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Speaking as someone who is in a sexless marriage, don’t marry into one. The sad feeling never goes away.
Have open conversation now and help them seek help, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional reasons.
He was happy while you were away was all I needed to see. Id say its time to move on.
You call it extreme, I call it cutting my loses and not wasting anymore of my life. Especially with someone who seems happier when Im not around and doesnt even want to have sex with me. If it was depression id understand but them being able to turn it off when shes not around wouls be a major red flag to me.
This seems like a sad story
Even if he’s going through a tough time professionally, it’s no reason to take it out on you, and not even try. You’re lucky this is happening before you’re engaged or married and I’d leave now. It’s a bad sign if you have to think about couples therapy before you’re even married. Harder things in life will happen and you need someone that will be a good partner. In the long run, it’s good for both of you as it will allow him to focus on him and you can live your life without being dragged down by someone that doesn’t want to partner with you to get through hard times.
Chief
I would pause the marriage plans…
Rising Star
No you’re NOT crazy to call it quits - his behavior is the same as a very spoiled 7-year old so unless you’re looking to adopt him I’d run now!!!
Chief
Is he depressed? I would feel depressed if I was unemployed for a year not by choice while my partner was thriving (not out of meanness or jealousy but I would feel inadequate). This could be temporary, meaning there’s no reason to throw the relationship away. However, couples therapy would be a great way to confirm if that is the case.
I was waiting for someone to say this. Anytime a man acts an ass, there’s someone that always says “maybe he’s depressed”
Jfc
Enthusiast
You would be crazy to remain with him. Move on OP. I see zero upside. Don’t fall into the trap of sunk cost.
Rising Star
The 5 years is a sunk cost. Stop wasting your life waiting around for something when there are clear red flags. It can be hard to move on but you have to take charge of your life especially since you’re not tied down. Why continue to live an unhappy life in the present.
You are NOT crazy! Better to get out before you are married. I have a friend who is in a similar situation, but her husbands “job hunt” has been going on for 11 years… don’t expect it to get better 😔
Rising Star
This!!
Now that I am back - he has barely left his office. We have an extra bed there and he even slept there 3/4 nights this week.
Am I crazy to want to call it quits? I know he is going through a hard time and I’m trying to be there for him - but am I crazy if I don’t want you to be mean to me? He barely says a word to me. I feel like I am not respected in this house. I can not say anything good. He hates my movie suggestions, tv recommendations but if his friends suggest the same he’ll go ahead and watch it.
I am ok to walk away now. I’ve made up my mind. But should I wait for him to be more stable? I don’t want to be the bitch who left him at his lowest.
Girl leave this loser.
Rising Star
If you can’t solve these problems unmarried, they’re only worse if you are married.
Sexual intimacy takes work. I live with my SO, known eachother 3.5 years, and it’s still hot. I think part of it is because we both have an understanding of maintaining a degree of mystery and seductiveness in our behaviour. If you get TOO comfortable with just discarding a romantic energy, it’s much harder to see your SO in that sexy light.
I was in a similar position before so I can speak to your emotions around “leaving him at his lowest”. We were in a 3 year relationship before I decided to call quits. I broke it off mainly because he had an emtional affair but I realized I should have done it sooner because I felt so free and happy after the breakup.
1. You need to think of yourself first. Just because people should be there for our SO during tough times does not mean you should prioritize their happiness over your own.
2. You’re not that important. Sometimes we overestimate the impact we have on them. If hes truly happier when you’re away, then why stay?
3. You will never be able to ‘save’ them from their problems. Yes, maybe he’ll find a job tomorrow and things will be all good. But there will always be something else that comes up and the situation will fall back into the same patterns. If he’s not happy with his life, change needs to come from within. You being there for him or trying different ways to support him will not change what’s at the core.
I hope you find the clarity and courage to break things off. Best wishes to you!!
You don’t deserve a project. +1 to leaving
Conversation Starter
He’s obviously going though a hard time. I think you need to tell him he needs to change his behavior before just leaving him. You need to have a conversation and make sure he understands the ball is in his court, but I think it’s otherwise unfair you just take off before he understands he’s hanging by a thread
Rising Star
There are a lot of dynamics potentially at play here, some of which may have nothing to do with you. Or maybe he’s become a jerk, and it’s time to move on. Try couples therapy before walking away. Best decision I ever made. If you two have a chance at moving forward, couples therapy will help reveal that and help you both get your needs met. If the relationship has run its course, therapy will reveal that as well, at which point you can move on with peace.
Frankly, I believe couples therapy is a must for any big transition, especially getting married. So it would be a good idea for your relationship anyway. That said, you want to be thrilled going into a marriage, so consider pausing that while you two sort through the current challenges.
It sounds like he also needs to be in 1:1 therapy.
Rising Star
This situation after 5 years and no solid plan for next steps is too much. He's disrespectful and also resentful it seems. This is his time to impress and he's acting like this? It will only get worse.
Please feel empowered to make decisions that are best for you based on the facts and reality you see. You don't need to wait for anyone. Be smart💡 ... and run.
Rising Star
OP, it’s worth considering the sources of the advice on this thread. Perhaps specify whether you’re seeking advice from married women or women in long-term relationships, or if you’d rather hear the perspectives of women who are dating and in their 20s. I’m seeing a lot of Instagram/tiktok language and mentality on this thread, which often doesn’t take into account the experience and realities of long-term relationships.
Maybe it IS time for you to walk away, I can’t answer that for you. But as with all internet advice, do consider whether the source is someone who has actually achieved what you want.
Not saying to follow my advice on my earlier comment even. You may not want what I have, either.
Out of all the advice on this group I think I went with yours. Just wanted to let you know.
I had a long talk with him and at the end he said he agrees and realized during our conversation that he’s being a jerk to me and not putting in any effort in our relationship while all I’m trying to do is support him.
I call him out when he is wasting time etc. so he is like I guess somewhere unknowingly I have started to associate your presence with getting to business. While I was away he could just put a pin in his problems and just ignore the issue altogether. I’m a physical reminder that he needs to find a new job etc. etc.
He agreed to try therapy and also just within the last 3-4 days I have seen a behavior shift. I can see him make an effort and meet me in the middle. I also really liked how he responded to our conversation. I felt it was very mature and I don’t think if the tables were turned I could have stayed so calm and accepted my mistakes.
Thank you!
Happiness comes from within. Nothing you can say or do will help until he decides he needs to make himself happier and takes steps to make that a reality. It's a him thing not a you thing. Until he makes that decision the person you should focus on is you.
Do whatever will make you happier with you and your life. And only you know what that is.
Move on. Right now.
So many familiar elements to my dating stories in my 20s. I too wasted too much time on men who hate your happiness, success, friends just because they don’t have it. I too stayed for a charity project, feeing guilty to leave a man at his lowest, which almost cost me the opportunity with my now husband. Everyday you stay with this guy (from what you wrote, I can say you do not and will not love and respect again) is a day you owe yourself to be happy.
Pro
I hate to say this…. But it is time for both of you to MOVE ON. You will much happier a year from now.