Anyone here dating or married someone who doesn’t work as great a job as them? How do you make it work without ever feeling like you’ve settled and him still feeling like the “provider”

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Probably by giving less of a fuck about whatever weird societal norms you seem to be gripped by right now. I didn't marry my husband for some economic alliance, I married him because I love him and being around him and wanted to spend our lives together. The fact that I support us doesn't mean I settled, it just means I got luckier with the job market and we can live comfortably. If you're looking at your relationship and feeling like you settled because of jobs, maybe that's just not a good relationship for you to be in?

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Yup, I earn 25% more than my husband. His profession is respected too and is on a salary. He's happy for my success and I have never felt that he's jealous or irritated by any means. We share a joint bank account and pay taxes jointly.

The key to this is to have respect and love and never vocalize that you're contributing more or that you're better off without him as long as you love each other.

My hubby is getting his higher education degree. I'm sure he's inspired to study hard and make more $$$ and this makes me happy.

Words are powerful. They can make your life amazing or miserable, so choose them wisely.

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It didn’t work out for me. It wasn’t the only problem, but it heavily contributed and set the tone of our relationship. He continued to feel inadequate and I continued to wish I had a true partner in arms. It wasn’t a specific number per say, it was more of a position, circle of friends, intellectual stimulation, etc. I actually didn’t realize how much it bothered either of us until we went through a divorce. Let’s just say that I highly recommend prenup to all my friends now.

I have vast amounts of respect for men and women who can make it work regardless, but I find that it is challenging especially if you meet later in life and the gap is significant.

All that said, I don’t regret it and I’m good with this regardless of how it ends up working out for me.

My suggestion would be to have an open and honest conversation about it and really really think through it.

Good luck to you!

likehelpful

My husband is a stay at home dad and was a bartender before we had kids. I used to feel like I settled when I was younger and listening to people telling me that I was settling. I couldn't do this job without his help and support.

For the past few years I understood that if I cared for my marriage, i needed to stop listening to other people and do what works for us. I can move forward in my career because my husband and I work together as equal partners. Our responsibilities are different than what social norm dictates, but i stopped looking for the social norm. I'm now doing what is best for my family. I stood up for my family and shut up a lot of people who told me that I was settling, including my parents and co-workers. My husband and I are able to raise a family and make it on our own. We don't need to defend our lifestyle. Once I accepted it and saw us as equal partners I was so much happier with our situation and can now fully enjoy my marriage.

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Just to chime in - a lot if you are young and are in the beginning of your careers. 20-40k difference you’re mentioning is not really a substantial difference. Some of you have the earning potential of an extra zero to that, and in some cases a lot more. When you’re making 5-10 times what your SO is making, sometimes things change. So, just something to think about.

likehelpful

While we both started at same pay I probably make almost 50% more than my husband. My hours are longer and my work usually is more intense most of year but my husband used that extra time to pitch in more on house stuff and with the kids so to me it all equaled out and we are both important“providers” in our own ways.

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Money doesn't define success or a happy relationship. Been married over 20 years and I make double what he does. Doesn't bother either of us. He loves his job, I love mine. That's what matters.

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Girls!! Thank you so much for all your input. I honestly think everyone makes a really good point. Also I think our cultural background have a lot to do with it. For example I come from a Pakistani background and my family is very conservative. I’ve definitely grown up thinking that my partner is supposed to make more than me. But obviously now I realize that it doesn’t make any sense because that was the mentality back when women weren’t working and getting educated. I got a masters degree for a reason and that was to be able to support myself and not rely on a man but now that I’m in a relationship I’m still thinking maybe he needs to earn more just because? And it’s probably really dumb to think this way but I wanted to talk about it anyway.

He also comes from a similar background so sometimes I feel he’s intimidated by my job as well. But at the same time, I really like him and he really likes me. He definitely makes me happy and I think it’s worth sticking out and seeing where it goes.

But damn is it hard knowing when someone is “the one” 😪

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I’m not criticizing you or anyone else, PWC3. As I mentioned in my post above, I have tremendous respect for people who work through that and make it work.

I merely shared my story and pointed out that there’s a significant difference between making 20-40k vs 200-400k more.

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In fact, he's so generous and would not mind spending all that he has to make me happy. Though we have a plan to save and invest in real estate.

He sometimes does on the side contractor job to get more $$ in. We camp and do activities together. Life isn't all about money although it's nice to plan for a secure retirement.

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@Partner 1: Maybe my personal example is not good enough and I know 20k is not much. But I know my mom 15 years ago whom used to make a lot more than my dad and she still somehow manage to take care of the family so that my dad can focus on his career. She picked me up from school, cooked, cleaned the house, taught my brother math at night, etc so that my dad can focus on his phd. Then when my dad’s career started to thrive, my mom stepped down on her career so she could have more time for the family. Note: My parents are both medical doctors / surgeon and they make just like partner here. I learned from my mom a hard lesson that I will always support my husband and respect him no matter how much he earn.

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RSM 1- while I generally agree with your main point, the post was pretty harsh. When my husband and I married, our incomes were very similar and so was our job title. The plan was for me to reduce my schedule some when we had kids. Due to various reasons, years later my income is several times his and I am the primary breadwinner. I love him very much but it was hard to deal with this when I had to work many long hours but would have preferred to be home more with the kids. That just wasn’t feasible given our jobs. I focus on all the reasons I married him, that he is a wonderful father and that the kids have been able to spend more time than many with their dad. However, on bad days at work when I am working really late, this may not be that easy. Cut Tax Accountant 1 a little slack.- differences may cause friction as we are all human Setting aside income, I do think people are generally more compatible with someone of a similar intellect

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I've been with the same person for over 13 years now and make significantly more than him. We split expenses and don't have joint bank accounts. I pay all the bills and he writes me 2 checks a month. What I usually do is buy stuff when it's just the two of us but when we're out with friends I let him pay.

It probably depends on the person but neither him nor I are really bothered. You have to feel secure in your relationship and then you realize it's not as big of a deal as you originally thought.

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My boyfriend of 2.5 years makes approx. $20k less than me/ year. I don’t think of it as settling because he still contributes towards the household (he contributes about 40%-45% towards rent/utilities/food/etc.) and any amount I pay more than him just isn’t a big deal to us. He also cooks/cleans more than I do, so it is kind of a trade off. I can’t speak to how he feels, but I think we’re both in the mindset that there are more important things than money. If the guy is kind, loving, has similar beliefs/values/lifestyle, and makes you happy - these things are more important and matter more. And in none of those aspects do I feel I have “settled."

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My husband was blue collar and now has been a stay at home dad for years. Why would I feel like I “settled”? A job doesn’t define who you are as a person. I love him, I never cared about his money or title It has never been a problem.

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KPMG 1 I don’t know what level you are but I can tell you at the partner level. I know many female partners whose husbands stay home. It isn’t that uncommon anymore..

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2 years ago my fiance made 20k less than me. Now he is making 5k more than me and probably have 10k raise in few months. I never think about me being better than him because of the salary. I think about how hard he work and his goal for the future. My man was very competitive and hard working so I knew he would do good in the future, just not at that moment because we all have different timeline to peak

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I dated a guy like that. We ended up breaking up because he just didn't have any ambition. If he'd loved his job and didn't get paid well I wouldn't have minded but he decided he was fine working at a sandwich shop forever (no college degree, no aspirations to get one even though he was very smart)

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SA1's point I think is more important than the numbers. If your partner is a slug that just assumes you will provide and support them that's very different than someone who is making less than you but doing something meaningful and they're passionate about it. My fiancé is in grad school and hasn't made more than $30k a year since undergrad but he always had purpose, direction, drive and ambition so it's never bothered me. He's now in med school so this might not apply to your situation.

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