Been with my gf for a number of years now and we’re talking about marriage. She told me today that she wants me to take her last name. Like, it’s whatever but honestly I wasn’t even asking her to take mine, just figured we’d both keep our own last names and now im a little confused/uncomfortable. She thinks it’d be super progressive for me to do, and is really dedicated to what seems like a recently acquired idea. Not sure how to handle this.

funnylikehelpfuluplifting
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No, tell her she’s still enforcing the patriarchy bc her last name came from her dad. The progressive thing to do is start your own new line of last name

likefunnysmartuplifting

This is a strange comment. If her name is actually her dad’s, then isn’t his name also his dad’s? It’s silly.

Personally, I think everyone should keep their own name and compromise on a name for the children. There is no reason why either person needs to give up their respective names.

funny

I love how the progressives force their views on other people.

likefunnysmart

Yes talking about the fiancé

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She's anchoring high. Classic negotiation technique. She's trying to get you to come to the decision of not changing her name.

likesmart

If you have to negotiate with your SO like this on crucial life decisions then they're probably not the best partner for you...

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If feminism is about gender equality, and you both identify as feminists, then you both should be able to keep your own names. If her brand of feminism is women above men, because of years of patriarchy then it's no longer gender equality.

Keep both your names. Or don't, I'm just an internet stranger giving life advice

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Feminism is a noun with a definition. Here it is. Like I said… equality is baked into feminism. It’s a fact. If there’s a movement around superiority of women that’s not based in equality of the sexes then it’s not feminism. Because words mean things.

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I’d drop her

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This discussion will come up again when you will have kids, might be good to resolve everything at once. Good luck !

likehelpful

Is this the first 🚩 you’ve noticed? There MUST be more you’re not telling us

likesmart

I love that she asked. Can you just say no?

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So she wants you to take her name for the sake of "progressiveness"? You need to think hard about your relationship.

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Update below

Just tell her you would rather keep your own last name. Share that it was your intention for each of you to keep your own. If she’s serious about marriage, she should respect your boundary.

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Is your last name “Schittferbrans” and hers “Kennedy”? In that case it may be worth considering.

Otherwise it is a little out there and I’d be uncomfortable with it too. Did she propose to you also?

likefunny

What about her last name hyphen your’s?

funnylike

If you disagree tell her now. If you're not comfortable deciding that at this point, be clear about that too. There's nothing wrong with taking some time to reflect (and telling her to back off in the process)

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Food for thought: what last name will your kids get should you choose to have them

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Depends whose last name sounds cooler. If hers was Skywalker I’d totally take her name. 👍

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In my 1st marriage we both decided to design a new last name that represented our relationship.

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Lol! I reverted back to my original last name when the relationship ended.
In my current marriage we both kept our original last names. My wife has her last name and I have mine. I have no clue what will happen when we have kids though.

I consider myself a very progressive person. Me and my wife didn’t change names and our kid carries her name last because I think it is just fair since she carried the child and no matter how much I try to divide chores things would always falls more on moms. (Breastfeeding etc)

So I think it is very contradictory when women say they are very progressive and then demands something like engagement ring which is a very patriarchal thing.

So OP, see where she stands on other issues and go from there. Ultimately you should be able to keep your name (or an hyphenated combo of your and hers, which is actually cool) But remember if you plan to have kids that will become an issue there too. So think ahead on how you will deal with that too.

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A couple friends of mine hyphenated both people's names; name that was alphabetically first went before the hyphen. That feels like a better solution here

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Love this!

Does this come with a vasectomy too?

likefunny

F feminist here — Id not ask my bf to take my name… that’s not really a question about whether or not you or her are feminist. There’re feminist arguments on both sides.

One way you could approach it with her is by having the conversation about why modern women prefer not to take their spouse name. Some Women don’t want to change their name because of the history behind the name change (ie you’re your husband’s possession). I’d just ask her why she thinks it’s good that women don’t change their name after marriage anymore and apply all her arguments to your situation.

Another progressive argument is regarding kids — society has to understand that a kid can have parents with different family names (that’s a big issue for professional women who don’t want to change their name, people think their kids are not theirs bc they don’t have the same name). So, not changing your name could actually be a feminist decision to support women who don’t change their name and push forward changes in the society’s perception.

Another argument is your career… youve been presenting yourself under a certain name for years, and now you’ll have to change it. Such a change sometimes create confusion and can be very annoying/ waste of energy.

Finally, changing name is a LOT of paperwork and huge waste of time/energy.

There’re are other arguments that you could find in women bowls here… it’s a very common topic of discussion for professional women! 😉 I think most of the time women change their name for kids (as I mentioned above) and because they don’t like their family name.

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A3 as a man I fully agree. But also I disagree with having the father's name/surname. As parents we are merely custodians of our children and eventually they will forge their own paths & identity. I've never liked the concept of naming human beings as though they are someone's property

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OP can we get an update? Have you had “the talk”?!

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Update posted below

Does she have a cool last name? Like are you Patel and she’s Rothschild? Are you Stevens and she’s Rockefeller? Are you Dobson and she’s Kardashian?

I’d side with her for any of those…. Everything else, hell naw

likefunny

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