Anyone have an experience where their SO just couldnt get it together but still have a happy marriage?

Been dating my SO for 4 years, have a daughter who is turning one, and he still says he is not ready for marriage.

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Run! And why he didn’t introduce the child to his parents? I’m in a long term relationship, and we fly to see each other every week - it’s a 3 hour flight, (and we stay for a week or two). As above we made it financially a priority, and pandemic made it easier due to the remote work environment.

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The supports you are getting from this guy (monthly visit and child support), you will still get if you breakup with him. And it’s clear that he is not going to invest more if you continue this relationship. What do you have to lose? Move on with your life.

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I’ll be candid — this guy is a loser. Don’t be thankful he squeezes you and his child into his busy schedule once a month. He has no intention of marrying you. Time to cut your losses and move on. You and your child deserve better.

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Amen. To. that.

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Huh. Him visiting his own child once a month seems like a red flag. I don’t know what states you’re both in, but when my SO and I were long distance between NY and TX, we visited via plane every other weekend (used airline credit card miles and financially prioritized it). No kid involved. The fact that you had his child and he’s living in a different state at all is kind of dismaying. Then only visits once a month... Why would he take this job in another state without you even before the baby was in the picture?

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Run a background check on him

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Not ready for marriage but ready to co-parent a kid? At this point, unless he is a dead beat dad, he will be in your life in some capacity forever...so I don’t really understand what the hold up is. It makes me think he might be the type to not believe in marriage but has not yet come to terms with it. Guessing the kid was an accident. Is he a good dad?

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Dump him. You know deep down he’s never going to be “marriage ready” or “good dad material”. Find someone you can truly build a life with and who will be a dad to your daughter. Good father figures are so important

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I think you need to move on and find someone who treats you better. It’ll be hard at first but trust me, it’ll be so worth it when you meet someone who fully commits to you and your child. In my mind, if you get married to him then he’ll probably have an affair again because based on what you wrote, he doesn’t seem too interested. I’ve been through this before (not with a child) but I feel SO much better with my new SO.

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Based on your explanation above if he only visits a month. This is the person he is and marriage won't change that. A person with the drive to be in your life - will be. I know it's hard to hear that but he's never gonna change or be ready. I would just let him know what you expect from his relationship and mention you notice he is not at the same place and want to just let him "do him" but maintain a healthy friendship for your daughters sake.
He will probably say your acting ridiculous at first cause he is comfortable with your arrangement and you haven't made him uncomfortable to the point where he needs to be bothered to man up and be present. But after he sees you are serious (with a few months of standing your ground and having respect for yourself for your daughters sake)
He will realize that you aren't playing games and that's when he'll need to make his own decisions. Just my advice based on growing up around all men. Don't feel obligated to take it but men will be nice complacent and not disrespectful in any situation where they aren't being asked to work hard AKA "THE CHASE" everyone always says.
I think you and your daughter deserve better than a man who shows up monthly to smile and pays into the membership. You deserve someone who actively contributes as you do the same daily without being asked.

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I would want to understand why he’s not ready

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Yah, how about you move out there for a couple months atleast. If he starts throwing a fit, move on.

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Have you met his parents?

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Good question, Maybe the parents don’t even know her or the child even exist.

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You already know you need to kick the relationship to the curb. If you aren't strong enough to do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You both deserve better.

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I dated my husband for five years. Never pressured him to get married. One day he said “I’ve been thinking, we should get married”. We went to a justice of the peace that week. We’ve been married for 35 years.

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Well everyone wants different thing and every relationship can be different; if she is concerned about the future, and he really cares about her, he should try to ease her concerns. But that's just my opinion

Don’t get hung up on the little nice things he does and your familiarity with him. Just because you have a child and he knows you and you feel comfortable doesn’t mean you need to be in a long term relationship with him. It sounds like you are already invested in this relationship and he is holding you out at arms length. He’s not going to commit and you shouldn’t wait or hope for him. Continue to have him spend time with your child that is important but otherwise I would cut off any further romantic relationship with him. When you are ready start dating again. That’s my 2 cents

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Read “he’s just not that into you.” If it speaks to you, it’s time to move on.

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Mind, he got a job in a different state before we found out and planned to be there for 2 years.

I don’t know I think there may be something else going on BUT I will say that we are delaying marriage for financial and tax reasons but we are engaged.... but have no intention of setting a date any time soon because we aren’t in a rush.

If you have the upper hand financially I guess. Who determines Rush? Recent woman I admire was in a long term relationship waiting for the “ring”, she finally bought herself a gorgeous diamond, booked the wedding date for October. Said we will get married in 2 weeks civil service. Party in October. If you say no, then I’m still having my own party. He said YES. I love you. Done.
If you haven’t met this person’s family. Then move on quickly. They should know they have a grandchild. You are too smart to wait. Just say Next. You can dm me

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