{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Any sole income earners here? My husband is an actor and I bring in about 99% of what we live on. He gives some token money for rent. I married him completely 100% knowing this would be the case.\n\nWhat I'm struggling with is validating him. He wants to know how much he should be earning but anytime I say well it would help if you paid this bill or this bill he basically doesn't have the money to do it and then gets down on himself. Then I have to spend hours telling him its OK I got it, chill.", "post_id": "601773cc67ef2d002a81fb33", "reply_count": 8, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

Any sole income earners here? My husband is an actor and I bring in about 99% of what we live on. He gives some token money for rent. I married him completely 100% knowing this would be the case. What I'm struggling with is validating him. He wants to know how much he should be earning but anytime I say well it would help if you paid this bill or this bill he basically doesn't have the money to do it and then gets down on himself. Then I have to spend hours telling him its OK I got it, chill.

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Can you reframe in terms of other things he can contribute - time for household chores, picking up groceries, etc. Time is more valuable then more cash sometimes.

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Thoughts on redirecting the conversation to be around him setting goals for himself? E.g. increase household contribution by x% in the next x time period?

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I'm a solo income earner - my husband is a house husband. He takes care of me, the house, the dogs, the yard, etc. and I bring in the cash. It works well for us, and because we both have a clear role, we don't have conversations like the one you described. Maybe that's the conversation you should have - what is each of your roles, responsibilities, expected contributions, etc. for your relationship? It's obviously not helpful to be in a cycle of "what should I pay for - pay these things - I don't have the money, so I'm upset - it's ok, we are doing just fine financially - the next month, what should I pay for", so I'd change the conversation.

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Having gone from a husband who earned x5 my pay to no husband, I would have gladly still had my husband with zero pay. Yes, extra money makes life easier/more interesting, but it is not the main meter of self-worth. Maybe this is somehow helpful to hear.

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All good advice. We struggle with cleaning division (he's a bit of a slob) but maybe framing things in how he does/can help out with other aspects will help.

Instead of bills to pay you can try outlining specific cleaning tasks, & clarify what those entail to set him up for success (like pick up laundry on the floor, wash dishes, wipe countertops every day, vacuum/dust/scrub toilets x times a week) sometimes it helps having a weekly To-Do list so he can see the responsibilities listed out, & also feel a sense of accomplishment when he knows his contributions add up like that. He may not realize all the other ways he can help contribute in a big way to the household.

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