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McKinsey & Company Bain & Company Hey everyone -
Not the exact right bowl, but looking for advice/referrals for a close family friend trying to break into ESG/climate change/sustainability consulting.
They have ~7 YOE in finance (mostly junk debt, some S&T) and 20 YOE in development banking at an IGO (think World Bank, doing everything from public debt offerings, infrastructure, etc. all w heavy ESG/compliance requirements).
Thanks for the help!
Boston Consulting Group Bain & Company EY EY-Parthenon McKinsey & Company
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Rising Star
Not African but you are entitled to happiness and anyone in your life (including parents) who does not contribute to that deserves less of an opportunity to ruin it.
African 🐠 here. Different experience for me. Some things are definitely cultural (my mother seeing great value in education, expecting financial support from her kids, expecting to be right 99% of the time because she’s the parent, etc.), but she remains very loving and supportive overall. It takes time, communication (which not all parents are open to), patience and some letting go.
She periodically sighs and says we (her kids) are westernized. It is what it is. I try to balance out taking care of myself and taking care of her + respecting our culture while being true to myself. We’re not perfect but we do our best.
It’s tough sometimes because many African cultures (at least in West Africa) tend to idealize parents and/or give them unlimited authority due to the fact that parenthood is viewed as sacred. If your parents only provide negativity, you can try talking to them (which you may already have done) and taking some space. They may bot be 100% happy with it at first but hopefully they’ll get there and your dynamic can evolve in a healthier way. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself and preserve your mental health.
Many african cultures that rule their children with an iron fist were NOT like this precolonization. As a Nigerian reading up on precolonial cultures , these toxic behaviors were instilled in the culture through abusive missionaries. Children were highly respected. It is important that we learn to tease apart modern african cultures and traditional african culture untainted by colonization.
Enthusiast
Yeah, it’s tough. I don’t think my mom will ever be proud of me despite how much money I make bc I decided not to go to medical school.
I’m late, but I can relate. I recently got a promotion and I told my mom and she got mad at me for not pursuing medicine. I was planning on telling my dad but before I could even bring it up he sat me down to tell me how I’m a disappointment and if I had gone to grad school right out of undergrad, I’d have my masters already and how I’m behind all my peers (I’m 22, started full time at 21). I just feel like at this point they will never be proud so I think I’m just gonna do whatever I want.
Decided to stop speaking to my Nig mum. Too much headache. My dad, grandmum, and aunt keep telling me to “forgive and forget as a good Christian”. Nah my mental health cant take it. Only reason I haven’t stopped speaking to my dad is cuz he paid my school fees (undergrad and law school) and I feel kind of indebted to him.
OP if possible limit your interaction but be cordial when you see them. They have very different mindsets.
Limiting communication with them can definitely make some changes. I also cut ties for a few months and would just reiterate that you hurt me and punished me for existing, six months of no talks and a family crisis and they are more tolerant. I'm no longer guilt tripped to move back home and clean up after my lazy siblings
Community Builder
Try to remember our parents can only show love how they received it growing up. They are who they are based on how they were raised. Often stubborn and may never change but breaking old habits are hard. Luckily only one of my parents are this way but i know the feeling.
Surround yourself with who you love. You parents lived their lives and its only fair you live yours. Stay in touch with them as long as you can maintain your mental health. Life’s too short to live someone else’s life but its also too short to cut off ties with family members.
Life is too long to not cut off any party that's toxic and doesn't legitimately serve you well in endeavors to thrive / prosper.
Africans parents and grandparents are traumatized people and operate from that trauma and pain. Colonization truly impacted the way they were raised and how the countries were ran so I try to have compassion from that standpoint while also putting strong boundaries.
And I’m 36F Nigerian, Single and no kids. Check that 🥳. There are no more prayers leftover.
Enthusiast
A2...You know you could make partner by 27 and your mum would still say “where is the baby and husband” you need to pray for a husband💕💕💕😂😂😂 BUT you know your mum is incredibly proud of you and low key thinks you are BADASS
Sometimes we fail to see the intersection of our generation and our parents generation. We were brought up after colonization and most of our parents were brought up during a period where whitewashing of our cultures and traditions was happening. I believe this subject is deeper than we see it and requires reflection. There are toxic parents yes. There are greedy parents, yes. We are too far removed from how our parents view the world. They value family more than we do and that is because of the time we live in now. I would suggest having a middle ground of understanding with them. Having spent all my childhood in Africa and now living in the west, it has taken years to understand where the disconnect is and I still to this day try to learn. I do get along great with my parents who are back in Africa despite the repeated reminders to get children. We understand each other and they know children will come, I just have a few things to do before that happens and they are cool with it.
Every Nigerian here with parent back home all experience the same issue...it’s more of a cultural issue..and not just parent, siblings included...this entitlement mentality of what is yours is mine..it’s crazy..all I do is send whatever I can home on a frequent basis(which is never enough of course) and that’s it..I don’t pick calls and I don’t respond to social media messages...lol
Pro
So my parents are divorced. My dad does not expect what’s mines to be his. He’s very helpful with advice about savings etc. However, my mother is the issue and reasons for my stress. Constantly asking for money. I cannot stand it at all. But then had the audacity to tell me to get more degrees 🙃
Enthusiast
No African or Caribbean mother REALLY understands boundaries or the concept of personal space in terms of their kids...It is stressful but done with love... there is always palm wine🤣🤣🤣
Nigerian here too. My parents are visiting and helping my sister with her baby and staying for 3 months. Anytime I go to visit them at my sisters.....I ask ‘how can you cope with them here for 3 months’?
Anyways maybe my sister and I are also very different. She accepts a lot of bs I can’t tolerate hence why I can’t be in the same house with them for 3 months. They will drive me insane! I still dislike the kitchen because I think they traumatized me with cooking growing up in Nigeria. I’m just grateful for the freedom I have now and how I can control how much I need to see or talk to them. Doesn’t mean I don’t love them like crazy. I just need my sanity in order.
Enthusiast
🤗 PWC1
Thank you fam for all your replies. When I posted this thought I hoped I wouldn’t be the only one. It’s really hard to explain.
Enthusiast
Nope and think we all needed to vent🤣🤣🤣
Enthusiast
Your post could also be called “How I sent 0-25 but YES