Boyfriend of two months ended a 4 year relationship in 2018
He sometimes feels sad if memories of his ex are mentioned (he broke up with her, took her back and then she cheated and left him for someone else). Is this normal or should I be concerned he’s not over it? He’s 29 now and they dated from 22-26

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Be concerned he’s not over it.
Sounds like you’re the rebound.

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If he hasn’t dated anyone seriously since that breakup, yes you could be the rebound.

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I would talk to him about your fears. Being cheated on can be a trauma. Even if he doesn’t still want to be with her, he can be sad at what he went through.

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Thank you! That’s true. The other day he said I’m sharing something very traumatic that I went through. I’ll be patient, I just want him to be okay.

Be patient and let him process the break up. Sometimes people need a little extra time to fully move on.

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I broke up with my boyfriend 7 years ago and some things make me sad. He's never going to forget someone he dated for FOUR years. The thing to pay attention to is how much he is affected by it. Being said for a few brief moments on their anniversary date is one thing. Holing up in the bedroom for the day is another thing entirely

Perfecting not to vacation in spots where they made memories, one thing. Being completely adamant about never going to that spot again, another thing.

Everyone has baggage, and the longer they were in a relationship, the harder it is to just forget. And quite honestly, I don't think I would want to be with someone who was able to just get over a 4 year relationship. I would question how deeply they love and/or if they feel things that they will never show me.

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I would say if he is bringing it up frequently then he may still have some things to work through before getting in a relationship (I found this out the hard way with the last guy I date). That being said though, it’s normal for something like that to be traumatic obviously so it’s reasonable for it to be on his mind while getting to know people. If it’s not coming up all the time and it just gets him down when something triggers him then I’d just be respectful of that and reassure him you are there for him…..also suggest he see a therapist maybe?

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This is normal, especially if he hasn't processed these feelings before with anyone

Does he see a therapist?

I'd be glad he feels emotionally safe enough to share. But also, you don't have to be his therapist if you feel like it's too much for you to handle. There's a way to respect his feelings and your capacity at the same time

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I think the most important thing I’ve learned in emotional processing is that there’s no timeline.

In my experience, things come up mentally/emotionally with a vengeance when we’re ready to finally heal from it. It’s possible he dated other people without fully feeling safe and secure enough to open up and share the wounds.

Knowing this part of him helps you to understand how your partner came to be who they are and he’s giving you all of the tools to understand so that in the event of misunderstanding or conflict, you might understand where his mind gets stuck or triggered.

Again, very useful information. Fixating on the time ignores the broader context of the world and his life. I mean, for the last year and a half, has anyone really had time to process anything?

3 years isn’t actually a lot IMp, especially if he’s not in contact. And you can totally support his process!

I think you should ask why it bothers him (like what about it, what did it make him believe about himself, etc) and use that to know the best way you can love him is to make him feel the opposite of whatever that was.

Show him you’re not scared of the feeling/are willing to engage. That is, if you want it to be serious..!

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Has he ever gone to therapy? He honestly may have never really processed it, although he’s been dating other people. Do you think you could bring it up without him taking offense?

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