Do I have the right to be mad or am I nitpicking? Moving a few blocks to another NYC walkup and asked my SO if he could help me move. He scoffed and said “just hire someone. I work so I can pay someone to do this stuff. I’ll just Venmo you $200”... (cont)

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My fiancé and I just moved, and I am not someone who has ever had movers, I’ve always done it myself. It sucks, but there’s also something enjoyable about packing up boxes and running up and down the stairs together. It feels like you’re a team, and you’re accomplishing hard work together.

That being said, I second what someone else posted about love languages. Acts of service vs gifts is spot on.

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If he had said, “hey babe— I really hate moving. But I want to help. Will you let me help pay to hire someone to handle the move?” Would you be mad? Is it the way he said it or that he didn’t show up to physically move your stuff? It’s not about chivalry (which is pretty messed up). It sounds like a mismatch in expectations and surprising delivery. Setting boundaries is good and healthy. But talk to him about his delivery. It needs work.

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Yeah I think if he said it like that, I wouldn’t be as mad. It just seemed uncaring and ungentleman-like, like he is above helping me. I’ll talk to him about the delivery. Thank you!

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Lol I'm kind of a bougie princess and have the same outlook as your boyfriend. Plus he sent money?! A dream

likefunnysmart

I just moved 1.5 times in the past month and now someone I love is moving and I can’t bring myself to help too much :( thankfully she’s hiring people but I was like geez. What’s wrong w me but I can’t bear the thought of doing serious moving

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I am struggling with some of these “he’s a man, he should do this, not chivalrous, etc” types of comments. If the tables were turned - “she’s a woman so she should clean the kitchen / cook when I ask her to, and not just throw money at me for for takeout” how would you feel? I understand that you want him to do ask you ask, but he’s not a servant and doesn’t have to jump every time you ask. Just like you certainly don’t. It’s great that he paid for it though.

likesmart

Yeah I agree. I’m a die hard feminist so I felt weird typing out chivalry but can’t deny it contributed to how I feel. It is a double standard.

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Your man is not your servant. You want help down a walk up and up one? Wtf? Hire someone. Send him my way - I’m in Manhattan & would love a dream man willing to help pay like that.

likefunny

@C1 literally 🤤

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Nah you can be mad.

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cont... I was taken aback because I asked him for a favor as his GF and he just couldn’t be bothered and threw money at it. I felt kinda petty and annoyed and told him to Venmo me then, which he did.

I can’t articulate why I feel upset but I feel like it’s not very chivalrous and loving to write off doing a favor like that. It also seems tacky to immediately Venmo me like I’m another inconvenience he can just overcome with $$$. Thoughts?

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If I may be presumptuous for a second here: I suspect you have some gendered expectations that a man should exert physical effort toward a chore as a sign of his commitment and ability to provide. You are upset because he chose to solve the problem in a way that avoids the physical exertion and it clashes with your gender expectations. Tell me, if you were married and he hired a handyman to fix things up around the house instead of doing it yourself would you be sort of pissed? Now ask yourself if you are ok if he was pissed if you outsourced “female” tasks like cleaning, cooking, or child care. If I am off base, sorry, but if not maybe a re-evaluation of your expectations is a good idea. I know it was for me when I met my SO.

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I mean.... this is the kind of thing that different people have very different ideas about and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about their character. Some people have been taught to not move themselves and to pay others to do that and they think that is normal. Others are used to moving themselves. I wouldn’t get so mad since he may just have different family or personal norms around how to handle moving. If he’s unwilling to help you w other things when you ask, then it’s a pattern of unhelpful ness. But if it’s just this one thing, then I wouldn’t be offended and just respect he sees this task as something you pay people to do. Some see it as similar to hiring a plumber or electrician. I don’t see it that way, but do respect the concept. The older you get and the more you’ve moved the less you want to more and the more you realize it is worth it to hire help than break your back.

likehelpful

That’s a great point. He is the type to pay people for everything. And might not have seen the request as sentimental, like I did.

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You can definitely be peeved as your expectations weren’t meant — especially because he is a man.

However, I am sure you’ve seen some sort of this behavior in the past. If you haven’t you will. You need to decide pretty soon whether or not you need to adjust your expectations like that in the future for this man or decide if this is the man you want in the future.

Talk to him about it.

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Agree, all the comments of expecting it because he is a man are a bit sexist.
It is all about communication, if he doesn’t even move his own stuff, it’s normal that he wouldn’t move yours.
If a woman doesn’t cook for herself, would it be normal for her SO to expect her to cook for him? Or clean, or any other stereotypical “female task”

You don’t need to justify your feelings at here. If this hurts you, then find the best way to communicate your feelings to your SO

likesmart

Omg I love that 😅

funny

I don’t think it’s black and white, and more so a matter of preference. Tbh there’s absolutely nothing wrong if he’s busy and prefers to just hire someone to do it (he even paid for you). You also see some women replied here that they won’t be bothered by that at all.

BUT, your feelings are 100% valid and you should not dismiss that. In a similar case, I also would rather have my bf ACTUALLY help move, then him not showing up in that way (and just paying). I hear you that it is a chivalrous gesture.

I dont think he’s wrong to see things as he did, neither are you. There are nuances of culture that different people feel differently about.

Why don’t you tell him that this matters to you? Just acknowledge that even though it’s nbd to him, it is to you. And you’d love for him to meet your needs in that way, if he is able. In turn, I think how he responds to THAT would speak volumes of his character.

Would he at least acknowledge that’s important to you, and honor that? (Even if he says he couldn’t help now, but totally would if he’s not caught up at work) - Or, will he dismiss that, and try make you see things as he does?

likesmarthelpful

I’ve moved 7 times in nyc it has been equally miserable every time. I used movers every time in all doorman buildings - moving is one of my least favorite things.

His response was snarky AF, which is annoying, but also I would be pretty mad to be asked to help someone move ever, esp to and from a walk up. This is a hugeeee favor to ask IMO

likeuplifting

When I was 26 or 27, I finally paid movers. It was absolutely worth it. Agree with boyfriend - although he could have been smoother on delivery, is in fact on to something

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Where do you live that $200 would cover a move?

likefunny

If you book through uhaul you can book last minute too

Maybe he could have been a bit gentler in his delivery, but I don’t see an issue, he took care of the request. Are you projecting other issues you may have with him?

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OP, I’m with you on this! I would also feel upset if I were you because his initial reaction seems like he doesn’t care or had not put too much thought into even *helping* you out. I guess.. thank him for the money and try talking to him about how you feel and how you would prefer if his initial reaction was different (and pls include examples cuz sometimes boys may not understand what “different” means lol)

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Not someone I’d want to be with long term. That was nice of him to give you such an obvious red flag.

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He is trying to flex on you, no harm in flexxing OP. Just let him know that your love lingo is when ppl help you with things not throw money at you! He sounds like he enjoys throwing money at problems and you don't

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He did the right thing! Gave you money and if it’s not enough, you should thank him and tell him. Be happy.

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I think your man has a solid plan. I’m with him on this one.

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