Asian racism seems to be the hot topic so let's get real with another issue. It's going to get uncomfortable. Are asian women racist against asian men by preferring to marry white men and vice versa?

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Wonder what this sub makes of my situation then...

Asian F, I'm dating a white guy and will most likely also marry him. I love him because he is fully supportive of me, respects my career ambitions, steps up to taking over more than half of the housework and more than anything makes me laugh.

At the same time, I much prefer the aesthetic of well groomed Asian men over white men (Wang Lee Hom is the most gorgeous man alive; Ryan Gosling always looks like an egg to me). I'm also a tiny bit sad that I won't have a 100% Asian baby, because they're the cutest.

But in the end I love my man for all his positive traits. Could I find a similar Asian guy who also checks all the boxes? Probably yes, but in the end he was perfect and right there, and I would have been insane if I had said no.

However for people who don't know all that may make assumptions that I just prefer white men, and that makes me really sad.

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Love is Love - I get why people bring up these statistics, but it doesn’t provide any positive value to do so. People shouldn’t judge your relationships with a racial lens, and couples shouldn’t think about the racial opinions of outsiders.. why do we do it so much? Why does it matter? Are we asking the right questions?

I wonder if there is any correlation with the environment you grew up in. Friends in the US who grew up in white-dominated environments tended to date white. All my other friends who grew up in Toronto with me are all dating Asian, with a few dating south Asian.

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Yes definitely pleasure is the key element here. If you had first encounters that aren’t pleasurable, your brain won’t register it the same way. If you had first encounters that went really wrong, your brain could even register the opposite way.

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Asian women exclusively dating white guys is just propagating another form of white supremacy.

You think their race is better than yours, and so you want to “marry/date up”.

Now of course, everyone is entitled to their preferences, but one needs to reflect whether they prefer something because of white supremacy undertones.

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I've heard some contradicting accounts of the "patriarchal" idea where when the white man portrays these traits, it's seen as masculine, and when the Asian man portrays it, it's seen as a form of sexist oppression. Maybe our stereotypes play a role in that?

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I once wrote a long reply on a post in Single’s Bowl about this so it thought I’d share here. Having had the discussion multiple times, it always leads to huge arguments. Some will think it’s racist, others will say “I’m entitled to my preference”. That’s why I feel like labeling doesn’t really facilitate the discussion well. But I do recommend the following, a bit of a fun story plus some self introspection goes a long way.

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I respect people who value self introspection. 😊 If you have time for the podcast, I promise it won’t let you down. Hearing someone else go through this journey of self examination really helped me do it on my own.

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And I’d like to add, for the parents that say you can only date another Asian/Korean/Chinese, etc, but also say white guys are okay, are also propagating white supremacy while also being racist.

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@TAM1 - "ooh lookie at me, I have the most perfect Asian parents! they are so impeccable, with their perfect house, perfect children, and perfect life! god forbid you other Asians have lesser parents!"

funny

Asian woman here. I too was told by my parents I could marry Chinese or White. I was also in very white and privileged circles (Greek life) during college and felt the need to date white guys to show ability to assimilate. Now I’m dating an Indian guy who is everything my parents could want for me (smart, successful, loving, kind) but they’re disappointed by his race and skintone (very light brown but still darker than the average Chinese person.) I don’t let them disrespect him in front of me but I can feel their disappointment and racism.

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Yup, it came from insecurity. It was like checking a box and once I did it I stopped caring.

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So many offensive thoughts in here on so many levels. Of those of you men opining about asian women and our preferences, how many of you are in relationships? You seem to think your opinion of women and our preferences are along specific lines and for specific race purposes. How about we just like people who don’t scream racism when they don’t get what they want? 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Great discussions everyone. Thanks for stepping in the circus especially A1. I'm taking a break, but hope to learn more from this discussion later today.

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Oooh this is always an interesting discussion. My college roommates and I joked that this was our initiation question to our circle of friends.

Our communal take is much like what has been said above. A preference isn’t inherently wrong — it’s much like preferring an eye color or certain height, and some people want to stick within their culture. However, if a preference is reflective of racial stereotypes and bias, then it becomes much more suspect.

I’m personally hapa, and my SO is Hispanic. I think being the product of an interracial couple and having an interracial relationship myself has been immensely rewarding personally. I am going to cautiously avoid comment on the general question since every individual is different, but I wouldn’t inherently say it’s a negative.

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I agree with everything you said. Having been in both types of relationships I understand the benefits from both. Having a preference, or however we describe it, isnt inherently bad.

From what I've observed and personally experienced with black, Latin, and south Asian communities, they seem to have a sense of pride in staying within their race. Not because they are racist against others, but because theres intrinsic value in keeping and continuing their culture. Theres something special there that both parties value.

In comparison, there's a significant portion of asians who not only see more value by being with whites, but also have an aversion to being with another asian.

It's this difference in comparison to other races and ethnicities that makes it interesting.

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Racist? That's not the right word here.

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Of course there are exceptions and not ALL people are the same. But let’s be fair.. we are asking a generalized question on why many Asian Women date out... i can argue back and say “WHOA not all do that guys!!” But I’m giving you a generalized answer worth considering as it relates to general culture, beliefs, and upbringing. Not sure if anyone have an answer that didn’t include generalizations. You guys need to lighten up.

What is really interesting, is as Asian women discriminating against non-whites, we get to experience what it’s like to be the oppressor.

And unsurprisingly, we find how easy it is to be indifferent to it (as Accenture1 has pointed out, how is it different from not liking Korean food, it’s just preferences).

It goes to show how big the mountain we have to climb, and there will be naysayers the entire journey.

likehelpful

Sad to say but even guys like Derek Chauvin will be marriage material for Asian women. I don’t think Asian men need to really do anything to improve their image. Just because the majority of the world wants things a certain way, it doesn’t mean it’s the right way.

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Damn it makes me so angry to learn that an Asian married Derek chauvin.

Fortunately there are asian women who are only attracted to asian men. Let’s just focus on those who appreciate us. Their loss for the ones who write us off before even getting to know us. I’ve been raised to respect and love my spouse, and if my skin color is an issue to you just because, I don’t want anything to do with you. You don’t deserve my love.

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As an Asian woman who married a white man. Race had nothing to do with it. I've dated men of all colors including Asian men. I chose my husband because he was the right one for me. He just happened to be white.

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Dated a black man?

Completely understand how you feel. Asian men is at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of dating and Asian women is on the top. This is just a fact. Try on-line dating for a week you will get that message loud and clear. To me, it’s more about what we can do as Asian men to change that bias.
It’s great we are discussing the why, but it’s just as important to acknowledge how the OP feels.

PS: White men can have all the Asian women who only want to date them only because of their skin color. We don’t want to date Asian women with that kinda value anyways.

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Many asian men are conservative/traditional and have a very specific type (body shape + personality), I don’t fit their criteria. Or if I do choose to marry within my race, I would need to erase a part of my identity/self to conform to what they want.

So I have to look outside my race...

likefunny

Some truth to what TAM1 is saying. I’ve seen fit in shape white guys date bigger ladies but never asian men doing the same.

Huh? Stats please

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Very interesting. Thanks.

Asian women: what do you think of white men who exclusively date Asian women?

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Analyst 1 - avoid at all costs. I once had a white guy tell me he preferred Asian women for the following reasons:
1. We eat healthier diets and therefore stay skinnier longer
2. Mixed babies are cute and he wants them
This was all over IM chat before any dates. Creepy AF.

likefunny

Preference of partners’ race is heavily influenced by lots of social factors. Imagine growing up in a place where you are taught by media that all princes and princesses, and main tv and movie characters are white. Wouldn’t you fancy someone that look like them?

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I always preferred a princess Jasmine. Although Bell comes in as a close second.

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IMO, I dont think its racism, but more so protecting personal interests and overall sanity. a lot of the asian guys still believe that their mother is either the center if not an important role in a marriage and relationship with his wife. For me, as an independent east asian female who grew up in the US, that leaves little room for my own mother. I am not going to marry to be under another woman. I will respect and love my mother in law, but I am not under my mother-in law. Theres a fine line btwn the two. but often times you see that being poorly handled on the man's side. hence a lot of females that I know tend to lean toward dating white men when given the opportunity, knowing that there will be that support and understanding, rather than the forced traditional norm. Thats my experience and I know the experience of many others. Also, yall asian men need to remember, not every east asian female is actively seeking white men. A lot of us are the ones being pursued, and regardless of color, if he is a good man, no one will say no. we are a catch :)

smart

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