{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Been with my s/o for 13 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs. She had a really rough upbringing which caused severe anxiety and depression. I tried splitting up but I could sense she was unraveling and we'd always end up back together. Eventually I felt so stuck/got so sick of it that I went to grad school out of state (wasn't the right move i know but I couldn't get through to her that it was taking a toll). Long distance sucked, and her depression turned into suicidal behavior. (Cont).", "post_id": "5f67982b998060002180e576", "reply_count": 4, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "Coronavirus Work-life" }

Been with my s/o for 13 years. We have had a lot of ups and downs. She had a really rough upbringing which caused severe anxiety and depression. I tried splitting up but I could sense she was unraveling and we'd always end up back together. Eventually I felt so stuck/got so sick of it that I went to grad school out of state (wasn't the right move i know but I couldn't get through to her that it was taking a toll). Long distance sucked, and her depression turned into suicidal behavior. (Cont).

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Cont - I felt even worse because I knew i was the only source of her support because she didn't have anyone in her family to lean on. So, I did my best to keep her happy from afar until I moved back. She has always had trouble hearing me about my issues because of her own struggles of thinking no one loves her. We discussed marriage for a while this year, but covid finally caused me to snap and I completely lost it and broke down with all the stuff I'd been harboring for a while finally came out. For the first time in our time together she sat quietly and told me she finally "heard" me. I credit it her because she finally took the plunge with therapy and it has helped her deal with a lot of things. I told her that her behavior has led me to have my own severe bouts of depression and anxiety, but because of how bad she had it I had to keep my shit together. Last couple months I've just been angry and upset thst it took me so long to get this out and part of me thinks I wasted my entire 20s taking care of her and I told her I resented her for this. To her credit she has given me as much space as I need and I've admittedly been an asshole, because I'm at a point where I don't really want to give a shit about anything. I'm really lost and confused because my mind is telling me to walk away, but my heart is telling me to not abandon her (quite possibly from the PTSD associated with the few times I have and thinking she will harm herself, something she has told me repeatedly she doesn't think about anymore). Im well aware of her biological clock and feel guilty that if we break up she might not have the chance for kids without risk. We have a house together and the logistics of co-owning a ton of stuff is also adding stress for me if we were to separate. Ultimately I have no idea what to do and just feel stuck.

Go see a lawyer (for the joint asset questions)+obgyn specialist (for pregnancy support in case you want to take that on u e.g., paying for freezing eggs, iv) +psychiatrist ( for your and so’s mental health), then decide what to do

So sorry you’re going through this. The part that concerns me the most is that after 13 years of anxiety and depression hell, she’s only just now started seeing a therapist, and seemingly only prompted by fear of losing you. This doesn’t indicate someone who is intrinsically motivated to change themselves for the better, and huge changes made just to please someone else tend not to stick. I’d recommend getting your own therapist to get an outside perspective and figure out how to move forward.

For your own sanity, it sounds like you need to take a break. Life isn’t a dress rehearsal. What do you want?

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