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Hi Guys,
I am serving notice period and actively looking for refferal in some reputed organization.
My Tech: C# Dot Net
YOE: 3 Years
Any help is greatly appreciated. TIA
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You need to let them live their life (however unhealthy it is) and the consequences. I know hard and you are likely a problem solver. As most of us are. But trying to control them is difficult and will prove to be frustrating
True, we don’t control, but the consequences are not just individually faced. They impact the family
Rising Star
You’re describing a wing of my family.
The answer is nothing. You can’t do anything.
If you are wheezing walking up your driveway, it won’t actually be covid that kills you.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Just know that you are not alone. I went through something like this with my mom. Healthy, active teacher for 40 years walked 5 miles a day but aging got the best of her decision making skills and ability to eat appropriately while on meds. I am very practical. Therefore, I will give you a few tips to help.
I began to participate and add tax free dollars to my FSA card through my job. I added the FSA card to my moms Walgreens account in order to pay for all of her prescriptions. I used the card to pay for out of pocket expenses like diabetic supplies which resolved some of her anxiety.
I created a savings account with my brother to save money for future medical support. I would advise that you stay connected and attend doctor visits if possible. These things tend to escalate and they will need your love and support. I stayed up to date with family and friends and researched advances in treatment. My mom and siblings greatly appreciated this approach.
Other than gently nudging them towards professional help, there's not much you can do but try to be supportive and encouraging of any things they try that are moves towards being healthier.
Also, depression often follows heart attacks even if the person never experienced it before. They might not know that's what's going on. It's especially hard to change when you feel hopeless. Sounds like therapy might be a tough sell for this person but could help
So we’ve tried educating but no interest in following the science or what health experts recommend, tried getting all the groceries but then they just go buy whatever they want like sweetest of ice creams (the healthy sugar free ish ones aren’t even good enough), I know I can’t control them because that never works so I try not to, considered therapy but they don’t believe in it and will never ever try any sort of counseling. Health is one aspect and the the crushing finances around it are the second. One of my parents is the one with the health concerns. And the other has to bear a good chunk of the expenses which to my absolute shock is over 1k/month and they don’t make that much. So in the long term, I’m also concerned the finances are 100% going to come down on me. So looking for advice around both aspects.
Chief
You can tell them straight up in one serious conversation how you feel and that you don’t want the impact of their bad decisions to fall on you. If you won’t be their backstop, tell them. Don’t judge how they got here or imply that they aren’t grownups making their own decisions just present the facts on how it impacts you and what you are willing to do.
After that, be kind but it cannot be your problem. You can’t fix people.
Rising Star
Education never worked for my parents. Couldn’t get them to eat healthy, meat is the biggest thing on the dinner plate, so much beer, smoking cigarettes, etc.
Parents decided on their own (years apart) to quit smoking. They’ve had the education for decades, just had to decide for themselves. Just recently, my parents got bikes to get out of the house. My mom— who hasn’t exercised in 10 years minus some slow walks here and there— is biking DAILY. Slow and steady!
Here’s how I see the life change happening (and some ideas):
1. They decide on their own they actually want to do it (potentially after hearing about someone close turning their life around? Look for inspo!)
2. They have a big medical scare and decide to do something about it
3. New Year’s Resolutions
4. Use Lent to establish new habits
5. You move in with them and take over cooking and encourage them to move around with you
6. Get them a new hobby like bicycling/ buy them new workout shoes/ new outfits
7. Start a family challenge/ encourage phone calls to be taken on a walk.
8. Offer to pay for a vacation after certain measurable health goals met?
9. Buy them a smart scale (it’s addictive with a weight line graph to show progress)
Help them understand that they’re not too deep. For medical debts, look into Dave Ramsey (never needed to personally but I’ve heard of so many amazing stories of impossible debt being paid in like 2 years). The more impossible it seems, the less likely they’ll be to do anything. For debts and health goals. Good luck!!
Chief
My father is like this, even more shocking is that he’s a doctor. The man drank two cans of Pepsi a day for decades. No amount of jokes (used to joke saying Pepsi was all that was running through his veins), lectures or begging helped, but getting him to switch to Le Croix sparkling water on a month long bet did. Try to replace things with a healthier alternative and if needed incentivize them to stick with it.
Try to educate them the best u can. A lot of ppl aren’t completely educated on bad food etc. Might seem like an easy concept but it’s not for ppl who grew up with different life style etc etc.
Read the book “Never split the difference” and start try to push them towards the Carnivore diet slowly. Don’t let them know you’re trying to, though.
Rising Star
I’m not advocating for it but the carnivore diet in this case, is basically an elimination diet. If someone has the willpower to do this diet, they’ll likely gain some form of benefit from that alone.
Pro
I went through this with my mother. It wasn’t something that I could fix or motivate her to do. She felt hopeless and helpless about her situation because it was so overwhelming. She thought god was punishing her. She began to make improvements after she started therapy. Please consider that your loved one may be dealing with underlying issues/beliefs that won’t allow them to simply willpower their way out of it.
True and there could totally be underlying issues. But they refuse to get therapy, so unfortunately not an option 🤷♂️ How did you convince your mom?
Pro
Not to derail, but this is a very important public health question too. These individuals are one of several key factors that contribute to the rising healthcare cost, but there is seemingly little that the government can do to impact individual level behavioral health.
Years ago we had an intervention for my father due to his alcoholism. The therapist that helped had us each write him letter that talked about how we were feeling and how his behavior was effecting us personally. For us, it got him to agree to go to rehab.
It might work in this scenario if they could hear how much you worry and care about them. Remind them of future events that you want them to be a part of.
Good luck!
And yes there is stuff you can absolutely do. When quarantine is over maybe you can cook a meal with healthier ingredients for them (if you live close by) and if they like it, let them know you used healthier ingredients after. Maybe try to let them know there are easy substitutions that can be made. I really think it’s ppl not knowing how bad certain things are or that small changes can make major improvement. I think it’s hard but you got this!!