Big law moms? Are you okay? Does it get better? Officially a second year with a two year old and a five year old and I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My mental health is not very good.

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It gets better. My three kids are now 23, 21 and 18. I’ve been at my firm for 30 years and I’m an equity partner. There were trade offs at the office (never could shake the mommy mantle, never should’ve gone to 80 percent, passed on comp scale by far-younger colleagues with SAH spouses, etc.) but the kids are good (knock on wood), I’ve got great clients, and the money allows us to give the kids debt-free college degrees. There have been and still are low points, but the level of control increases with each year. Take care of your health first and foremost.

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Wow - as a single childless woman in big law, just want to say that you are a superhero to me (and I am rooting for you).

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Same! Big law second year here, no kids yet. My mom was a lawyer (regional big law) and became a partner when I was very young. She was always my hero and role model. Now that I’m an attorney trying to do this without kids, I’m even more in awe of people like you and my mom. Stay strong, we are rooting for you!

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Also a second year with a toddler and pregnant. I’m drowning and nobody seems to care. I’m so sick of hearing men say they know how hard it is working from home with kids without acknowledging that their stay at home wife takes care of everything.

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Nope not okay. Mom to a 6 month old and also still working from home bc covid and struggling with never having a moment to wind down. Grateful for the extra time with my son but it means putting him to bed and going back to work. To the person’s point who commented above me....maybe it would be better if I could be in the office without taking cuddle breaks...Or maybe it’s like this forever 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ stay tuned. I have to say though the working from home may be a blessing I disguise because right now I can’t stomach going the office and only getting an hour with him per day.

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Hate to be a downer - but no, it doesn’t. I have 3 kids. Dropped to 75 percent. As a litigator, I was very careful to plan ahead - briefs were ready to go early discovery responses too. But then you have to deal with make partners who don’t plan ahead and decide Friday at 5 that something MUST be done by Monday.... sigh.

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I just want to clarify that despite a few months during Covid, my kids have always gone to daycare or school when I’ve worked from home. I find it impossible to be productive with them at home. But wfh allows me to cut out commute time, do things like pop in for lunch with my second grader, and spend more time with them generally. Something about being home, as opposed to an office, eases my anxiety as well. So all of that combined has led me to look at WFH as a necessary element to my mental health these days.

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My heart is breaking for you all! One small thing that helped me was seeking out work from / getting informal mentoring from the ONE male partner who had a working wife. He got it. No other partner did.

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I’m in the same boat as you but a bit farther along. It’s tough but if you can persevere it is quite an accomplishment to be able to manage your family and your law practice. My suggestions are that you make time for your mental health (ie exercise, meditation, putting the kids to bed early and drinking wine, whatever works for you) and throw 100% into your work during the workday. When I was about five years in, my boss let me work from home full time, which really helped with my mental health. But I don’t think I would have been given that privilege if I hadn’t worked so hard before.

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I don’t think it necessarily does . Law firm work is demanding; children are demanding. If your partner can pick up/some of the emotional-mental work then maybe it works.

Perhaps make it another 3 years in the firm then find work where there is more of an opportunity for balance.

Balance is hard no matter the job, but much of the struggle is internal. If you are at work, work. If you are with your family, truly be with them. Do not waste time feeling guilty.

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You’re in the thick of it. Give it time. It absolutely does get easier. A lot easier. With more money. The only way out is through. You can do this.

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I hear you and feel your pain. I just decided yesterday to accept an internal compliance job at at a bank and leave my big pay cut firm life. I am optimistic and have deliberated long and hard over this decision. It’s the right move for me now. I’ll miss the pay check but I’m excited to be able to come home and just turn my damn phone off and give my 2 year old undivided attention. I didn’t have a spouse who could step up in his area so everything felt like it was on my shoulders. I just wish you the best of luck. Keep breathing and whatever you decide will be the best for you. Just have faith.

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I ended up taking a pay cut to go to a firm with a lower hours requirement and less travel. That worked for me but it might not be the answer for everyone.

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