{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Any women on here make significantly more than their (male) SO? I’m trying to be a good millennial and not tie my happiness to gender norms but every few months I get upset (cont)..", "post_id": "5e54164c308f3b0029b0066d", "reply_count": 153, "vote_count": 18, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting" }

Any women on here make significantly more than their (male) SO? I’m trying to be a good millennial and not tie my happiness to gender norms but every few months I get upset (cont)..

likefunny
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Like others have said, it depends on whether he works hard, and how he supports you in other ways. Some professions (especially the social services, teaching, non-profits or something that helps/protects the greater good) tend to have a very low ceiling and max earning potential, regardless of how long or how senior they are. We have to especially respect these people, as in my opinion they work just as hard (or harder) for far less all for helping others. My husband is one of them. He is in the military and serves his country. He spent many years supporting me as I stayed home with our son and went back to school. Now my first “real job” as a consultant I am already out earning him, despite his 12 yrs of service. I am damn proud of him and the sacrifice he makes for all of us. At this point I will always out earn him but I will always love him the same 💛

likeuplifting

My husband and I are both really ambitious and driven, but I will always make considerably more than him because of our chosen fields. Financial services vs firefighter. He’s constantly striving to better himself and working towards promotions when eligible but public service just doesn’t get similar compensation. Before my husband, I dated guys who just skated by or were content with living off of their parents money. Granted I was younger then, but those were destined to fail because I just couldn’t understand why they just didn’t care about their career as much as I did. Once I met my husband, I found what I needed in a relationship because we both encourage and support one another in our careers, and I don’t even think twice about the difference in salary - I’m happy to contribute more monetarily to the household because I can.

likeuplifting
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This sounds more like it’s related to ambition than salary. I make triple what my husband makes, but he’s in a completely different field without as much earning potential. He’s ambitious and works harder than I do, and the salary differences are not an issue for us. If he made less because he didn’t work hard or push himself, that may be different.

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Says who A4? For some men it might be, but absolutely not all, especially in the younger generation

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You all bring up a good point. Part of my confusion is that I conflate salary and ambition, which are two totally different things.

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

And which one worries you more - salary or ambition? Because they are two completely different topics. With salary, if you are the main breadwinner that may mean less options to take a step back if/when you have kids but it may also mean he is more willing to step into that role With ambition, is he hardworking but simply happy with what he does? My husband is this way - and I find it to be a really healthy balance for me to be reminded that life is not all about work. Low ambition but good attitude can work really well - it’s when it feels like he’s lazy that resentment brews. Happy to chat about the practicalities of how we handle financials etc if you are interested?

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There are lots of ways to measure life success - money is one. You’ll have to decide what is most important to you in a significant other. My GF made more than me for most of our lives (pretty much until a made Partner) and now we’re roughly even. Glad she judged me on how much I love healthcare and consulting and my commitment to my future kids rather than my salary - or I would have lost out to much more successful guys.

likeupliftingsmart

I totally agree. Most people from this bowl are from the US. Culturally, Americans are very focused on work and their careers (even more so when you take folks who work in consulting). That said, there are many other lenses through which you can see someone else (e.g. character, kindness, creativity, intellectual curiosity). You have to figure your personal preference in terms of must haves and nice to haves

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When I feel like he’s not pushing himself as hard as I do. I’m an extremely high achiever and have been making huge career leaps in salary and job title but he’s a late bloomer when it comes to career. Am I being ridiculous or is this a feeling I should address before we get too serious?

likefunnysmarthelpful

@newco1 thank you for this perspective - I am giving him the time and space he needs to figure it out, I just have to set a time limit for myself too. If he needs 5 years, then I should move on. But if he needs 5 months, I’m A-ok with supporting him and doing whatever it takes to help. I guess its a matter of time and willingness to demonstrate that he does want the same general trajectory in life, that our definition of success is the same at the end of the day

Yeah I do, he’s a medical resident and going to become a family doctor. I will make more than him forever. My ex was a social worker and I made almost triple his salary. It never even came up in both relationships. They’re both incredibly hard working and smart men who contribute to society every day. I feel proud introducing him (as I did my ex) to my coworkers because I feel like both his and my ex’s jobs are more important and impactful than mine.

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Why do you say that? I’m well on my way and ahead of plan.

JFC! You're a management consultant 😂😂. You don't save lives, you don't shape up the future generations, you don't try to make the world a more just place, you add absolutely zero value to society and yet you make obscene amounts of money that don't justify at all your value add to this world. It's good to be ambitious and derive pleasure from being good but chill a little and realize that there's more to life than decks and RFPS and conference calls with India. It's important that you share the same values and he's not mooching off you but I don't see how him making less or working the right amount in order to be happy and have a fullfiling life is a problem.

likeuplifting

Amen

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I know this is unrelated to the topic, but I’m genuinely happy to see so many women thriving in their careers.

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A7 thank you for your valuable input.

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A lot of ex’s have made more than me but also had more leverage from their families. Women want equality but then get upset when they actually had more advantages than male counterparts who aren’t as fortunate. Am I unambitious or exhausted from all the hurdles in life just to get to this point?

likesmartfunny

Tldr

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I make significantly more than my boyfriend now (130k Vs 0... he’s in commercial real estate just starting, so was making 20$ an hour and is now making 0$ and commission only, no sales yet AND 7 years older than me). But he is extremely ambitious and is working his ass off to make something of himself. Yeah, it sucks that I usually pay for dinners and honestly most things BUT I know that our goals align, and he’s working hard to get to a place where he can pay for all the dinners in the future :). So even though it’s hard I would say that as long as he’s the type of person to work hard and make something happen for himself, even If u make more now, things will likely line up in the future. I don’t mind waiting for him to catch up :)

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He is so lucky to have you and to me you are a definition of a strong yet loving woman ❤️

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IDK - I was concerned for a while that my husband doesn't make as much as I do, but after some time I realized that he is happy where he is, he's making decent money and I make crazy money, so whatever we're both doing fine, and he's a great support for me to fly. If we were both pushing as hard as I am, one of us would have to give up dreams, or wouldn't be as successful, or would fight more. Never thought this would be the solution for me when I was growing up or even in my early 20s, but being 30, my perspective has shifted. Something to consider.

likeuplifting

I'll provide my perspective. Male here. Used to make $170k in consulting. Wife makes a little over $100k, in a totally different field. After months of soul searching, talking, and working through different financial models, I left consulting to be a primarily stay-at-home-parent, who does some part time jobs. I now net about $1.5k a month. Life has been great. I should add here though that throughout our working lives, we have been very big savers and our living expenses are all covered by wife's paycheck, with room to spare (save/invest/vacation/toys - within reason). I feel privileged that we live in a world where stigmas such as the male earning less is not, well, a stigma, anymore.

likeuplifting

Address it now. If it bugs you now, it’ll always bug you, and if you take the relationship to the next level (marriage, kids) it could become an irreconcilable difference. Find someone who’s earning potential is something you can live with (and this threshold / level is a very personal choice - especially if we’re talking making more or less than you).

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I'm the ambitious one in my relationship, and I'd even just consider myself averagely ambitious. When my now-wife and I first started dating, she was making about 35% more than I was. I now make about 50% more than she does and that gap is only going to grow (she's a public school teacher). I have no desire to make partner, though, and want to exit in the next 3-5 years to a role that gets me a good income and good WLB. I think there is nothing inherently wrong with one partner having lower ambition than the other, as long as both openly discuss it and are fine with that status quo. Plenty of people are motivated by things other than climbing the ladder and raking in the dough. Nothing wrong with it, just depends on what you're specifically looking for in your SO.

likefunny

Anecdotally speaking, a college friend of mine was a SWE at Facebook and worked his way up to around $700k TC on the west coast. Loved his work, but then decided to be a stay at home dad when his wife had twins. They moved away from the west coast and he's now been a stay at home dad for about 4 years. When we last spoke a couple of months ago, he said he wouldn't change it for anything and that he feels way more rewarded and fulfilled now than he did during the decade he was at Facebook. Different strokes for different folks.

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Yeah, you should. Also, maybe he has different expectations and priorities on what a job factor a job plays into his life. There are people who feel perfectly content with an average job because they find pleasure in other things in life. Is this someone you want to be with? That’s your call, girlfriend.

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As a M, I actually find myself considering the same things you do when it comes to dating. Money isn't everything... but if you're bringing in 80% of the money long term, how is that a basis for an equal partnership?

likesmart

Old habits die hard. A man is told and taught to provide. Or he feels useless. This is what we are taught. The difference in your example is that it takes over 15 years minimum for a doctor to finally make this kind of money. The guy making 125k steadily from age 30 was the the one that paid for everything while the doctor was studying. Open Excel and add 2 columns. Left add the net salary over 20 years, right, add the debt and loans of the Doctor and the small student salary, do the total. Who enabled that doctor career to reach its peak and who contributed the most overall in the first place. We should not marry for money. But money is always a problem. The rule I follow now is all money from salary goes into a same bank account. That way, there is no hiding. We live together, we pay together, we are one. Love doesn’t not care about money. Stereotypes do.

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I hate to say it, but some of y'all are dating grifters.

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@sc5 Tutor 1h per week + 2 hours extra weekly homework (homework is given by the tutor but done at home with parents helping) From year 4 (primary school) Make sure a lot of books are read and encourage reading from super early age No gaming or screen time until almost year 5 or after if you can be that strict If you are from minority background, sometimes u can get in good schools on quotas although not sure it is like that in the US. Same for Religious quotas. Make sure u go to church if the school u target is church associated. Do the research wrt catchment area and try to move near a school. Secondary school choice is more important than primary school BUT primary school is also key in order to reach the good secondary school so well ... tricky Or go full private schools but u may end up in super white Caucasian elitist ones or super mega academic (Asian are VERY academic) So the balance is down to you. Do you want a mixed, teaching life skills and compassion while maintaining a good academic skill level ? And offer a real balanced life, while staying street wise ish so your kids feel normal Or total isolation and elitist Your kids. Your choice

I kinda broke up with my college BF for lack of ambition. I felt like he was lacking ambition in getting himself to his goals. One thing would go wrong and he’d kinda go into an apathetic slump and complain about his situation instead of doing things to make his situation better. He didn’t do great on the MCAT, barely studied & took it again and did worse the second time. I told him he should seek out internships, connected him with my friends in the medical field, offered to talk through backup options, etc. In the end what got to me was not his failure in getting the score he wanted, but rather that he 1) was not pushing himself in other areas to make up for the lackluster score and 2) not taking up the help I offered, but rather ignored it and would complain. The reality of it was we were 22 and had 0 responsibilities as students and he gave up; but I was thinking long term and more so questioned what his ability to overcome real life failures would be like (could he get himself out of a slump if something bad happened in the family, to me, at his work, etc). Fast forward about 4 years - I’m with someone who is super type A and honestly overly ambitious and sometimes it’s overwhelming but he pushes me out of my comfort zone and is on a mission to make me the best version of myself that I can be in every aspect of my life.

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Possibly, tried being patient for a year while he figured stuff out, but I think I started to realize that we had different life priorities for the long term (age to settle down, have kids, etc), so I had to make the call to pull the plug.

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I do. As a working mom, the biggest cause for resentment here is being the primary breadwinner and also in charge of everything at home. My husband does a lot more than many men, but it still gets frustrating at times. A lot to my friends deal with this too. (And honestly not sure how much less annoying it would be if he made more $ than I do.)

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Yeah I understand. I meant it more on te context of “more than other guys” doesn’t mean enough. I divide all chores equally with my husband, that’s the only thing I feel as fair.

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