Are there women here that have a significantly larger income than their male partner/ spouse? My husband used to make a little more money 10 years ago when we first met (when we were both making under 60k). Then I started climbing a fast track career ladder and now make a total comp of close to 300k and he is still under 80k... (which is totally fine with me btw). But I have noticed that this has caused a lot of serious issues for our relationship. any advice?

I’m separating from my husband of three years (together for 10). He makes $60K and I make upward of $450K all in. Did not care whatsoever, but he very much did. The insecurities got to be too much. Finding someone who supports you is incredibly important and if you’re as bad ass as you are at work and come home to someone who makes you feel small, you should think long and hard about it. It took me a very long time and lots of therapy to finally separate. Love makes you do crazy things. 😅

I make way more than my husband ($250k vs. $75k). We aren’t perfect but money is NEVER an issue for us. Everything goes into a single bank account. We share everything - there is no my money and his money. It’s our money. We discuss big purchases with each other ahead of time. There are lots of things that he buys that wouldn’t be how I would choose to spend money… but that’s fine. I buy expensive handbags and he knows and supports that. I will also say a joint account also works for us because neither of us have out of control spending habits.

I’m not surprised your husband is having issues with his feelings on this situation. Even if you pay way more of the bills… you still have a ton more money at the end of the day. You are literally living as husband and wife but have totally different budgets. How can you have a marriage where one person could be struggling/having to pinch pennies and another is living the high life? How is that a partnership? I wouldn’t like that if the situation was reversed and I bet you wouldn’t either.

I would love so much if my wife made more than me, I’d probably switch to a half-time job and take on primary parenting role.

Not helpful per se, but maybe a heart to heart on life goals and priorities with an openness to drastically shake things up could help shift perspectives from ego to flexibility/opportunities.

This is my husband and I and we have been married 30 years. We are in different jobs so the pay is different and we both know that. Also, we are different people and respect that about each other. He took on more of primary parenting when our kids were smaller too, sometimes not working at all. He got his masters after we had our first baby because daycare was so expensive. I think it doesn't bother him because he is proud of me. We completely share our money and do not have separate accounts for anything.

So many of you asked... what's the issue. There are some trends of him not feeling worthy and feeling stuck. Sometimes he expects me to naturally cover more of things although we can still split basic costs of living. like rent or childcare. and utilities . ... (I do cover big expenses always... like medical/hospital bills or flights and hotels or big/bulk grocery shopping or furniture. .. etc). he also never seems happy or proud of my achievements or promotions. At times it feels like he is jealous which sucks to feel like your partner is jealous. And sometimes if I get a bonus or raise I won't even tell him because I feel like that would make him even more jealous or resentful. He does want to grow in his career and make more money (he does Cybersecurity) but he is having some attention issues (ADD) and is having a hard time focusing on getting a certification or hunting for better job opportunities. I feel like if I pay for majority of everything he will completely lose motivation in investing on his career growth... another issue I've noticed is that he consistently eithet prevents me from buying big things like home furniture etc or complains that nothing in the house is his or is something he chose!!! I mean it all sounds like freaking out over control issues. And my hypothesis is that it's all caused by the fact that he is not making a whole lot of money

Honestly I have started to experience many episodes of him gaslighting me since I started making significantly more. I remember the first time ever I got a job offer that was more than his... he was picking me up from work to go get dinner and my phone rang... and it was a recruiter who told me I got a 65k offer (we were both making 45k ish at that point) and I was so excited and happy and screamed "I got the job.. 65k." and I don't remember him saying anything.... or even getting slightly happy for me. I felt awful I thought maybe I should have been a bit more careful because he is not making as much... but since that day... he has started to occasionally then consistently gaslight me to think I have focus issues... or I'm a workaholic or I forget everything or I'm unreliable or I'm focused on the wrong things, I'm terrible with money, I'm absent minded, Im incapable of feeling what others feel.....I can go on and on....it's gotten to a point where I've considered divorce many times. Then recently he asked that we should meet with a financial broker/advisor (that I had suggested months ago. And he refused) Which is why I started to think about asking this question here. It seems like what I'm going through is not the norm... there are plenty of couples with large disparity of income who are successful in maintaining their marriage and happiness. Unfortunately we have a 3.5 year old in the mix and I'm just trying my best to come up with ways to salvage this marriage before pulling the trigger once and for all and go my separate way. At the same time... the more I stay in this relationship the more I'm sharing my hard earned money with someone who does not appreciate it or me... so I'm stuck. I really don't know what to do. But reading through all these comments does really give me some clarity.

Although my husband and I are now semi retired, during my professional corporate career, I pulled in a fairly higher salary. I was lucky that he was always proud of me and often boasted to his friends. He loved his job as a machinist, while I loved climbing the corporate ladder and building our wealth. I think because he was really happy with himself, it never bothered him that I contributed more. Now we are both self employed; He does handyman work and loves it and I do real estate. Because we are both self employed, we have three separate accounts, his, mine and ours, all at the same bank so we can transfer money as needed. It works for us. I manage the big money in our 401Ks and take care of all financial aspects of our life, mostly because I enjoy it and he doesn’t.

I’m a stay at home dad. Does that count?

Be supportive of each other, agree to financial goals and contributions, and respect each other’s career paths. Money is just one aspect of our lives.

Counseling. What kind of issues are there? That's a BIG gap. How do you guys budget your household finances? Is it all in shared accounts? Do you have separate accounts? I was just talking about this with my mother and my own conclusion was that the more money I make, the more money for our (husband, myself, and 1 child) household. She claimed that men still want to contribute more financially (ego).

I make more than 3x mine and it’s not causing serious issues. Do you know what specifically is the issue created? Is he looking for validation from a prestigious career? Resentful of your success? Feeling like he can’t provide?

Gotta identify the issues first.

We have a disparity in income similar to yours. I’m at $275. He’s around $100. We’re both over 50.
To be honest, it never has become an issue. I pay the mortgage 100%. We just organically split other things based on who’s shopping or wants something. Occasionally we’ll say I’ll get the flights & hotel, you get the meals & activities for a trip. But we’re not really keeping track.

We both have our own separate bank accounts.

I think both people should remember why you married each other. It wasn't about the money. My SO and I do not get possessive about cash. Who earned it is irrelevant. Its just about what you two want together.
We make about the same money now but I used to make a third of what he made. He never made me feel like it wasn't a group decision on all big purchases even when it was something he was naturally paying for due to his salary vs mine. I always ask his opinion on things then and now (regardless of where the cash comes from) and vice versa.
Maybe you two need to have a frank discussion about this and you can let him know that it doesn't bother you and ask if it bothers him. Sounds like you're speculating alot about the way he feels. I'd make sure that you have it right. A conversation can go a long way in a relationship.

LOLing at these significant others in silly little side jobs pulling 'only' 6 figures. What planet is this?

Sounds to me like he isn’t owning his career, and that lack of agency has given him a bit of a victim mindset. So everything you do is seen by him through the prism of “how does this make me look/feel” which is always going to mean bad things (and even good things) are your fault or else his ADD’s fault but either way… not his own. ☹️

I get that he has ADD and that presents a challenge for him, but the hard truth is everyone faces some kind of challenge in life and the ones who can manage them best will succeed. There are people with ADD who are wildly successful so that really can’t be the main thing holding him back unless he lets it be the main thing holding him back.

I also wonder how the split accounts might play into it all.

I used to make significantly more than my wife, and now she makes significantly more than me. We married and kept everything joint for both seasons and I think this helped it feel very balanced even when there was/is quite a bit of disparity. We make all financial decisions together, although I handle the actual execution of paying bills lol.

I’ve always had a hard time understanding the split accounts to be frank, and it always seems to be a part of these kinds of problems, so I’d love to get a good explanation for why people do this.

My wife made more than me for the first 10 years of our relationship, not by much, but always a little ahead. When I went from 75k to 90k, she went from 85k to 105k, etc. My view was that was an amazing thing! I figured, if I’m going to work my ass off, I’d be way more resentful of a partner that I felt was just chilling spending money that I earned, as opposed to a partner that grinds like I do and contributes as much, or more.

We hit some bumps along the way figuring out how to make it work, and I’m sure my ego got in the way here and there, but I always anchored on two principles: 1) we’d follow the career of whoever had the best options in front of them, and 2) if either of us ever made significantly more than the other, then there was some implied veto power on major major financial decisions. Both of these come with a lot of gray area and require good faith and lots of convos.

Now I make 2x what she makes, and combined we’re north of 1m annually, but the same principles hold and still work for us. But I could absolutely see major problems if we had had a big disparity early on.

Despite the best intentions of men that want to be supporters of equality, there is a natural tension between that desire, and the instinctual drive to be the provider. These two things are not easily reconciled.

Early 30s - I’m at about 275k (tech) and my partner is around 150k - he’s in the arts / creative world. Super different careers - mine is high stress / corporate and his is totally passion / fun / lifestyle. Not an issue at all and we are both very proud and supportive of each other. I think at that level we both make a good amount that affords a great lifestyle so it’s not an issue. Similar to above - split all costs but keep separate finances.

I make a significantly larger amount than my husband, but his job is part of our entertainment. He's in the music industry and is on tour a good part of the year (Yay! Concerts are back!). The perks from that are significant and the experiences are priceless.

1) What does your husband do for work?
2) What are the issues?