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Black Consultants

Black men dating in your late 20’s or thirties, what made you decide commit to a relationship or get engaged? Inversely, what has made you run away? Is it a myth that black men don’t like to be in a relationship with black women who have professional careers (doctor, lawyer, consultant engineer, etc) because we are too independent and men want to be providers? I’m trying to figure out why so many beautiful, successful, black women are single. Your feedback will be used for my own development

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Married BM here. Wife of nearly 8 years is a professional BW. What made her stand out among professional BW I dated before her? She let go of perfectionism. I was a work in progress when we met. I had been laid off and was struggling with both credit card and student loan debt. I was struggling to navigate my job search and make my family proud, because I’m a first gen college graduate. Many of our dates were “hangouts” at my place or hers because I couldn’t afford much more than take out. But she never questioned or judged me. This was refreshing because I had more than my fair share of dating situations with BW end badly because I wasn’t fitting some “black love” image of courtship or the other half of a “black power couple” (yet). I proposed with a $70 ring, and we had a VERY modest ceremony because I didn’t want to be on the hook with her family for anything lavish. She has told me all the “WTH are you doing? Are you sure he’s on your level?” advice her friends were giving her. (They are all still single). For our 5 year anniversary, I was able to give her the proposal she deserved as I upgraded her ring and hosted our loved ones over dinner and dancing at her favorite restaurant. I’m grateful every day for her patience. My advice: let go of perfectionism. That’s YOUR dream. That may not be his. Hell, it may not even be reality.

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I love this story. There’s almost nothing more sexy to a man than a woman willing to be patient with him. There are not many that would be patient. FYI. This is my opinion seeing how critical this forum can be.

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The two women that I dated before I met my wife were both African American; my wife is a latina. I dated the last woman for 9 months before she said that I was a great guy but she didn’t want a relationship to get in the way of her career. It seems like a lot of the African American, I say African American specifically and not just black, expected me to just be waiting around for marriage once you finish grad/professional school. Like marriage was the capstone to finish everything. It seems like my wife came at things differently. She asked how can we make this relationship work as partners and still accomplish our goals. Since she was willing to work with me, I was willing to work with her. I’d also hate to be the only person working. I understand one of us having to take time out from work temporarily to finish school more quickly or something like that. But me being the sole “provider” wouldn’t work for me. I’m not even sure where this idea comes from. I didn’t know a single black couple growing up where the woman was a house wife. I always just assumed that people were automatically talking about white women when talking about stay at home wives. My wife is an RN and speaks three languages. You being educated is not the problem.

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Deloitte 4, I have no idea where this order comes from. Both of my maternal grandparents graduated from HBCUs but they were married and had two small children before my grandmother finished. But they had a really strong support system. My great grandmother kept my mom and my aunt for two years while my grandmother went to school to finish. My grandmother had family that she stayed with for really cheap, and my grandfather stayed home and worked on his electrical contracting business.

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likefunny
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Never understood why you wouldn’t want to settle down with a black successful woman. They would marry a white successful woman (I see it often) so is success really the root here?

likefunnyhelpful
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💥

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This is 100% a myth. To my kind, successful women in Chicago, hit my line!

likefunnyuplifting
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Hello 👋🏾

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Sometimes it’s serendipity. Nobody likes to admit it, because it implies love isn’t everything. For example, and I’ve never told my wife this, I dated a woman for five years and she was perfect but I was too immature and messed it up. After six agonizing months of self-reflection, I moved on and wife was the next serious woman I dated (four years later tho). Do I love my wife? Absolutely. Is it the same as the deep passionate love I felt with my ex? No. Am I a better counterpart? Absolutely. Do I have regrets? Ask me tomorrow (which will always be my answer).

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D1, I never refuted this point (although I think if you read the original post, this was a question, not a point). Additionally, you’re trying to turn this into an argument where none exists. Feel everyone here is being good-faith interlocutors but you, and you’re trying to hammer home a point that, broadly, we all agree on. Feel like I’ve been open and honest and you’re spitting back hot takes and closing debate in an attempt to get us all to agree on a point that, again, no one is refuting. Can we move beyond laboring this point and you share what we can do to help this situation?

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I’m going to be seated when I read this.

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Generalization galore above. black men aren’t monolithic. Black men love all (doctors lawyers engineers etc) I have college educated friends married to doctors I have some married to women who aren’t educated. We love who we love just as other races

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@Consultant, part of the reason is that there are just more college educated black women when compared to black men. If every college educated black man only married a college educated black woman, there would still be plenty of single college educated black women. Unlike white folks, there was never really any significant difference in our college completion rates. I’ve seen Census data that has our college completion rates almost equal (like there was only a .2% difference) all the way back in the 40’s.

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If this isn’t the dumbest sh*t!! A “myth that black men...”? 🙄 Nevermind, I’m going to bed... 😒

likefunnysmart
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No. The question is valid.

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Just because someone has a high level work title doesn’t mean they’re all that in a relationship. You may be a10 at work but a 5 in relationships. So let’s not generalize but realize that you attract who and where you are.

likehelpful
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Agree with the first portion for sure. The second part is fraught with complexity for BW. For several reasons, and in general, BW’s dating / marriage market value seems to be the lowest.

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Black Male here. was going to marry whoever my heart fell in love with and she happened to be black and high performing professional and married now close to 2 decades. I see absolutely no reason to have any other criteria but love in order to decide who to marry. Everything can change but love perseveres.

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Eh I guess @c2. I guess it helps that I’m more physically attracted and find a sense of acceptance amongst BW compared to other races, so with that said, I’m still actually marrying who I love. I never said I would marry a BW to whom I didn’t love. Does that make sense?

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I just made a decision to pursue the woman I liked in college. Yes, it’s a myth.

likehelpfulfunny
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And my wife is Black as hell. To be clear.

likeuplifting
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It’s true, to some degree. I think we’re in a place where we aren’t as reliant on “traditional norms” to substitute for real feels or boundaries. A lot of that old school type of thinking was the reason those “strong Black relationships” became a thing. Looked like love, but only on the surface. Now? We want different things and we’re being honest about it. Men are trying to determine what they have and how they exist outside of patriarchy and so are women. It’s a transition period that feels uncomfortable, but honestly it might be for the best.

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I think talking about patriarchy in the context of black Americans makes little sense. I can understand if we’re talking about people from black majority countries, but in our context it just doesn’t make sense.

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Black women tend to only want to date black men. That’s a limited pool of men who may be at your level depending on how high up the ladder you’ve climbed. “The system” has made it difficult for our men to progress no matter what you believe, the statistics exist to prove this. That said, instead of saying “black men don’t date successful black women” think through what circles you’re putting yourself in and whether you’re approachable. I’m a black woman btw. I’m in my 30s and unwed but I’ve shifted how I date. I decided I would date outside my race but I also decided I would give people chances that I wouldn’t have at 27, 28, etc and it has worked favorably.

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O1 love this for you!

likefunny
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Because there are a lot more of them.

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I think the culture sets us (BM and BW) to be each other’s enemies when we should be helping each other. I married a professional black woman who made, at the time, more money than me. I found her independence is what helped her cultivate the things that I was attracted to. Marriage altogether is difficult when you are trying to make two individuals with their own upbringing, thoughts, opinions together on the same page. The culture (music, movies, books,etc.) usually falls into patterns that put us against each other (N’s are trifling, they just want money. Also much of the music focuses on women being single and not needing a man, when if you look at the singers’ private lives they themselves are married. Until we start celebrating black love and marriage and celebrating singlehood without putting others’ down, this will continue to be a problem. It also comes down to timing. I’m in my late 30s now and remember when these now single ladies my age were dating around and thought they had all these choices in men and were very picky about who they would be with. Time moved forward and the man will choose a younger version of the same stats every time.

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I have absolutely nothing against black women in any capacity. My only fiance in my 20s was a black woman. She decided she hadn't lived enough and wanted to "explore". I dated a few more black women after her. Now I'm early 30s with a Latina. Was literally just by chance, not really a sought after situation. I think at this point I won't have to worry about that "I haven't experienced enough" bug.

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You sound just like me. I’m currently married to a latina, the woman that I dated before my wife was an African American women who thought I was a good guy but didn’t want a relationship to slow down her career.

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OP check out this book 👇🏾 Some of the chapters talk about it

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Single 30 year old BM here. As an HBCU graduate I would say this is a myth there is black love up and down my timeline all day everyday and I think it’s beautiful. Now me being single I wouldn’t say I’m “running away” from a relationship but I’ve found it extremely difficult (not impossible) to be as career minded as a lot of us in here probably are and put in the time some people require of us. My last relationship was about 5 years ago I was working a full time job and going to class at night for my MBA and my girlfriend at the time was a Veterinarian (a black woman) and she just wasn’t with the time commitment. Since that relationship and graduating I moved into the consulting field where I’m no longer working a 40-45 hr work week . I’ve dated here and there but it’s difficult.

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