Any tips on healing from abuse as a child? I’ve tried therapists but none have worked out yet. Feel guilt and anger all the time. My relationships are taking a hit too. I don’t know what to do.

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Im sorry that you're going through this. It really sucks. Some things to think about (worked for me):

1 - do you still have to face your abuser? Do people on your family/close friends know about it?
2 - has your abuser been punished? Did they (or will they hurt anyone else?
3 - is the abuse ongoing?
4 - what triggers do you experience? Loud noises, people talking about their families in a positive way, etc?
5 - what small things in your life can you take control of? How can you take control of specific aspects of dating/relationships/forming trust?

No need to answer these here if you're not comfortable, but for me, I was able to make peace knowing my abuser was punished, cannot abuse again (he passed away) and I don't face ongoing abuse anymore. That helped me put it in the past. If your abuse is still ongoing, it can be challenging to put it behind you. Try to get out of it if you can, and seek help. Don't stop if someone doesn't believe you. Keep asking for help.

Even if the abuse is in the past, it can still creep into your life through triggers. For me, it was people talking about spending time with their families during holidays and feeling awkward when people would ask about my parents. I felt like everyone could see my abuse on my face. I took time to think about this trigger and flip the story. Rather than feeling compelled to tell them my family isn't a part of my life, I chose to focus on what my plans were. I controlled the narrative and what I chose to share. A lot of the pain of abuse comes from feeling powerless. Seek ways to control what you can and let go /avoid what you can't.

On building trust: it can really help to share you story with a close friend or family member. Talk about the challenges you face even today. When you're dating, pick the place, pick the time, make it clear you want to go slower, faster, etc. You don't owe anyone else anything. You are in control of your life.

I'm happy to chat further if you like. I also recommend continuing the tough path of finding a therapist that works for you. It can be tricky. Good luck, and I hope you find happiness and joy in your life wherever you can.

likeupliftinghelpful

This is so helpful.
I don’t have to face my abuser. But I keep getting reminded of it as my sister went through abuse as well and she blames me for not protecting her. I can’t forget my past because no matter I’ve done for her she just brings the fact I couldn’t support her over and over again. It reminds me of my past. And the circle goes all over again.
I’ve no ideas where or who my abused was. I was 6 years old and I can remember what happened. But I can’t remember anything else. As inwho it was. I went through multiple abuses and I do remember few of them, but I can’t share them with my family. They’re weak and they won’t be able to support me.
I feel lonely because no one really knows what I’ve been through and I can’t share with anyone I trust.
I feel I can’t connect with anyone without sex. Somehow I feel I’m hypersexualized due to the whole situation. And I’ve tried to be single for past 2 years so that I can separate my feelings from physical intimacy but it’s making me lonely. And I need to control how I’m feeling.

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Finding the right Therapist takes time but is a game changer. One insight that really hit home for me: Focusing on the past gives your abusers power over your future; why give them free rent in your head? It happened. It isn't your fault; abuse is the fault of the person who did it. Learn how to give limited basic trust, and get great at learning people and how to spot red flags - then you can deepen trust with worthy individuals.

Without therapy in the past, I would not have the happy relationships I have today. I hope you find someone who you can click with and that it helps.

likehelpful

EMDR therapy was the only kind of therapy that finally helped me feel “healed."

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How do you find a provider that does EMDR?

I had a very similar experience - know it happened, can't remember the details, had a couple other things happen that I couldn't turn to my family for support, went through a significant period of time of hypersexualization.

I never managed to find a therapist that I clicked with, but things did get (significantly!) better. Some of the things that I found helped me:
- Journaling out the stories I had about myself, about what happened to me, about why my life was going the way it was. I found that seeing the stories written out made it a lot easier to see the flaws and kinks in the way I was approaching things, and let me start challenging and changing those stories
- Sloooooowly working up the capacity for setting boundaries. Just small stuff at first like saying no to their choice of restaurant and choosing a different one instead. The first time I went home with a guy and changed my mind and left was a big deal. The first time I stopped in the middle of hooking up and changed my mind was huuge.
- Worked on accepting that it was a thing that happened, that it wasn't a problem I could fix, and that aftershocks would bubble up in unexpected ways from time to time. Just sort of riding the waves instead of stopping them.

I don't think there's any perfect way to heal - alone, in the arms others, with friends. I think it's just a question of, any time you get the chance, wrapping your arms around yourself and choosing kindness, switching a single negative thought into a positive one, changing each interaction slightly for the better - it builds up.

likehelpful

The Body Keeps Score is a good book on PTSD. Reading and joining a women’s group counseling really helped me. Sounds like your sister is misplacing blame and needs to adjust or forgive. You might want to consider taking a break from contact with her until she learns that holding both your childhoods over your head is not ok. She may not move on, but you need to forgive yourself.

I’m sorry an adult didn’t step in.

You could volunteer as a youth advocate or at a women’s shelter. Can’t fix the past, but you can be the person now who makes a difference in another young person’s life. Communicate that to your sister as well, ask if she’d be interested in doing that with you. May give you both some closure.

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