Does anyone else ever feel like they wish something would happen and they would just die a martyr? I have no intention of self harm but I’ve been depressed for exactly half of my life this year and I’ve made so many wrong choices. I’m just so tired.

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Yes I understand. I don’t wish to die a martyr..just wish sometimes to die because I feel the same as you.

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OP, I’ve been there. For me, hoping to die was the only hope I had left. Eventually, though, you can find something to hope for, something you want. I deeply wanted a wife, kid, a family of my own. I had just been depressed so long, I didn’t believe it could happen. That there was something wrong with me. I stopped hoping for it because of the pain. The thing is, I now no longer hope for death. I have a wife, and my kid is going to wake up for breakfast soon. My depression was blocking me from really hoping for what I wanted. It short circuited things. Getting that treated, making real changes in my life and my mindset really helped me start again and allowed me to hope for what I really wanted.

As far as mistakes go, everybody makes them. It is what you do next that counts. You can get through this. You will get through this.

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You can. It won’t be easy but, to paraphrase the musical Hamilton, “A head full of dreams of dying like a martyr? Dying is easy young man, living is harder”.

For me, I started to address my depression by fixing small things, pushing myself to work through my anxiety. It’s not easy, but the point of my story is that it’s doable. You can get there, there are obstacles in your way, and you’ll suffer setbacks. But you can get there. You just need to believe in yourself and find the help that works for you. It is worth it!

I wish I could die a martyr but there is nothing I believe in enough to sacrifice my life for, which is also something I don't like as consulting has made be cold inside (except family, but that would involve not sacrificing myself unless absolutely necessary).

But totally get you here otherwise, this year has been tough

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I sometimes wish I would get cancer or some other illness so I could die without having to kill myself. I don’t need to be a martyr. Just would like some peace from my misery when I am depressed.

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I feel your pain. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. I have things to live for now (wife, kids, job I like ok) but even now I have times where I wish I had died or would die. Depression is ongoing. Sometimes making it through the hour or the day is enough. Persist, no matter how hard it is. Get past those moments or times of trouble. There will be good moments. Continue to seek treatment and look for what helps you most: interpersonal contact, exercise, pets, religion, counseling, prescribed medications, whatever. Whether there are momentary breaks in the clouds or whether the sun comes out for a long time, enjoy those. Use them to sustain you. Survive. Live the best life you can under the circumstances. Know that people care about you even if you can’t think of any in a particular moment.

I’m so sorry OP. When I’ve considered this, I ask myself - have i tried everything? For example, I’d I find consulting draining and unfulfilling, why don’t I try working at a nonprofit or moving abroad? Give myself the chance to be a in a totally different environment. This hope that something will change and I will find meaning is enough to keep me going. You have nothing to lose if you already feel so down - that’s what I tell myself

OP, you’d be very surprised what exits are out there. I dipped out of a sh*t tech consulting role to a faang equivalent within my first year post UG. IB and MBB is super niche right, so yeah, you’re best bet is getting an MBA. Do it, just go out there with the end goal in mind

There's a cure for depression. Therapy and medication worked for me. I hope you are consulting your physician and psychiatrist to see what's best for you. Time always passes. You are strong and will come from this phase even stronger. Find your purpose. I wish you good health .

Yep, very often go to bed wishing I would never wake up. I have tried to make work changes, such as not taking as many cases or not taking certain types of cases, but of course I need to keep the money coming in. I really just want to run away and be left alone.

This is a common depression symptom. I’m so sorry you feel this way. As someone who has attempted suicide and been down some dark paths I just want to let you know that it can get better. It’s funny how terribly I used to regret my past actions and how compelling I thought all of the arguments were for why I was depressed now because it all seems so trivial. Depression has a way of blowing issues out of proportion but you can’t tell because your perspective is warped. Stay strong, don’t think of the past, and I hope you do better in the future. I will pray for you.

Same! except I’d be fine with just dying.

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