Been with my gf for a number of years now and we’re talking about marriage. She told me today that she wants me to take her last name. Like, it’s whatever but honestly I wasn’t even asking her to take mine, just figured we’d both keep our own last names and now im a little confused/uncomfortable. She thinks it’d be super progressive for me to do, and is really dedicated to what seems like a recently acquired idea. Not sure how to handle this.

No, tell her she’s still enforcing the patriarchy bc her last name came from her dad. The progressive thing to do is start your own new line of last name

UPDATE for those who asked: it’s been a long couple weeks. We’ve talked about it a ton, and it’s something she doesn’t want to compromise on (doesn’t even want us to keep our own names, thinks it’s important we set an example for future generations, etc.) She’d also want the kids to take her last name instead of anything joint. After very long contemplation with trusted advisors and a licensed therapist, we’re going our separate ways. Thank you to those who commented for your opinions, very appreciated.

I love how the progressives force their views on other people.

You might need to reconsider the future of the relationship if your SO is a full time feminist and you are not okay with it in every matter

RUN as far away as you can. Imagine what she would do to the kids in the guise of progression.

The fragile masculinity in this thread is off the charts lol.

Don’t be a pushover and keep your own last name. Do what YOU want

“alright if you still feel that way when we get married in 6 years I’ll consider it”

Sit down and talk about it. Discuss why you think you should both keep your own and why she wants you to take hers and how the idea came about. You both need to be in an open mindset when you do this, and consider your future, like if you have kids how you will handle their last name if neither of you takes the other name. Personally, I’m all for keeping my last name if I get married again. It was a pain to change when I got married the first time, and now change back, and I don’t want kids, so that would never be an issue. I also wouldn’t ask a potential husband to take my last name, because I don’t see a purpose in taking the other person’s name except if you have kids, and then it does help if the kids have the parents’ name.

Ah yes, instead of taking your last name (which isn’t an issue), she wants you to take her FATHER’S last name. Just make up a new name together.

Been with my gf for a number of years now and we’r...

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And someone's always got to deny that traditional systems can be rooted in privilege.

It's not just white privilege but also male privilege. As SC1 alluded to, historically, names/lineage were centered around maintenance or acquisition of wealth by men. Male names have been used because they were exclusively allowed to be owners/distributors of wealth (even up to the last 50 years...women couldn't open credit cards without a man until what, the 70s?). Women, often viewed as property, came with dowries so hubby's fam received wealth or status though her, or a woman's father could gain status for bartering her to a successful family.

Our structures now maybe aren't dependent on this, but our tradition of woman taking her husband's name, or a man "giving away" his daughter at her wedding, descend from this. Some people love the tradition and it means more to them than others. Do you! But that doesn't change where it all stemmed from (and why it's harder to trace maternal lines after a certain point).

As someone who HAS done genealogy on both her bio and non-bio fams, I know wealth and education (another privilege often linked to wealth) absolutely play a role in how far you can get in family trees. One line I can trace to 1500s French nobility because access to wealth/education/record keeping are passed down. Another I can't get past more than a few gens because they were poor immigrants who could barely write their own names and census people didn't care. Plus I found lots of potential 'skeletons' in research and DNA tests... My takeaway from this exercise was how much is truth or matters more than for curiosity or cocktail fodder for most of us?

That said, I (F) AM attached to my dad's name and plan to keep it, especially because he passed when I was a teen, so I'm more sentimental about it I think.

But back to SC1s point--TL;DR: if my children took my name it wouldn't affect the traceability of thier family lines anymore than if they took their dad's. If anything it's starting to help women's lines be more traceable and less defined only by her husband's, so future generations get all sides of their lineage.