Any suggestions on how I can learn to be more assertive be it at work or personal life. I feel I am a huge people pleaser and go out of my way to be nice to people and make them feel good about themselves. People usually treat me like an afterthought but these same people come to me with all their problems and expect me to help solve them. I feel like a huge pushover sometimes. Any advice is appreciated.

likesmart
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I think before I say what I’m going to advise, it’s important to remember as a woman in business you will always have stigma association regardless of what you do. If you’re helpful people treat you like a pushover. If yo assertive they will say you’re unhelpful. But finding the balance is about making you feel comfortable, not them. I had this problem when I first started in management and it was a two part resolution.

One part being I had to set boundaries with people and reinforce them. Boundaries are hard work but they’re a great investment. So now when people come to me with things they should know or have asked me multiple times, I make them talk through the critical thinking process until they find the answer. If you reinforce this, eventually they will stop because you’re no longer making it easy for them to monopolize your time.

The other part being setting boundaries with myself and enforcing them. This was even harder. I am a workaholic and have always piled on too much. What ultimately helped me was applying The Spoons Method. Say you have 100 bowls and each bowl is a problem that pops up throughout the day. You only have 30 spoons to put in the bowls. So now you have to ask yourself is this bowl worth one of my spoons? Deciding where I was and was not willing to direct my energy has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve learned to do in my entire life.

Finding supportive females in your industry is also incredibly uplifting!

likeupliftinghelpful

Thanks to both of you!

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It's a part of growing up as a woman. We’re taught to be people leaders, and it's hard to get rid of this pattern.
I work with several women-leaders and they all had good results from doing boxing/martial arts.
The trick is not trying to be more assertive, don't change yourself if you are not comfortable with the change, cause you’ll always have passive aggression in your sleeve :)
The trick is that boys and men are taught since their childhood how to manage their aggression and what level of aggression is healthy. And as girls we’re pretty much all or nothing, first we keep quiet and then we blow up.
Martial arts help to learn your body reactions to aggression and how to maintain it at a healthy level. You can then extrapolate the skill from body into brains

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DAL1, try it. At my experience it works because women’s aggression management skills are poor, and it’s easier to learn something through your body first. So if they scale, let’s say 1-10, where 10 is perfect aggression management skills when you can destroy people with your words said in the right moment, typical woman is at 3-4, enough to survive. Martial arts can take you to 6. Then you have to work with both sides as its harder to move in further.

likeuplifting

Cry your tears in POWER my friend. Vulnerability and empathy are not weaknesses, they are strengths. And when you get a minute watch old episodes of the Mary Tyler Moore show from the 70s(?) she’s an OG #Ladyboss and cries in about half the episodes but she built a multi million dollar empire. As Bob Marley says “No Woman No Cry” it doesn’t mean ‘don’t cry’ it speaks to our humanity. As for general assertiveness, watch Hannah Gadsby’s TED Talk “3 Contradictions” it’s about not feeling qualified to speak your own truth and how she overcame this. Read Susan Cain’s book Quiet The Power of Introverts”. Treat your empathy like the superpower it is.

likeupliftinghelpful

Love your suggestions! I’m also going to look into them!!! Thank you 🙏

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I commend your self awareness of how you’re showing up in your relationships. Seems you are concerned enough to desire change which is the first step in the direction you want to go. The people pleasing you and the enlightened you can begin by having a conversation. Just be curious and ask questions. Ask yourself I wonder what that people pleasing side of me is about. Wait for the answer to surface. When that happens get to the root of what you’re believing about yourself. I have a super strategy for beginning to pull those weeds and plant a fresh new way of being. If you need help reach out.

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This book helped me to set boundaries with others to protect my mental health: ‘When I Say No, I Feel Guilty’ https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553263900/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_xWp7Eb0P7K4P9

likehelpful

Thank you for sharing!

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Hi, typically what’s going on is you have some self limiting beliefs and leaky boundaries. I work with professional females to fix their work relationships so they can focus on their careered rather than struggling with their peers. We start with self development around beliefs, boundaries and buttons (triggers). I have a 5 day complimentary challenge coming soon, but you can also access both my belief and boundary assessments and workbooks for free at fix8ion.com. This area of work is my passion, mission, hobby and identity because I believe everyone should be treated well at work and with the right focus can make their work relationships work.

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If you asked about my complimentary challenge can you please send me your info again? I can’t find it.

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