Am I right to feel like my partner doesn’t love me after 4 years of dating when they say they don’t want to marry me if I don’t win the H1-B lottery next year? They say they’re not ready to “settle” but they still love me and I’m feeling disappointed and not sure what to make of this

helpfullike
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I would be very done with a partner who said he didn’t want to “settle” when discussing a future with me, assuming they didn’t mean they weren’t ready to “settle down” meaning take that next step.

That said, I also understand not liking the pressure of marriage for visa reasons. I wouldn’t get married for that reason either unless I was ready to get married anyway. But imo the star of the show here is the perception that it’s “settling” to marry you.

likesmart

So I dated an American man for years and his friends and family filled his head with BS that I was with him for a green card and money. Even tho I made more money than him and he was up to his neck in debt. Not saying its your case but a lot of Americans are distrustful of foreigners thinking we are after them to use them

likehelpful

Lol this experience is all too common. I’ve been in the US for 31 years (33 years old) and have had my citizenship since I was a kid. Dated a guy where all of his family and friends thought he was “taking care” of me financially & assumed I needed a green card- despite the fact that I made more money, had more of an education and already owned my own home. But it was Dallas and the city is full of ignorant racists so 🤷🏻‍♀️

likehelpful

Thanks all this is super helpful. I think at the bottom of my heart I know what the answer is, but part of me tried to justify this behavior last night and I was left very confused. I just needed someone else to tell me - so thank you again

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Please, please leave them. The H1-B lottery is purely based on luck - it's not in your control. Not getting selected in H1 doesn't mean you aren't skilled enough. A partner should be a support system and a teammate, even when the world is critical and unfair.

Imagine you do get your visa and you loose your job. You'll end up losing your work authorization too. Would they divorce you/leave you in that situation?

likehelpful

Yes.

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They say they’re willing to “travel” and “work abroad with me” or go to B-school with me if I want to stay in the US. Basically they’re willing to do anything with me besides getting married. I’ve tried asking why and all they can say is “they don’t want to settle.” It’s not so much that I NEED them to marry me- I just feel like I deserve so much more than this

like

They fear that once you have the stability you will trade them in for a newer model

smart

How old are you both? Is there divorce in his family? I did not want to marry young because of many bad marriages in my family started young. So there might be more to the story than just the conclusion that he does not value you. I hope you get luck anyway for love and visas both 😀

smart

Humm it kind of is sort of right now if the driver was the visa issue. And they are 24! That is so young. I don't know. I am all for being with people that see a future with you. But this guy seemed genuinely look for a way to continue the relationship. Be careful not to break up and then regret for the rest of your life if he is a great guy. I did something like that when I was young (break up because I did not see the guyvin my future in the case) and now I am 32 and single =S.

like

No they have every right to feel a little apprehensive. It’s a big life decision to potentially leave all that you know and grew up around to learn/adjust to new languages, cultures, climates, etc.

Hard reality is they might love you, but they might love what they want more, which psychologically is healthy. You shouldn’t up end your life for the person you love at your own detriment. With that being said, being in a large developed country, it is highly probable that they can find someone to love in the same city, if not region, if not country.

funny

And just to clarify - I’m happy to work abroad with my partner so that they can experience that as well. What isn’t fair is that they don’t understand that they have optionality and I do not. We can get married and still choose to work abroad. But if we do not, the difference is they can still return to the US whenever they wish to and I cannot. So then what happens to me? I would’ve risked it all for this person and they could leave me out there on a whim. If they are hesitating now to provide me with this security blanket, how can I expect this person to stand by me if I decide to sacrifice everything I’ve built here and wait for them to be ready to “settle down”?

I would encourage you to think less about what they want and more about what you care about. If you want a long-term relationship where both people are putting in equal work, and see your current partner as this person, express that. If they can’t meet you where you are it’s probably time to walk away.

uplifting

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