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PHR vs SHRM vs AIRS? Which one should I pursue?
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I’m lit boiz 🕶
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Every single time
Chief
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I spend WAY too much time on dating apps.
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A little drunk, AMA folks. Let’s go
Initially, you are appalled that Bradford's accomplishment will eclipse your own. After all, how could he have only had to pay a third of the price for college to receive the same job? How could it be that MS would accept some 1200 SAT super-scored commoner from a quasi-community college? This paradox boggles your mind. However, after further exploration, you discover that Bradford was placed in the firm's Equity Capital Markets group. A quick fix of Wall Street Oasis verifies to you that ECM exit opportunities are even worse than Management Consulting. Many WSO users don't even consider ECM to even be true, authentic, blue-blood, Ivy-League, non-GMO Investment Banking.
The second you hit the desk full-time at Goldman, you are gunning for private equity. Everyone else in your analyst class has been citing that 2 years at KKR is equal to at least 20 years at JPM. You even asked Weston to confirm these numbers. However, thanks to your TMT + elite university connections, once again you are able to nosedive your way into Apollo. Originally, you were going to go with Carlyle but after discovering that D.C. (Carlyle's HQ) is universally inferior to NYC in terms of city tier rankings and exit opps (both professionally and dating), you decided to pass up on the offer. After all, 2 years in NYC is virtually the same as 5 years in DC, 10 years in San Fran, and 29 years in London. Now for the next 2 years you don't have to worry about any Weston's stealing your thunder as the bearer of best opps while you grind your 100-hour work weeks at GS in peace.
Pt. 2: As you wrap up banking and switch over to the promised land, you are feeling more entitled and powerful than ever before. In fact, you ponder that you've nearly reached the point where nobody can out-exit-opp you. You are the exit-opp lizard king and your self-proclaimed career flexibility now transcends the barriers of high-finance into other industries as well. Take for instance your friends in medical school. You grimace to yourself, thinking how pigeonholed these sorry folks will be when they are stuck practicing medicine their entire life. Lawyers? Engineers? Professors? You can't help but laugh at the fact none of them in life will ever be able to exit to Corp Dev, PE, IB, ER, HF, VC, AM, CEO, NFL, or a Tier 1 Olympic sport even if they tried. You have pity for the state school plebs who have such limited career paths, with their only true exit being the cemetery. Couldn't be you.
That is, until you find out a lot of your fellow associates at Apollo and other similar top-prestige (MF only, no UMM) shops are applying to HBS/GSB. You begin to hear that 2 years at a top MBA is the same career advancement as 10 years in private equity, 81 years in corporate finance, and 173 years in an undergraduate state school. Taking a break from PE to get your MBA would actually be ideal for you; it will give you time to now consider what it is exactly you want to do with all these exit opps you've nested.
Pt. 3: When you finally enrolled in HBS, you notice that you are a lion among sheep. Aside from your colleagues at Apollo/BX/KKR, most of your class is filled with non-target school ciphers (think Alabama/MSU/Rutgers/Vandy/Baruch) from consulting, non-finance F500, and Big 4 backgrounds. Many are trying to land a job at Goldman TMT as an Associate, which you can't help but die laughing at. Sheep is as sheep does, you guess. You're wondering if you should stay late after class to sign any autographs for them.
Meanwhile underneath your dark borealis green Patagonia vest lies an empty heart, beating to the sound of a ticking clock as you decide what it is on Earth you will be doing after business school. You considered a corporate development role in big tech but cringed at the starting salary package they offered --- "these clowns are almost paying as low as the Big 4," you shriek in contempt. Plus you would have to relocate to San Fran, a place of refuge filled with NYC-rejects, you think. At this point, you might as well volunteer your time to help rebuild an entire village in Africa for free --- at least they would actually be dumbfounded by your 2+2+2 experience, unlike the disgraceful and ignorant bums of SF. These feelings of dissonance leave you ready to return back to PE post-MBA, not because you enjoy the work (you actually found out you hated it a long time ago) but because you can't think of anything that sounds more prestigious or elite. After all, Apollo would be happy to have an all-star like you back on its roster.
Pt. 4 (final chapter): As a newly-spawned VP in PE, you spend the next 10 years deciding whether you should start your own fund or wait until your partner, Greg, retires or dies. Greg is only 7 years older than you and appears to be in far healthier shape for his age. In fact, Greg now works fully remote from the third-level balcony of his 10-acre beach house in the Hamptons. He's even invited you to come visit for a weekend but you've been too busy clocking in 65 hours each week at the office as your hair continues to thin, making only 40% of his annual comp.
As you continue to wait in the decade-long line to become Partner, you've noticed that dozens of your friends have launched successful startups, IPOs, and hedge funds, sometimes 10x-ing your net worth. Most of these people have worked half your hours over their careers and weren't even ex-Goldman! You feel down bad on a weekly basis until a rush of dopamine flows through your brain as you check your personal email account: you've been contacted by your alma mater's Career Services Center (think Harvard/Emory/Stanford) asking if you'd be interested in giving a presentation to the college's students. You agree to attend and begin to inform these prospects that "you can do anything in the world coming from a NYC-based MF PE background."
Chief
Are you, “you”? 🤣
I'm you in a parallel universe where you went to wall street
Are you sure you aren’t senior copywriter?
Chief
Yes.