{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "An immediate family member passed away. This was something coming, not unexpected Manager and HR knew about it. I followed company policy for leave to deal with. I came back to work and no consolation from my co workers, manager or HR. Come to find out my manager and HR never said anything to anyone. Many I work with knew what I was dealing with and asked about my family member and how they are doing? Embarrassing and ready to resign. Ask for severance?", "post_id": "62f14d59c74dd900241ed1b7", "reply_count": 246, "vote_count": 31, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "The Work-Life Bowl", "feed_type": "bowl" }

An immediate family member passed away. This was something coming, not unexpected Manager and HR knew about it. I followed company policy for leave to deal with. I came back to work and no consolation from my co workers, manager or HR. Come to find out my manager and HR never said anything to anyone. Many I work with knew what I was dealing with and asked about my family member and how they are doing? Embarrassing and ready to resign. Ask for severance?

likefunnyhelpful
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To all of you unloading on the OP, let me offer a different perspective. I lost both parents in a fairly short time period. They were elderly and had been sick, but their deaths were still unexpected. Both times I was contacted by my immediate manager while out on bereavement and asked when I was coming back, which only added to my stress and grief. And both times, on the very morning I returned, I was rewarded by having work piled on me, including getting screamed at by a Partner. Nobody knew what I was dealing with because my management "respected my privacy" and didn't share. While that may be the proper HR protocol, what they didn't respect was the fact that I was shattered, grieving and vulnerable, and even a word of support, encouragement or simply an acknowledgement by my team would have gone a long way towards healing. I have never felt so isolated in my life. I left that firm.

When a firm spews caring, mental health, and "family" but then chooses to ignore a monumental, life-changing loss that is severely impacting an employee's emotional state, there is a vast disconnect in what those things actually mean in reality. The OP is grieving, angry and hurt right now. Show a little compassion and understand that this person is in an altered mental state. Loss does that. Grief does that. It doesn't matter if the death is expected because the finality can knock you to your knees. And no amount of "pls fix" will help. Just time, compassion and eventually acceptance.

Some of these responses are downright despicable.

likeupliftinghelpfulfunny

Well said, EY8

likesmart

Hi there,

Thought I'd shine my own perspective on things.

To start off, I'm sorry for your loss and I hope that both you and your family have been able to cope as reasonably possible.

I lost my father at the start of the pandemic unexpectedly prior to joining kpmg on their grad scheme. At the age of 21, I saw my life fall apart. To some extent I can understand what you're going through, but I thought I'd explain things from a firmwide perspective.

The firm were amazing in the support they provided me in terms of leave, counselling etc. To help process the loss. But it was always in the context of:
1) I need to identify the situation to the relevant personel I.e my PM and PL (in your case your manager and HR)
2) communicate what you would see as a reasonable solution or an ideal outcome (basically you stating any expectations)
3) the firm would do what they can to best support you.

Now in your context, the thought process was most likely:
1) Approve your leave to allow you to process the loss and take care of your family - without any stress of worrying about work.
2) To respect your privacy and personal space during this challenging time. So that you don't feel overwhelmed when you get back to work; and to give you a chance to tell your story, with the colleagues you feel most comfortable with, when you're ready to share.

At the time when emotions are flying sky high, I can appreciate, to a degree, that the actions may not be perceived in the way you want it to be. However, a part of a work life balance involves being given a clear boundary to "switch-off" from work (to focus on your personal life) and once again, to empower you to share the parts of your life which you're comfortable with - without any intrusion from your work environment.

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… what?

likefunnysmarthelpful

I'm sorry for your loss, but not everyone is your friend! What are you gonn say to HR? They were mean.... they didn't asks how I am feeling? Now give me a severance package because my feelings are hurt!?

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I can't imagine your manager or HR thinking it would be appropriate to spread your personal situation around the office. That is your story to tell.

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I’m a private person. I’d be pissed if they told anyone. If you have expectations, they have to be communicated. In the absence of direction, I would respect privacy.

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In general I think it’s not good to make major life decisions like resigning when you are in a particularly emotional state. Give it some time before you decide. Sorry for your loss.

likesmart

Associate 4 - I think taking some time off makes sense. I can’t say how much time is reasonable, totally depends. I have lots of PTO saved up and would probably take 2 weeks.

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Are you from abroad? Is this maybe a cultural difference? I currently have a parent dying of stage 4 cancer. I am going to give my manager forewarning that I will take bereavement but I honestly would be upset if (s)he announced this to everyone.

likehelpful

CO1 I am sorry you are having to go through this. It must be so difficult. Prayers 🙏🙏

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That’s a joke right? HR and your manager do what they were supposed to do and stay out of your personal business. It is up to you to let other people in your organization know. Also last time I checked, you don’t get a severance package when you quit a job.

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Unfortunately, I didn’t see her on the list of graduates hired that year or any years following, nor have I seen her on the portfolio management team since (there team is next to mine now) 😅 I would like to think she is out there somewhere more mature and experienced….

likefunny

As a manager, this is difficult. Even in the best of work environments, everyone deals with loss differently. It’s impossible for HR or a manager to handle one individuals loss the same as another, what’s common decency for one is overwhelming for another. If I don’t have time to discuss with them prior their preferences, then nothing is said or done. But when we do have time, we cover it. Or if I get sidetracked, they breach the topic and share their preferences with me first.

On the same note, my direct reports know I care about them and am willing to support them in the way they need. So lack of an act, like a card, doesn’t equal disrespect or a lack of support. If it does for you, maybe the issue isn’t singular to your situation of loss but is opening your eyes to disengagement you might feel working there as a whole. Processing grief can sometimes help us draw lines in the sand that we’ve let blur. But like others said, processing grief can also lead us to project it in less obvious ways. Only you can determine then make the choice you need in this moment.

likesmarthelpful

I think SM1 hit on something. While handling personal matters is difficult, SM1 makes sure their direct reports know they care.

Maybe you find that your manager is uncaring in general, and this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back? How is your relationship with your manager? An uncaring manager can really be demoralizing. Now. If you love your manager and have a great relationship with them, then I would let this one go. It’s probably company policy to keep personal matters private.

In any case. I think several people have said this: maybe you are reading a bit too much into this one incident. Use this to examine your relationship with your manager and team. Sounds like maybe you haven’t been too happy about them even before this.

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My brother passed away last year and I took 2 weeks off. Work sent flowers and friends sent food and cards. My mother passed away a few weeks ago and I took 2 weeks bereavement and 1 week vacation (I got Covid 3 days after she passed). I received beautiful flower arrangements from 2 different groups at work. My manager asked if I was ok with her sharing the news with my team. I was and I received cards from people based all over the US. My smaller immediate team sent me $200 in Uber eats gift cards. I am very fortunate to work with really caring people.

likeupliftinghelpful

EY 6 - embarrassing. This is not how we're "building a better working world". Go revisit our firm values and perhaps dig deep to find your compassion and then level up.

likeuplifting

My father died in 2019, total surprise, and I received my 3 days of bereavement. My mother died this February. I received one day bereavement and a lovely flower arrangement. My 2-3 most immediate co-workers expressed their sympathy. Certainly no cards, and almost no one knew what was going on. The flowers were exceptional, everything else was typical.
The loss of a loved one is hard, even if forecasted. Co-workers genuinely want you to have space to heal. Take the time and space to do so.

likeuplifting

Never meant to throw any shade on the company. My mother had been in Hospice for three months and I was there every other day. TBH, the grieving was done by the time she passed and I only needed the day for paperwork and such. I didn’t ask for more time because it simply wasn’t needed then.

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Yeah doesn’t matter if an employee lost a dog or a family member we were always notified about it. Think of an employee just asking randomly hows your family and you then notify them they died. Something that they should have known. There’s a certain level of decency that should come from people you work 40-80 hours a week with. We spend more time with them than the people we love. I’m not sure if a severance would apply in this situation since that’s usually connected to layoffs. I definitely empathize though. Sorry about your loss.

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Yes, you're even expecting HR to make a card. Do you realize how difficult that is to do in a virtual environment?

This is your job. Your company/coworkers are not obligated to provide you consolation. If they paid your leave and covered your work obligations, then they held up their end of the deal.

Find emotional support elsewhere.

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Jeanne Duley nailed it!

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I’d be mortified if my supervisor or HR shared my personal information with the team. They are not your friends, or your support system. They are your boss and HR, and their job is to administer your benefits appropriately. Sheesh. I think you are waaaaaassay overreacting. So that grief thing where they advise making no big decisions for 6 months. Take your time to deal with your loss.

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Ask for severance??? Sorry for your loss OP, you may need some therapy to deal with your loss.

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I highly suggest seeking counseling OP. You have suffered a loss and everyone copes with that differently. Take some deep breaths and try to recenter at work at least. HR respected your privacy, that's nothing to quit over.

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And certainly nothing a company would pay severance for

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I lost a close family member earlier this year. My supervisor let HR know because of the bereavement leave situation. HR sent flowers on behalf of the org and my supervisor sent me a grubhub giftcard so I’d hopefully remember to eat. I told a few coworkers I was close to and they sent things separately. I would not have wanted or expected HR to broadcast my personal business to all of my colleagues. OP, it’s normal to feel angry following a death as you’re looking for someone to blame for the pain you’re feeling inside. I’d encourage you to try grief counseling. Your company didn’t act unreasonably and it’s certainly not a cause for severance.

likehelpful

This is how it should be done, with tact, empathy and class. I think what OP is asking is to be treated as a person and human and not just as a worker bee.

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I don’t think it’s technically legal for your manager and HR to have told anyone.

Did you specifically ask them to share this news with your peers?

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They asked me if I was comfortable with the information being shared and I gave permission. Everyone already knew that they were not well. It was not a privacy violation to me for the information to be shared and they did ask before sharing anything so nothing inappropriate was done. It was nice to receive condolences from my friends.

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So you’re upset that nobody signed a card or asked how you are doing? Sure, it would be nice for your coworkers to reach out but it’s not a requirement of employment. Nobody violated any legitimate policy. If your feelings are hurt because your manager and coworkers aren’t as empathetic as you would like and you don’t want to work with people that lack what you feel is the right amount of concern and empathy, then find a new job. But that’s your decision. The company doesn’t owe you severance over that.

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My father died recently and most of my friends didn't bother calling or checking in. imagine people from work

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Very sorry for your loss. Hopefully given enough time you’ll find peace. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

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I’m very sorry for your loss. I understand everything that you mentioned, but you just experienced the loss of a loved one. Please don’t make a big decision ( quitting your job) unless you have had time to think about it and have a back up plan. I don’t know what your company culture is but some companies don’t share personal matters such as death of loved one or even the birth of a child with colleagues.

If you need time to grief take time off to deal with your loss and emotions. Also, the company is not gonna give you severance pay because you decided to leave.

Sending positive vibes and peace.

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I’m sorry for your for loss, but neither your manager or HR should be telling coworkers about your news unless you asked them to.

A card or flowers from them would be a thoughtful thing to do but should not be expected as something every employee gets in this situation.

The best thing a manager/HR can do is ensure that you can step away and be with your family during this difficult time without work interruptions. Sounds like they did that.

I believe this approach is pretty typical in f
most organizations of western countries.

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