Do you guys think that cheating means you never loved/you don’t love your partner/spouse? I feel like people are devastated when they find out their partner has cheated, but in my opinion, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or never have.

It is def hard work to have a successful relationship. I feel like if more couple spoke about exploring ethically and with rules/consent, things would be much better tbh. What ya think?

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I think it’s a cop out. I think it’s a rationalization to have your cake and eat it too. A booty call isn’t going to be there when you get sick and take care of you when crap hits the fan. It sounds like you want the best of both worlds: safe, loving relationship and the excitement of strange/new sex.
As you get older you’re going to realize that sex with someone you actually love is incredible…and always better then ‘porn’ sex.

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My wife and I are in our earlier 30s and we barely have sex anymore. She just doesn’t want to. We’re both in really good shape and I consider us both attractive. Just the other week I sent her to a spa day to relax and show how much I appreciate her but she showed no sign of affection.

I’ll see how the next couple of years go but I’ll probably end up finding somebody else to fill my needs. This doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife but I hate living like this.

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@KPMG 2 I think you need to set some expectations when it comes to her communication and participation in the relationship. True intimacy simply doesn’t happen without open communication.

Sex/intimacy is just a symptom. You’re asking her to do the work (communicate/therapy) to help you both understand what’s really happening in your relationship.

If she’s not willing to figure it out, that’s your real issue

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I think it sounds like you’re trying to justify your cheating and not take responsibility.

likehelpful

OK weirdo. I mean babe. You asked for opinions. This is my opinion.

Cheating is a choice. If you, an adult, can’t express yourself and you cheat because your needs aren’t being met, that’s on you. I feel like only emotional cowards or really immature people ever get into this situation. Just break up and move on if you aren’t happy. So much cleaner all the way around.

likefunny

That's called an open relationship, and it's not for me

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And yet all the people with whom you have emotionally vested relationships with isn’t considered cheating? Speaking to somebody other than your spouse about your marital ‘problems’ would then be cheating, right? I love how it’s interpreted as cheating when it’s physical yet women engage in all kinds of emotional cheating (which is even more damaging) and think nothing of it.

Cheating doesn't necessarily mean that you don't love your partner, but that's irrelevant to why cheating is devestating. It's devestating because you broke their trust and betrayed them.

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😵‍💫 again there was an agreement and time, emotion and energy was invested accordingly. Of course the spouse would be devastated wtf 😒 my head hurts as to why this is even a question / being debated. Figure out what you want and get your ducks in a row please.

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The cheated upon isn’t ‘heartbroken’ over ‘lost trust.’
They’re heartbroken because their partner found better. It’s the realization that they’ve let themselves go and were unable to compete in the marketplace.

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Dating like a sociopath be like…

It means you don’t respect your partner.

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This is the comment I was looking for.

Where’s Marketing Manager 1 at today

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Still lurking

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funny

What does the SOW say

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Um, there was an agreement and it was broken.

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OP that has everything to do with the cheater and not the cheated...

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Agree. My perception is that most people don't cheat but have "dalliances". These are never because they want to leave and in fact the opposite because they don't want to leave. It's because there is something they aren't getting at home. If that discussion has been had and still a disagreement then I don't think necessarily a bad thjng. That said, these should never create a challenge to the primary relationship (the marriage) nor should the effort to keep that diminish

Sure I'm going to get flamed for this

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Most people cheat because they are selfish and lack impulse control.

It’s devastating because they know you love them yet you betrayed them in the most horrible way.

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People don’t necessarily cheat because they want ENM (which is such a blegh term) or because they don’t/didn’t love their partner.

This is really simple. People cheat because they don’t know how to express their needs/wants in a relationship. Instead of communicating, they “lash out” in the form of cheating.

It’s immature and cowardly to cheat. Plain and simple. Use your words, folks!

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Best take on here. I stated this as ‘unmet needs’ (or even perceived needs). Most people who cheat assume they’ll never get what they want from the person they are with, or that they’ll be somehow satisfied if they cheat.

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You may still love your spouse but you definitely don’t respect them if you cheat (and I’m not sure you love someone if you don’t respect them). And can we stop acting like it’s an enormous act of will not to cheat. It’s really not.

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💯💯💯😒

The fact that you are asking this means you are thinking of it. I have done it before and i am reeling from the consequences of it. It is not worth it. It will eat you up. Speak to your partner and be assertive about what you need - even if it hurts her. That hurt is much less than what she will experience if you cheat. Cheating does so much damage to your partner as it makes her question her entire being and all the memories she had. The trauma is very similar to that of death, as she mourns the death of her relationship and who she thought you were. Recovering from that takes years if you're lucky. Many try for years and end up divorcing. Its not worth it. Be open, she may be hurt, but its hurt she can get over.

likehelpful

SA1, same for me. It’s been 8 years and just last night my wife started asking questions again. She got an answer she didn’t like (I committed to be 100% truthful) and we are on the outs today. It will blow over, but the trauma feels as fresh as if it all happened yesterday sometimes. It sucks. Love her more than ever and we had been doing better than ever this weekend. Sometimes I think when things are *too* good she has a hard time believing it and sabotages the moment by remembering how terrible my disclosure was. I hate it. But. She’s worth it.

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It really depends. Cultivated and recurrent cheating is much worse than an unplanned, one-time event.

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Both are just as bad... Former is a conscious choice. Latter is lack of self control and awareness 🫤 smh...

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Please don’t be in a committed relationship if you can’t commit to being monogamous.

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I couldn’t do the “ethically non-monogamous” thing because I’m a super jealous person. However, I don’t think a closeted affair necessarily means you don’t love your SO/spouse. Relationship dynamics change over time and sometimes people’s needs aren’t met physically. Having sex with the same person potentially for decades isn’t easy for everyone.

likefunny

Yeah cheating to me means you don’t love your spouse. Love requires trust and respect of which cheating does neither.

What’s exploring ethically? Like open relationships? You might need to align your expectations with your other person before you get into something commuted like a marriage then.

But damn, I think I just opened myself up to homemade biologists who are now going to compare humans to animals and how people are meant to be polyamory and mate with as many others as possible to ensure the spreading and multiplication of humanity. Oh well.

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Love doesn’t require trust or respect. I love my mother but I neither trust nor respect her. I loved an ex but had to break it off bc I couldn’t trust them bc of their addiction.

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I think doing something that drastic and choosing to do something that hurts the person you love THAT much isn’t love.

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