots of money.

likesmarthelpful

Dude, money doesn’t buy experiences. You’ve swallowed too much Airbnb product branding

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Australia is amazing, I say do it. You’re so young you’ll figure out the job stuff

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A3 - I agree with you but OP is considering to go now, not from 2020-2021. Today’s situation is a bit different to the tyranny from the past year(s).

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It depends. How/ why are you not married after 3 years? Are you afraid of commitment, or are there warning signs? Or...
At 24 with no anchors, I'd go unless you can't see forever with her. If the idea of giving her a ring gives you pause, then no.
If you see her as the one, then let nothing stop you from that outcome.

likefunnysmart

Did any of you read past the second sentence?
Try reading it starting in the 3rd sentence.
But I'll play, as far as 1 & 2, I've never understood people who wait for what they want. If the goal is marriage and family, then why not get after it. If you make it 2-3 years, and haven't seen warning signs, then why wait? If you see problems, why stay?
Define your goal, then make that happen. So what is OPs primary goal? Love or career?

likesmart

You can always find another job, much harder to find another person you might want to spend the rest of your life with, assuming it’s serious enough for that to be a factor. That being said and I obviously don’t have further context, but it seems a little odd that a girlfriend of 3 years would decide to move to the other side of the world without you two being on the same page about it and what that means for your relationship and respective careers. I was married already but did a tour in Asia a few years ago and that was a very thorough dialogue with my wife about what they meant for us, her career, mine, our family, etc.

Long winded way of saying it’s a thing to follow love to use your words, but just make sure it’s for the right reasons and you are both on the same page

likehelpful

We are on the same page - I think I didn’t get to reflect this in the original post - I’m just getting cold feet because of how my current job is going.

She’s someone I think I want to spend the rest of my life with also - we have an amazing connection.

Thanks for your two cents 👍🏼

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You can always find a better paying job and opportunities to make money.
You may find a better (for what ever it means) girl.
But you’ll never find the same girl again if you leave her.
I was in exact same situation 28 years back and chose love and been married for 25 years. Career wise I am a Manager a lower title for my age, but made lot of money in job, real estate and investing

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I had the exact same dilemma 10 years ago. I decided to move with my boyfriend, leave NY and a career I loved. Turns out, there were other lucrative career paths (I’m actually doing better now financially than I would if I had stayed on track in NY) and only one of him. We’re now married about to have a second kid. Best decision I ever made.

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I moved my DH and family out of NY 4 years ago, to a very nice, posh area and we were able to save a lot of $ and also enjoyed remote work during pandemic. He company supported remote work as well. Despite the financial success and my career progression, the relationship still suffered and we are not living together now. Custody will be complicated. Life is not as intuitive as I thought!

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Ask yourself “would she do the same for me?”. An honest internal reflection of the answer would likely give you some perspective.

Also, you’re really young. Don’t let the boomers here dissuade you on what could be a great LIFE opportunity. It’s unlikely you’d be getting yourself into anything you’ll regret in the long term. You could just come back if it doesn’t workout.

On a practical note, would you be able to survive in the near/medium term if you weren’t able to get a desirable job there? Not sure how much savings you have as a 24 year old. How comfortable are you with uncertainty?

likesmart

Imo - put aside the gf issue, the bigger question is how do you want to remember your 20s? What are your plans for the future, and will you be able to take the same opportunities then as you do now.

What I mean by this is - if kids and marriage are something you eventually want, then you won't have the same ability to pick up and adventure in the future. So make the adventure choice now - you've got a good foundation and work will always be there.

But if you're not planning on a life that ever involves settling down, then you can adventure at any age, and do so when you have your career well locked in with good momentum, and do it by taking a sabbatical or something similar.

Personally I took option A. Now that I'm settled down with a kid, I'm *so* glad I adventured when I did.

like

Great comment, and I generally agree with the sentiment -cheers.

like

It is very easy to have a beautiful and successful career but it is very hard to find a partner who you can grow with while having a healthy relationship with. Lol it would take me maybe 1-2 weeks to get a different job that pays 200k plus but it may take me 5 years or a lifetime to find someone who matches me perfectly.

There are soo many opportunities to get rich and successful out there both with and without and education.

I think this comes down to one real question. Is this job the only shot you have at getting a successful career like are your skills so narrow that you will never have another chance where you also won’t be able to adapt to a new workplace?

I also don’t know or understand the quality and happiness and love of your relationship so I will make no comments to your relationship.

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Don't stay just for a job/career. They come and go and should never be the thing that defines your life. If you want to go with her just go. The career will work itself out, and even if it doesn't what's the worst that can happen? You might end up coming back, but at least you've given it a go.

likesmart

Never uproot your life for a women… Have you wondered why she isn’t staying in your location for this “love”? Sounds like she’s ready to start an exciting new journey in Australia without you

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OP makes it clear that they have both been planning the move together. She probably has no idea that they aren't as keen as her.

like

Just gonna throw this recent post out there:

https://joinfishbowl.com/post_dtqve1ymam

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Lotta scorned lovers on this post

funnylikesmart

“she thinks i’m moving with her”

plus the rich douchebags telling you there’s no shortage of women to date when you’re rich…. yikes.

This comes down to being a good person. Make your choice and live with it, I guess! But at least stay self aware.

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PC1 - oh my GOD. Your first paragraph is I guess drawn from some fantasy world of yours? I can’t speak for all women, like you seem to be doing, but I can tell you that wealth is usually a major turn off for me. You have to be a pretty special person not to let money turn you into some type of a-hole. I also value the skills it takes to create a sustainable household, not the skills it takes to rake in loads of money you definitely haven’t earned (you can only actually EARN so much money).
If sh*t ever hits the fan, we know how to get by. What will the rich people do when they have no one to pay to fix their things?

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Love is a drug. It does lose its affect as it becomes part of your daily life. You get used to it and develop a tolerance. As you get domesticated love turns into a routine. The clouded thoughts like doing something as drastic as leaving your career to move to Australia, will begin to fade but you would have made the move already and left your job for it. Regrets will accumulate your mind and guess who you are going to blame…the person you moved for. Such moves don’t go well. If love was that strong she would have never decided to move to Australia unless you both had solid plans in place. Sorry to say but realistically partners in an relationship are not equal. One out of the two will always have a more dominant hand from some perspective without the other partner even knowing. You make this move….you will lose that upper hand….but maybe you are already the passive one….

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my respect for Microsoft ⬆️

In my opinion your career is more important at a young age. You should try long distance, I did it for two years over seas and am now an hr flight from my gf who I see a few times a month. If you want it to work, it will. Unless your passion is to move over seas and explore for a period I would not move.

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