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Get him help immediately, look for rehab centers. After rehab he needs to stay away from any situation or setting that might involve alcohol. Much easier said than done, it's going to be a challenge. I had a friend drink himself to death at 32.
Don't have much of a choice when it's your spouse. We've been together 10 years, married for more than half that. It's devastating. He left his drinking buddies a while back and prefers now to drink in secret by himself. Guessing there is a huge element of shame and helplessness so at least I know he's not frequenting bars etc. But your story gave me hope both in the fact that you know someone who overcame it and two, people who really care and will step forward to help. It's been a very isolating and lonely experience and the lack of resources and support groups from a Muslim perspective is very upsetting too. There's no muslim oriented support groups or rehab or literature around it. There's no non judgy therapist we've found so far that can understand both and handle it. But more specifically, haven't found anyone who will genuinely take out the time to staying committed as a friend. Checking in. Making plans. Etc.
As C1 rightfully said, been needing some time myself to heal and grieve but being the only primary support for husband, it's been impossible. I wish so much he had the kind of friends who would check in on him even for a few hours I could go and focus on myself. No luck so far.
Thank you both for advice and some optomism. Much needed.
OP, friend did the same after his father passed.
His father was fairly religious and was very sick and in pain towards the end, my friends thought process became, why would God allow someone like him (religious person) to be in such pain.
As he got older he began to drink more and more heavily, chased girls, smoked and so on.
Rehab definitely (if he's willing), but the other thing that my friend told us was helpful, was simply being around.
As D1 mentioned, he needs to stay away from situations where he can fall back into it. Myself and some other mutual friends didn't drink etc, so we all took turns hanging out with him and basically being available when he needed.
While he didn't completely sober up at first, he did cut back a lot and started to get his life back on track (attending jummah, performing better at work etc).
He eventually met a girl, sobered up, got married and had a kid (and became happy again).
This was all over several years, he got better and worse at times but in the end found his way out Al hamdulillah.
Along with the alcoholism (and the death of his father) came depression which is another battle on it's own, sober or not.
OP please take care of yourself and consider seeing a therapist. You can't change someone if they don't want it themselves. Be loving, be around, but keep yourself mentally and emotionally healthy too. You are a better source of support if you are feeling centered yourself
Yes - it's tough but can be overcome if they are willing to put in the effort and have a good support system in place (friends/family to keep them preoccupied with other things).
He's tried outpatient rehab twice and drops out because finds the program very Caucasian /Christian focused. As far as friends, we just moved here two years ago so have no friends on the area. And the ones we do are not the kind to take a personal interest and engage with him everyday, though that literally might save his life. I don't know how much else I can occupy him, it's exhausting and tiring. I'm terrified of stories I hear of early deaths in alcohol related situations and it gives me nightmares.
Think alot of his drinking stems from the same, can't believe his mom would die young and feels it was unjust. Can't get him to commit to seeing a counselor.
Just exhaust at this point between work and him..
I hear you, it's not easy. He moved out of state for a couple years for work at one point so we weren't in touch as often for a while.
He did call a while after moving and asked me to visit, luckily I had the PTO, so I took a week off and hung out with him. Unfortunately some of that time was spent in bars, but we talked about and he says he would try and cut back (again).
One thing I noticed was that it was much easier for him to find friends to drink with than others to do non drinking things with. Even if he didn't have friend available to go to a bar, he'd go and make new friends there cause he was sociable.
It's even harder if it seems like you're the only one trying to lookout for him. If you really care about him, you'll keep trying as much as you're able to (in my opinion)... Might even save his life.
I admit that I got tired of it at one point and told a mutual friend that I didn't care if he didn't sober up anymore... But that feeling was short lived cause he was a close friend. It's tough watching someone you care about throw (or drink) their life away.
OP, absolutely take care of yourself. C1's advice is spot on, didn't pick up on this being your spouse earlier (sorry it's so close to home for you).
My friend was surrounded by family and friends who wanted to help and be there for him which made it easier... It's gotta be hard being the only one trying to help.
He didn't really get any help from the Muslim community either, not always a lot of resources there as you mentioned. He attended regular AA meetings, which he admitted helped (after a while).
He also found other ways to occupy his time outside of work and happy hours, he took up boxing/martial arts and started learning to play guitar.
Best of luck
Yes I didn't realize he is your spouse. Maybe your time is best spent planning fun activities that don't allow any time to drink? Depending on how you feel about it, bowling, rock climbing, hiking, camping, paint nite events, etc. If he doesn't drink around you, maybe it's even okay to go places where there is drinking going on, if you're together.
Also, people tend to feel better and act stronger when you lean on them emotionally too. Make sure to ask his advice on things with your work or friends or family. Something to help keep his mind from thoughts of only being a burden. This is what I use to distract some people from the worst of their depression, while we work on finding help.
Alhamdulillah never had this Devdas problem. I eat karhai when I’m stressed.
No support system and just lost his mom. I'm struggling and just need to know there's hope. How do I convince him he needs to put in the effort? What did you do to stay sane?