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I make 40% more than my SO. We have been together for 5 years. I try to pay a little more for things that are my idea (vacations, weekend getaway). I constantly remind him that my salary is inflated because of a hot skill I have and once the market normalizes I won’t make this much anymore. I also invest my money in hopes that if one day I’ll need it so I can stay home after kids for a bit I’ll be able to at least offset my cost.
Talking about money is tough and awkward. I feel greedy and selfish sometimes. But I also want to set boundaries so he doesn’t get accustomed to my salary.
Personality is way more important than money. In the end you want someone who will treat you properly & fairly throughout life.
Great advice, K1. The best part about making more than my, now, husband was saving the difference in our salaries. After 2 years of marriage and 6 years of dating prior, we are happier than ever. It’s not about the money, it’s about being a team. Yes, you will have to share, but you can also play with one of your salaries if you do decide to spend the rest of your life together. As my salary has the larger bandwidth, we withhold more from his salary and save our refund annually. It’s is money you are not counting on, and a nice pad for savings.
Regardless of the situation, just make sure you save. It is amazing how you can position yourself after a few years.
Agreed with all the above sentiments.
Though I have to say, they (men) never think like this when they’re the breadwinner.
I come from a family of female breadwinners, when it wasn’t so likely to be one. I’ve been the higher and lower and now the same income level earner. Things change, life happens. If you’re both ambitious both individually, whatever your goals and however they may change over time, and together supporting each other on your paths in life, you’ve got someone to hang onto.
Let’s stop perpetuating this concern. It’s not a concern. It shouldn’t be a concern. If it is one, THAT is the concern.
I totally agree with above - make 2x what my husband does and just had our first child. I’m leaning towards staying home for a couple years, but he’s always known that’s a possibility. I think the important thing id add to this convo is the importance of being honest with yourself about your personal expectations for standard of living. I knew I was willing to live below our means until kids so that we could save more and afford a life we were accustomed to on less after kids. But if you have expensive taste you aren’t willing to give up, then you need to question all the elements in your equation! Not just the mans earning potential
My income passed my husband's about 11 years ago. When we met, we were making the same but there was very limited growth potential for his work and he knew it. Sometimes his ego is bruised. Now he has taken early retirement (voluntary) and keeping busy with other pursuits. He knows I love my job (most of the time) so he's glad to be enjoying life too. I don't talk about the money "I earned" because... It's ours. The work he does at home makes it so that I can focus on my job - without him and his support I couldn't do it. We have a lot more fun when we are together because we aren't tired and cranky from working all day and then coming home and working on housekeeping so... That helps a ton.
Hey! I posted a similar question about two weeks ago (if you scroll down in the bowl), though mine was focused more on how to handle awkwardness around finances rather than long-term implications. There were some great responses in that thread you might find helpful :) Good luck!!
My husband is a stay at home dad and has been for 9 years. We are incredibly fortunate that our kids have had this opportunity and experience- one that neither of us did growing up Even before this I always made quite a bit more than him. My role in our family is the breadwinner - it just happens to be that I am the woman. It isn’t about how much we make vs. each other but rather what we have collectively that matters.
Don’t let traditional norms get in the way of a positive relationship or you’ll end up old and single like meeeeeee
Its interesting, why is there (still) a pre-set idea that men should make more or at least same money as female. If we believe we should be treated equally in workplace, should we not treat our partners, male or female, equal at home? I understand that there are deep ingrained expectations in society and each of us, men and women, but it is 2018....
If I was making less than my SO and we had chosen to built a life and a family together, with the intention to stay together forever...i’d expect him to share his means (and not buy his own fancy clothes and let me go to a discounter, or take cool trips with friends while I stay at home, alone or with kids). Now it happens to be the case that I make almost 3 times more. So what?
As was said earlier, for me it is not about what each of us have, its about what we have together. Money, time, love, and taking care of our kids and household. Whatever we have to give, monetary or non-monetary, we will share. At very minimum, I would want to contribute 3 times more to all our costs. A socialist model? Yes, because this is the person that means a lot for me and would do the same. In fact, does the same. Gives me great amount of support. Practically, logistically (working close to home, having dinner with our kids every day) and emotionally (supporting me in my career and ambition, never ever slowing me down).
And yes, sometimes it is hard for him. In fact, I think it is harder for him seeing our paychecks, tax forms and bank accounts. He was raised in a traditional family and is trying to make peace with the fact that he is not the primary breadwinner.
So I can only be grateful. We have more than enough money to live a comfortable life. And we are working on achieving full equality in our relationship. Cause we want to be role models for our children growing up.
That both mom and dad can be the one picking them up from school, both can work, both can cook, both can drive and both can pay the bill.
We are in it together!
P2, I love that - “it’s not about what we each have, but what we have together."
He makes me laugh, is supportive and we share the same values, but I’d love to stay at home for a few years and not sure how tough that financial transition would be. Interested to hear any advice from those who have been through this. TIA
Oh thanks ZS, I had missed that thread!
Thanks all, great advice!