Amid covid (2 years ago) I got into a paternalistic/white knight kind of relationship. Basically made SO leave her country to escape from a terrible situation, we weren't official at the time, and I expected things to go a lot more smoothly that they went, love turned more into a protective feeling, however now that I'm changing jobs and in a position where I finally feel like getting the recognition and pay that I deserve I have started to feel a little trapped in my relationship, (Continue)

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Marry her?

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decided to open up the relation ship instead, she seems more secure about it as we talked about more as a swinger thing and not polyamory, we will go to therapy probably anyway to see if she is really sure about it. At the end it just felt good to talk to her about feeling attraction to other girls and not feel guilty of that.

What’s the question?

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Taking a wild punt here, but are you Indian?

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No, I'm from LATAM

Okay are you have doubts because she is “below your social circle” or because you truly aren’t in love with her? Because those are 2 totally different things. It’s pretty narcissistic to think that you need to have a romantic relationship that aligns to the pay/status of your job… like your not the king of England your just an employee 🤣 if you really love this girl then I’m sure she will become more comfortable and even if she is always a little shy, it is what it is. Your relationship has nothing to do with your job in that sense, your not going to get fired because your SO isn’t the most talkative in the room at an event lol.

On the flip side, if you thought this wasn’t going to work out prior to this offer for other reasons like she doesn’t have a stable job, you rushed into the relationship, you are turned off by her lack of independence, etc. then those are all valid reasons to end the relationship. But if you are scouting girls to meeting the qualifications of social events of your job?? That’s weird man

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Sorry if I didn't express myself clearly, the social circle thing is more about what she feels about it, I not what I feel she should be.

She has always been very kind, and true, she is welcomed in my family and when we I stay in her house for 2 to 5 days I always have a great time (until when I have to leave and she doesn't want me to), For more than 2 years she hasn't got a stable job neither strong relationships in the country, and I feel that by protecting her so much I have hindered her abilities to be independent. I'm not that worried about providing for her, but she feels below my social circle and has difficulty interacting, more so with my new colleges as the company pays quite good for the country.

Been thinking about taking some time off, opening it up (altough she has said that would be really hard for her) or ending the relationship, I just feel that i'm not as attracted or in love as she is, and maybe switching things and letting us know more people could reveal if we are with eachother by fear or by a strong connection.
The thing is she still depends economically from me, and I don't want to hurt her either, I have tried to end things twice like one year ago but seeing her in so much tears made my heart collapse.

I have sadly learned to love her as my daugther.
fuck.

You wanted to be the hero and liked the idea of being the hero. But you don't actually like being the hero. At the end of the day it's much easier to just look out for yourself and fantasize about being a hero.

Remember that should you decide to drop her so you don't end up in this position again.

Or coach her and support her into being someone you would be proud to take to social events. Soft skills don't happen overnight. She seems eger to please you and have your company. Connect her with podcasts on topics that would make for good conversations in your circles and discuss them with her. This will also give her something to do and work on when you aren't around.

thanks for the insight I know I have very big part in this, I sometimes just feel the hero narrative is a shit one , and If decided to just stay friends it would have been much easier to do it, I feel the hero narrative just have to much power imbalance to guide to good relationships , I will keep on working on it and support her interest, she had gotten into UX design a lot, is not I who worry about her fitting in, but her.

You have rescuers syndrome, gotta look into why you do. If youre from different worlds and it bothers you now will it work in the long term?

gonna probably blame video games and the old school good guy narrative of some literature, have to work on it tough

What does below your social circle even mean?

sorry for the wording, I was referring to how she feels out of place comparing his lack of degree and carrer with respect to others. that's not what I feel, but it's a little awkward that almost are personal introductions start with "where did you attend to", but that doesn't change what I feel for here, it's just I know she feels much worse about it

If you don't love her, you don't love her. The heart wants what it wants. But with all that she's been through, it's not right to string her along or pretend that some kind of break will magically make you pine for her. Just end it or you will end up hurting her more in the end. Do the right thing with supporting her financially as you figure out a plan for her to become self sufficient. Sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind.

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