{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "As an ABCD myself, I feel like a lot of ABCDs tend to be generally pretty cold and unfriendly, especially to other desis. They tend to hang out in their own cliques that share their same disdain for desi culture and look down on their own kind. Yet at the same time they preach about progressivism to no end. Generally I’ve found recent migrants to be far more warm and welcoming. Anyone else feels that this is the case? Again, not generalizing here as I’m an ABCD myself.", "post_id": "61089e2a9b5424002851ba95", "reply_count": 44, "vote_count": 17, "bowl_id": "58f8108c753e990016608a0b", "bowl_name": "Desi Consultants" }

As an ABCD myself, I feel like a lot of ABCDs tend to be generally pretty cold and unfriendly, especially to other desis. They tend to hang out in their own cliques that share their same disdain for desi culture and look down on their own kind. Yet at the same time they preach about progressivism to no end. Generally I’ve found recent migrants to be far more warm and welcoming. Anyone else feels that this is the case? Again, not generalizing here as I’m an ABCD myself.

likefunny
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A few observations.. 1. It has been a mixed bag for me but I have seen a geographic pattern in my interactions with 500 or so ABCDs in social and professional circles. I have lived on both coasts - 15 years each. The % of ABCDs who fit the description that OP described is higher in North East than in SF bay area. The cliquish behavior is demonstrated by people who are low on confidence. It could be that SF bay area folks are more confident, I dunno. 2. Also, this progressive fakery on LinkedIn bothers me where people are trying to score Likes on social issues or show they are inclusive at workplace. The same people treat junior desis in a cold manner. 3. Another observation has been that ABCDs will be friendly if you are their cousins. But to others who are not, a switch happens. 4. A good many DCBAs also demonstrate cliquish behaviors. So, it is not just ABCDs that are like this.

likesmart

Ohhh you got that right about east vs bay. Major difference! I think it’s got to do with a higher number of Desis (Gujju and other North Indian groups) in the north east vs the more recent (may I say South?) immigrants in the bay. Also the bay is a lot more accepting of diversity and there are more literate groups.

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My observation: There are a confused set of people who were born/raised in US. And these people usually seem to have parents who were not holding onto Desi values/culture strongly. And most likely they grew up in areas where they benefited from assimilating/white-washing. Hence, the snobbish attitude when they see people who are more Desi. But point to note is: there are those who are more warm and a lot more Desi and not confused. There are also a group of people who moved to America from the subcontinent in the last 15 years for their masters. They feel a bit insecure, self-conscious (about accents?) and hang in cliques. They don’t feel comfortable with those more assimilated. They think the other group with “citizenship” are a different league and complain about how these ABCDs are conceited or life gave them lottery. I’ve seen the worst kind in both groups. Both don’t want to connect to the others who are not like them. I think this comes from a fear of changing or getting judged.

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OP - you’re not generalizing, as my experience has been the same. I came to the US for my undergrad many years ago, and my earlier experiences with ABCDs was not that great. Over the years I’ve made many ABCD and recent immigrant (FOB) friends. I do believe the attitude stems from personal insecurities that many have.

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+1 same experience

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You are definitely generalizing

likefunny

I think we need to understand that ABDs have seen India as a foreign country and US as their own country since their birth. It is fair if they love US and it’s culture more. I have personally came across many ABDs who didn’t really shy away from showing their love of Indian culture, spicy food, festivals like diwali, navaratri etc and in general their Indian ethnicity. I have also came across IBDs who start faking American accent in no time ;)

likefunnysmart

Eh the only reason I see many cling on yo their indian side is because it's a way to stand out in front of white and black Americans The day they can use it to score brownie points is the day we'll know how much they value SA culture

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I had a guy tell me his name is AJ when I called him Ajay. He spells it Ajay. I had no idea. Definitely about confidence. Underconfident Americans try to cover it by being a snob as well.

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PWC3, you do you. Ajay is a short name. You may not see why Ajay turning to AJ seems unnecessary but that’s you. I think D3’s reaction is fine.

You consider yourself confused? Cringey.

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ABD works just fine and is pretty mainstream now too.

I’m an ABD and tend to shy away from Indian things because I don’t feel Indian enough. I don’t shy away from Indian people per se, just that I’m more likely to form relationships on an individual basis than like seek out a group of desis because honestly whether in India or here, I just didn’t grow up with the same cultural influences (my parents aren’t very traditional and we didn’t really do things like to to India on the regular ET) and just sort of feel awkward and like a fish out of water. Better for me to just meet people (both desi and not) like normal and make connections based on shared interests and stuff. I find neither IBDs nor ABDs have a monopoly on bad attitudes and poor behavior.

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You commenters are just pure devil. I think @OP is coming from a good place and actually seeing some of the struggle that fellow desi immigrants go through. Have no idea why you guys are actually thinking he/she being a prick?

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Hate to say it, but I'm with A1 on this. Personal experiences plus other desi folks I'm close to tell me what you're feeling isn't the norm. More traditional and older generation indians from India actually relate to you more. They used to isolate themselves to their regions and religious communities, and within that castes too. Southern Indians didn't usually socialize with the Northerns for instance.

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Yup ABCD think they are cool and I have worked with a few. Your music taste and culture is white but you crave for desi food 🤣

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What is wrong with that? You can’t enjoy a certain type of music but crave the food you might’ve grown up on? Everyone in their own mind thinks they and others who think/act like them are ‘cool’

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OP clearly mentioned he/she isn’t generalizing. Lol. Several people were triggered I guess.

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I moved from India in 2012 and tried to make friends with a Pakistani abcd girl. She looked down upon me and gave me a really cold treatment. I can never forget. Since then, I’ve never gone out of the way to mingle with abcds.

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Maybe you weren’t the shahrukh you thought you were?

funnylike

As an American-born Desi, I have certainly seen this before. But I met a fair amount of two faced folks as well. In school, they would go out of their way to avoid all the other desis. But, when you would meet them at the temple or a family friend gathering, they would suddenly act super traditional

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Sorry to say this Ask question to your Indian relatives back In India how they feel about you when you go for a visit just after staying here for few years , people are different when they exposed to different things and see things in different prospective and most of these kids who grew up here are super smart and independent but not street smart just because you don’t understand them they become confused we are the one confused expecting them to behave according to desi expectations and Branding them

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Yes, I am from Pakistan so first gen and have noticed this.

@OP that’s why someone like me who moved here decade ago prefers to be with either similar desi or non-ABCD Americans . Again there are exceptions to this :)

If you’re an abcd and thinks like it then it must be true.

100%

I’m not ABCD and agree with OP

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