{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Did you move in with your partner before or after marriage? What are the pros and cons? Trying to figure out whether it’s a good idea to live with your partner before marriage.", "post_id": "60c404c9cf6f980024c2322a", "reply_count": 69, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting" }

Did you move in with your partner before or after marriage? What are the pros and cons? Trying to figure out whether it’s a good idea to live with your partner before marriage.

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So both sides of this debate are correct in some way. On one hand it is true that living together before marriage allows you to experience what married life will be like before legally tying yourself to that person. Dating and living separately is so different from dating and living together. So it’s a good idea to live together for at least one year before being engaged. On the other hand it is harder to break up living together than separately, so you could “slide” into marriage with someone who isn’t a good match. You can avoid this by only moving in with someone that you hope to become engaged to someday. Have a discussion together about whether you both see engagement in your future, and when that might happen. If a man isn’t ready to have an honest conversation about engagement and marriage then I would say don’t move in with him. But I personally see moving in as like a pre-engagement step.

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100% agree there. Idk if the clarification was needed, but I think all of us "before" people are only suggesting this only for serious, intending-to-get-married, relationships. Do not casually shack up.

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Before! And for at least a year or two before deciding on marriage. Take it from someone who is divorced and now happily remarried. Living together is a vastly different experience, even if you currently have separate households but spend several nights a week together. Combine your stuff, divide household chores, see how your partner actually lives day-to-day, what they’re like when they wake up in the morning and get home from work in the evening. I guarantee that you don’t know them as well as you will after a year of cohabitation. People commenting that if you don’t “know” it’s right without living together first, you don’t really love them/aren’t really committed are being naive. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH, and you will learn that sooner or later if you can’t approach marriage with your eyes wide open.

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You should absolutely live with your partner before marriage. That’s a test run for the real thing.

likesmart

Disagree: start with the commitment. Then navigate the way together, instead of starting with an eye on the exit.

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Don’t move in together if she is still married. Gets really complicated.

likefunnysmart

Hahahahahaha

After..let it be special. If you need to live with someone to know if you are going to make it..are you really that dedicated to them or the idea of them.

likefunny

So less than us, D1. Research shows that it doesn’t really matter after age 23, but living together has some risks.

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Pros: actually learning if your day to day life is compatible to your partner’s Cons: you may “slide” into marriage even if you aren’t 100% sure they are the one because the process of breaking up is that much more complicated when you live together I will share that I am unmarried and have been living with my partner for 2 years. It’s been the right choice for me but have a friend for whom it possibly wasn’t the right choice

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I’ve never heard of the “slide into marriage” thing before. I guess that my mindset toward this is that breaking a lease or getting movers is so much less complicated than getting a divorce. My perspective though is that before I move in with someone that there will be a pretty clear timeline on engagement / marriage (saving some money along the way). I’d agree that to each his/her/their own!

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Many people here are focusing on personal traits but I’d like to introduce the financial side: Living together forces you to discuss finances at least as it relates to shared costs. You get a taste of your SOs approach to saving, spending, etc. Financial disagreements is one of (if not the) leading causes of divorce. Figure this stuff out before marriage.

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Before before before. You learn your partners "worst" traits when living with them. Good to learn those early in case they are deal breakers

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Yes and also as people get older they are more stuck in their ways and habits as are you. Sometimes those are not compatible and you need to know before you decide to spend the rest of your life with them.

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Before - you learn a lot about a person by living with them. I couldn't imagine marrying my husband with no idea of what our lives would be like after marriage because we hadn't lived together.

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Absolutely live together before! Our first year living together was tough, but we worked on it and made me want to marry him more. Waking up next to someone every single day is different than just on the weekends. We were together 5 years before we lived together, 10 before marriage, married for 17 years now.

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My husband is a true night owl- which I love on the weekends. But I can’t stay up past like 10:30 during the week and function at work. I get up at 7, he sleeps in until 10 minutes before he needs to leave. Weeknight routines - dinner, tv, when you go to bed… do you drink nightly? Waking up- do you work out? Sleep in? who showers first? Brush teeth at the same time? Who makes coffee? On the weekends there’s time to take it slow. You probably already know what you like to do Friday/ Saturday night. It’s the little things that make a life. And the little things that can be really, really annoying too.

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Before. Sometimes people just aren’t the same when you live with them. This is happening to my sister right now and it’s a deal breaker.

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Maybe I’ve been in consulting too long, but the word partner gives me trauma. I prefer significant other

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After. What makes a marriage work is constant communication and adjustments. If you two have doubt about doing that with just basic living habits, don’t get married. It’ll save you a lot of headache when things that matter becomes a problem.

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D1 - this is usually just a difference in opinion of what marriage entails for different people.

Before. It just made logistical and financial sense. 20 years together, 11 married. Two kids who are amazing, funny, kind, and smart. One was born before the wedding. It’s plainly offensive to me to think people think any of that wasn’t “special” just because we did it in an order not dictated by American society. 🖕🏻

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Preach!

My wife moved in a couple weeks before the wedding. I come from a traditional Catholic background and wanted to wait till after the wedding, but her lease was up 2.5 weeks before the wedding and we thought it was pointless for her to shell out the extra money for the extension. I'm a big proponent of waiting till marriage.

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Before. I 100% believe you can’t fully know someone until you live with them. They can’t hide the bad pieces of themselves 24/7. And then you get to learn all of their tendencies and what really does and doesn’t bother you about living with them 😉

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Before, that’s how I know I’m not going to marry him.

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I say after but either way, premarital counseling is a must.

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Live together now. The last thing you want is to get married and realize you’re incompatible living together. Way more important if you want to build a life with this person. Marriage will still be special even if you’re already living together.

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We waited but talked extensively about it before. We would also do ‘a week’ at the others persons place frequently. Try living together part time... you don’t have to sign a lease to see if someone is not good at housework, or doesn’t walk the dogs regularly.

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