{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Been with my gf for a number of years now and we’re talking about marriage. She told me today that she wants me to take her last name. Like, it’s whatever but honestly I wasn’t even asking her to take mine, just figured we’d both keep our own last names and now im a little confused/uncomfortable. She thinks it’d be super progressive for me to do, and is really dedicated to what seems like a recently acquired idea. Not sure how to handle this.", "post_id": "61c4e1e79c301a002ed4fed4", "reply_count": 276, "vote_count": 67, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession ", "feed_type": "bowl" }
null

Been with my gf for a number of years now and we’re talking about marriage. She told me today that she wants me to take her last name. Like, it’s whatever but honestly I wasn’t even asking her to take mine, just figured we’d both keep our own last names and now im a little confused/uncomfortable. She thinks it’d be super progressive for me to do, and is really dedicated to what seems like a recently acquired idea. Not sure how to handle this.

funnylikehelpful
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Sit down and talk about it. Discuss why you think you should both keep your own and why she wants you to take hers and how the idea came about. You both need to be in an open mindset when you do this, and consider your future, like if you have kids how you will handle their last name if neither of you takes the other name.

Personally, I’m all for keeping my last name if I get married again. It was a pain to change when I got married the first time, and now change back, and I don’t want kids, so that would never be an issue. I also wouldn’t ask a potential husband to take my last name, because I don’t see a purpose in taking the other person’s name except if you have kids, and then it does help if the kids have the parents’ name.

likesmart

So you would be proud to be married 4 times? It shows you have no sense of judgment and does zero due diligence before committing. Then why commit at all? Also being married does not mean you were deeply in love and I know for a fact she wasn’t.

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Female here. Curious to know if you both keep your own last name what last name would the baby have? I think your feelings are valid. Suggestion: What about compromising on both sides and the two of you hyphenate both of your last names? I think that would be more than fair. Family experience here: my great grandmother kept her last name and her first few kids had it. Then when she remarried she changed her mind and decided the kids produced from the new marriage would have the new husbands last name. Well as time went by they started confusing on what the last name is for the kids. In some documents it was her prior husbands, in others it was her maiden and in others it was the new husbands. That made it challenging with getting records for my grandma later in life because even she herself didn’t know what last name she had

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No, tell her she’s still enforcing the patriarchy bc her last name came from her dad. The progressive thing to do is start your own new line of last name

likefunnysmartuplifting

This is a strange comment. If her name is actually her dad’s, then isn’t his name also his dad’s? It’s silly.

Personally, I think everyone should keep their own name and compromise on a name for the children. There is no reason why either person needs to give up their respective names.

funny

UPDATE for those who asked: it’s been a long couple weeks. We’ve talked about it a ton, and it’s something she doesn’t want to compromise on (doesn’t even want us to keep our own names, thinks it’s important we set an example for future generations, etc.) She’d also want the kids to take her last name instead of anything joint.

After very long contemplation with trusted advisors and a licensed therapist, we’re going our separate ways. Thank you to those who commented for your opinions, very appreciated.

likesmartfunnyuplifting

You’re better for it. She’s going to have a very tough, unfulfilled life.

I love how the progressives force their views on other people.

likefunnysmart

Yes talking about the fiancé

like

You might need to reconsider the future of the relationship if your SO is a full time feminist and you are not okay with it in every matter

likefunny

This isn't feminism. Feminism is about equality of the sexes.

A feminist would want to break away from misogynistic traditions entirely, not to reverse them back against men.

Oppressing the oppressors is not the right solution.

like

RUN as far away as you can. Imagine what she would do to the kids in the guise of progression.

likefunnysmart

D4, that's kinda what I'm saying. Stupidity exists within all ideologies in some facet

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The fragile masculinity in this thread is off the charts lol.

likefunnysmart

I'm sure there are some fragile men in this comment section, but OP is not one of them. Having boundaries and wanting to be heard within your own relationship is very healthy and reasonable.

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RUN

likesmart

This👆

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Don’t be a pushover and keep your own last name. Do what YOU want

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It is lol, marriage is a compromise but ultimately you’re still your own person

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“alright if you still feel that way when we get married in 6 years I’ll consider it”

likefunnysmart

McK4 just don’t name your first born Fredy

Ah yes, instead of taking your last name (which isn’t an issue), she wants you to take her FATHER’S last name. Just make up a new name together.

like

Doesn’t the same also apply to men? Their family names are their FATHERS’.

likefunny

Just say that it is better that you both keep your own names.

Being in a relationship is about providing mutual comfort and support. And it should never have been about politics or how it appears to society - I’d say the most progressive thing then is to do what feels right for the both of you instead of worrying about what it looks like to everybody outside.

This is coming from the most bleeding edge left winger.

likefunny

RUN.

likehelpful

Run. These type of women want weak men

likefunnysmart

tbh I would totally just create a new last name lol opportunity to create a new identity :)

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Assert your male dominance

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likefunny

I assume heavy sarcasm and laughed. Thank you.

Woah that’s a tough situation. I personally wouldn’t do that because my family name dies otherwise and it helps with traceability of lineage later on in life. Certain traditions may have begun because of sexism (mainly mens ownership of women) but don’t represent that any more and actually have other benefits of continuation. It feels weird and social justicey for no real reason. Feel like that’s nonsense virtue signaling

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And someone's always got to deny that traditional systems can be rooted in privilege.

It's not just white privilege but also male privilege. As SC1 alluded to, historically, names/lineage were centered around maintenance or acquisition of wealth by men. Male names have been used because they were exclusively allowed to be owners/distributors of wealth (even up to the last 50 years...women couldn't open credit cards without a man until what, the 70s?). Women, often viewed as property, came with dowries so hubby's fam received wealth or status though her, or a woman's father could gain status for bartering her to a successful family.

Our structures now maybe aren't dependent on this, but our tradition of woman taking her husband's name, or a man "giving away" his daughter at her wedding, descend from this. Some people love the tradition and it means more to them than others. Do you! But that doesn't change where it all stemmed from (and why it's harder to trace maternal lines after a certain point).

As someone who HAS done genealogy on both her bio and non-bio fams, I know wealth and education (another privilege often linked to wealth) absolutely play a role in how far you can get in family trees. One line I can trace to 1500s French nobility because access to wealth/education/record keeping are passed down. Another I can't get past more than a few gens because they were poor immigrants who could barely write their own names and census people didn't care. Plus I found lots of potential 'skeletons' in research and DNA tests... My takeaway from this exercise was how much is truth or matters more than for curiosity or cocktail fodder for most of us?

That said, I (F) AM attached to my dad's name and plan to keep it, especially because he passed when I was a teen, so I'm more sentimental about it I think.

But back to SC1s point--TL;DR: if my children took my name it wouldn't affect the traceability of thier family lines anymore than if they took their dad's. If anything it's starting to help women's lines be more traceable and less defined only by her husband's, so future generations get all sides of their lineage.

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I mean it’s no less weird than her taking your name. But are we going for a different weird or progress? There’s no Progressives without progress you know…

To further muddy the water, what last name will kids take, if applicable? That’s where you need to make more of a decision.

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You should only change your last name if YOU want to change your last name. The idea that you should change it due to some political ideology is weird and quite frankly is a signal that she doesn't give your relationship the priority it deserves.

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It’s a pain in the ass to change your last name so I didn’t. Husband didn’t say a word about it. I don’t think it’s progressive or anything - just pure convenience for me.

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Same. Even if my wife wants to change her last name, i would convince her not to. Its a big hassle. I dont care if its progressive or regressive.

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