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Pick your battles. Some stuff are worth standing your ground some aren’t. I personally think that if my MIL gives me things I don’t need or want I can give it away. She won’t double check where it is. Sometimes it’s worth smiling and getting rid of it afterwards 😬
This a million times. It’s his mom. Ask him to take the lead here- and not in a way that low key throws you under the bus.
We had some early ground rules like no unannounced visits (they had to call first), etc. and me and my partner agreed on a phrase we still use with my MIL when she gives us weird suggestions which means that the other should change the topic. I’ve also sometimes suggested that stuff she gives us should stay at her house or i just put it away / give it away. Some of her gifts turned out to be useful down the line (she just bought them waaaaay early) and some were nice to have at her house (like this pack and play she insisted on or the drum set she got our 3 year old, haha). As my kids got older, I was fine with her having more relaxed rules - sometimes she treats the kids to soda or let’s them stay up later than I would but honestly a lot of my best memories of my grandparents are when they let us do stuff we ‘weren’t supposed to,’ like staying up late. Also I make my husband be the bad guy sometimes so I’m not always the one coming down on her when it’s really our preferences.
We laid out some ground rules before the baby arrived so that everyone is on the same page. (She moved in with us during the first three months to help out). We told her that it is important for us to take care of the baby ourselves. She can help with house work. That way i can do things my way when it comes to taking care of my little one. A lot of the times when there were issues, my husband was the middleman who talked to her and explained what and why we wanted things in certain ways.
I like that he used 'we' and not just you!
I guess, eventually you just have your hands so full (caring for a baby and working, for example) you can’t be bothered to care too much about hurting their feelings by putting your foot down on something. 😆
Btw, what you describe is not nice. Being pushy and forcing her way is the exact opposite of nice.
D1 I agree. Being Asian with a certain expectation to respect your elders does not help in this instance... even my mom tells me to bite my tongue and to be grateful. But I can definitely see this escalating into more serious issues in the future: spoiling kids, undermining our way of parenting, etc. Will get my spouse more involved for sure, even though he’s been relatively unsuccessful all his life at putting off his mom 😅
I think a baby brings out all the crazies in the in-laws... our relationships took a turn for the worse and will never be as simple as before. But unpleasant as it may be at times, it all blows over, and sooner or later you (meaning hopefully, future me) learn to live with the lowered expectations, perfect that polite smile, and just keep doing what you do, because no matter what, it’s your baby and they will want to be a part of his/her life no matter the terms...
Thanks ladies. I don’t know if it’s the exhaustion or hormones of third trimester, but I just feel like I can’t keep smiling politely (like I’ve always done before) when she comes to visit this weekend. They are coming to see about renting an apartment near us, that my parents will also chip in for (we live in NYC)... but agreed I really need to set some ground rules early and not let them just barge in whenever.
Remember this weekend: you have the ultimate card: I’m pregnant I’m tired I’ll catch up with you guys later ✌🏼