{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Dating an older man (he’s mid 40s, I’m mid 20s). We are pretty serious so we are having open conversations about money and whatnot. We just split the cost of a trip 50/50, which was a bit of a push for me but I did it anyways. When talking about future trips, I mentioned that I cannot always split the cost down the middle because I can’t afford as much as he can. I make 100k, he makes ~900k. He retorted that he has so many more expenses than me (which is true... mortgages, etc.) but that (cont.)", "post_id": "60a2fe4db4cd48002257d2d7", "reply_count": 317, "vote_count": 19, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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Dating an older man (he’s mid 40s, I’m mid 20s). We are pretty serious so we are having open conversations about money and whatnot. We just split the cost of a trip 50/50, which was a bit of a push for me but I did it anyways. When talking about future trips, I mentioned that I cannot always split the cost down the middle because I can’t afford as much as he can. I make 100k, he makes ~900k. He retorted that he has so many more expenses than me (which is true... mortgages, etc.) but that (cont.)

likefunnyhelpful
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I make a multiple of my husband. We met he had student loans. He moved into my home and we split equitably. Part of a relationship is willingness to engage in difficult conversations on topics that will make one feel vulnerable in a respectful manner that meets your partner where they are. Money is just one example. I promise there are more complex and sticky conversations that can arise, and please consider how unfortunately the way people treat money as a tool for power dynamics and worth. You clearly value him and your relationship enough to meet his wants above your typical means. He doesn’t. You deserve that equal treatment. Marriage (if you want that!) or serious long term relationships will never be wholly “equal” in terms of money. But you need to have two people who mutually respect one another’s needs when communicated. It sounds like he isn’t interested in that. Hope you find the light you’re looking for, but know that a partner who will do that for you exists!

likeupliftinghelpful

For what it’s worth OP, I don’t think any of your requests were unreasonable. It sounds like he is blind to seeing value in relationships in anything other than monetary / transactional terms. That’s always going to be a huge problem when partners have a disparity in income because it is a disparity in power - at least in purchasing power which he is exploiting to establish power in other areas of the relationship.

The people who have criticized expectation of payment bewilder me - unsure whether they are just capitalist evangelicals or whether the same people who hurt your dude also hurt them... but I would like to add a reminder that healthy relationships try to compromise and find solutions (which you did, OP!) and partners who are invested in building a future together tend to be generous and honest with one another.

List of random other thoughts about “Ole’ Scroogeboy”:
- if he made so much money but has as much as you left over then he’s got some serious problems/explaining to do

- his push for y’all’s lifestyle is going to stymie your own financial goals

- maybe financial goal conversations would be easier to understand each other and what’s affordable for each of you (I.e. if he can’t afford certain items because he has child support and is trying to catch up on retirement and cannot afford to foot the difference in trips - then he should consider your advice and take your lead in vacation planning)

-THERE IS OTHER VALUE THAN MONEY IN RELATIONSHIPS
(Classic example is SAHM/D) In relationships, we often help our partners or provide emotional support and nurturing- and a whole laundry list of other stuff. If y’all are still talking then this is worth broaching

- Finding solutions to meet in the middle or asking one partner to carry more responsibility in a financial burden is not crazy. It is literally the same concept in taxes and tithing across religions that $ values mean different things as a % to people with different incomes (presumably because more income gives you more ability). That’s not a statement that supports nor thinks you’ve asked for him to pay your entire way - but literally - he’s your partner and you’re giving 99% and I’m not convinced that what constitutes 99% for you financially is even 35% for him... but more damning still is that emotionally you’re giving a shit ton and he’s just giving shit.

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What’s the point of dating this old guy if he is so cheap anyway. Feels like a really bad deal on you end. Find a young attractive guy that respect you and you can build the future together

likefunnysmartupliftinghelpful

👏👏👏👏 THIS, C1. My husband and I have had our income and net worth grow tenfold since we started dating 11 years ago.

OP you deserve better than this guy.

Oh honey. He is way too old and experienced to not know better. He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. He thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, and that you’re too young/naive to see through it. He thinks he can throw ridiculous claims like “after expenses we make the same” and expect you to believe it. An 800k income gap, cheap af and around the corner from being in his 50’s. What exactly IS this man bring to the table?

likefunnyupliftingsmarthelpful

👏👏👏

If a guy makes that much more to you it feels cheap to me that he’s making you split down the middle. I second the person who says you may as well find someone younger.

likefunny

It’s tough I know a guy who is super generous with friends eg always feeds us and gets us expensive wine but he doesn’t call his friends ubers because he doesn’t like how it feels...
Let us know how things work out

(Cont.) ... at the end of the day (after expenses) he probably ends up with the same amount of money in the bank as I do.... I know this isn’t true.... I end up with like $800 in my bank after my paycheck and expenses.... I know he has like $20k at any given time. My friend was kind of alarmed that he had this mindset, that he wouldn’t want to split things proportionally. Thoughts? It made me feel weird

likeupliftingsmarthelpful

gross. find someone who appreciates you more than he appreciates his bank account.

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Then take a cheaper trip.

likefunny

You both need to find a partner better suited for each of you. In no way is he obligated to subsidize your lifestyle. That’s prostitution if there’s any kind of expectation.

likesmartfunny

Forget the vacations, I’d be more concerned that he makes that much and claims to not actually pocket that much after expenses. What are his expenses?! He is even financially responsible?

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I don’t think he pays her alimony, she’s remarried and her hubby makes lots of money lol

Very odd mentality when there’s such a big income gap. I find that when someone has that mindset with money, they often aren’t very generous in other aspects of life either.

likesmart

Thanks for the support! I agree with both of you. And no, you’re right - I don’t really want to be with someone like that.

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So many “independent” women here who are in reality exposing their gold digger values. Unless you are married you have no right to demand a guy pay for your trip, even if there is a huge delta in income. My SO makes more but has lots of student debt and we are not married yet so I always ensure I carry equal financial burden. If you can’t afford it and he’s not willing to cover you just simply say NO to the vacation and stick to a lifestyle you can actually afford.

What if it was the other way around and you were the high earners. Would you be okay paying for your bf all the time?

likefunny

P1. My personal experience is that It is impossible to ignore income levels in a relationship. If senior consultant
‘s bf really does earn 900k and she earns 100k - he has to make some choices and not stress her out financially. She was transparent and told him she could not afford his lifestyle. So wether it is male or female when one person in the relationship says they cannot afford the lifestyle of the other. There are 2 choices - amend your lifestyle down(from a spending perspective) or pay the incremental difference to maintain your lifestyle.

I had super wealthy SO for over 10 years who stayed in private Villas in Vegas, rented super yatchs, did not fly commercial, regularly spent 800 on a dinner Ect. . As a partner who earned a good income in a big four I told him I cannot afford this - I can afford xyz and his comment was “no problem, I will pay for you as this is the lifestyle I want”. A lot of people accused me of being a gold digger and yet I earned seven digits. I was not a gold digger I happened to fall in love with a man and he with me.

I now date a guy that earns 4x less than me - I like 5 star hotels so I pay as he cannot afford them and I want to stay in five star vs 3 star. It is “math” not about being a gold digger.

Personally I think sr cons is showing way more maturity in her mid 20s then some middle aged man. Most men earning 900k would either pay for their parents to stay in a hotel or get a hotel for he and his girlfriend.
.

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If you haven’t been together that long he may be assessing if you are a gold digger. Ask for cheaper trips and budgeting together.
But it’s a super red flag that he is so cheap if he makes 10 times more he can put a bit more

likefunny

Yeah, then that is just not cool.

like

Red flag. Maybe put your budgets on paper and compare them. He is older and lives a different lifestyle than you and shouldn’t expect you to cover half of everything

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I’m with your friend.

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Doesn’t matter what you like about him. He’s 20 years your senior and that’s not something to brush over. In addition you said he makes 900k??And he’s asking you to split the bill? Are you kidding?

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Thank you MS1 😂 I appreciate it. I mean, he’s wealthy but he clearly doesn’t manage his money right or is very selfish with it - which is a no go for me. You’re also right about the age thing.

A4 you’re right. That’s exactly how I feel and and I know it’s not right, so that’s why I brought the issue up here. I’m definitely going to cut this off because it’s not a healthy dynamic.

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Tell him you cannot go on the trips then. Your trips don’t have to be fancy and if the expectations are 50/50 then the person that is less willing to pay should and has the power to push back and say “this is nice but out of my budget. We have these options.
Option 1: we split 50/50 and decrease the budget to something I can afford. This means it will less fancy and there are sacrifices in luxury.
Option 2: if you are not willing to go on the type of trip within my budget then we can still go but I would need you to cover more than 50%.
Option 3: We don’t go on a trip if we cannot agree “

There are options beyond having to give into a budget you feel uncomfortable paying or asking him to pay more.

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Damn. I don’t understand how OP’s comments triggered some of the actions here. Why are you all so quick to judge OP and no one is unpacking the power dynamics at play here. Let’s unpack the life experience that OP’s SO has to manipulate the situation because a mid-40s yo man has that life experience when OP is trying to develop a relationship with someone. If this man feels jaded by OP, he needs to work on himself and go to therapy before entering a relationship.

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Before you take any more trips, you need to have more than $800 in the bank as an emergency fund. With your income, you should be able to do better than that.

likehelpful

Yes AD1

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Sis. Don’t walk, run. 🚩

likehelpful

This is a bouquet of red flags. Get out of this situation as fast as you can.

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Nice take! I'm going to commit your metaphor to memory.

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Also I was wondering why all the comments were so positive and constructive and realized this was posted in women in consulting not single consultants lol. You ladies rock!!!

likefunny

Sorry, but I have to question how “serious” he is.
And for anyone who makes $900k and doesn’t have a tremendous amount of discretionary spending money left over after expenses, I would question their spending/saving habits. Does he just blow it? Live too high of a lifestyle?

like

If he really does make that much then he's just really bad with his money... investment properties, fancy car costs, etc. aren't "expenses"

Op, everyone in this bowl is looking out for you. Hope you get your head cleared after seeing all the comments. He has married before so he is probably paying alimony. Guys who have married and paying alimony are extremely unlikely to get married again. He is just using you because you are young, native and attractive. Please leave him, he is not worth your peak years. Please, please, please thinking about you future.

likesmart

This is messed up. First of all, why isn’t he with someone his own age? Second of all, why was he single at 45? Does he not believe in marriage? Does he want a family? Does he already have one? What is he looking for? Money issues aside, the age gap would make me question his intentions. Now for the issue at hand $$....this might be crass to say, but everything has a value. Your youth is valuable....very valuable especially because he doesn’t have it. It may be one of the biggest reasons he is with you coming from a cynic. You will never get these years back. This is when you are the most fit, most attractive, and if you want a family, most fertile. It would be one thing if he was also young, but he is not. He is very likely in worse shape, out of his sexual prime with less years ahead of him. “Gold diggers” exist because men are willing to pay for youth....bc again, it’s valuable. This is especially a slap in the face bc he is ABLE to pay and refuses to do so by gaslighting you. Maybe he wants to make sure you are with him not just for his money, but the fact of the matter is you have so much more to lose opportunity-wise and he sounds pretty self-interested. Would he still be with you if you were 20 years older? If you have even the slightest doubt he would, he should be paying up, sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️ don’t waste your youth on this over-the-hill miser.

likesmart

Absolutely agree with pwc5. All they are trying to say is that he has the MUCH longer end of the stick and he knowingly is exploiting it...

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