{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Does anyone else feel like law school and having a career have doomed you relationship wise? I’m in my late 20s and spent my mid 20s moving to different cities for my career. Now that I feel more settled in my career and life I feel like I turned around and realized I was the only single one left. And the dating options are horrid. I was never someone that worried about whether I’d find the right person, I figure it would fall into place, but I’m not so sure anymore.", "post_id": "5eb1f5204cdbd800212b2885", "reply_count": 94, "vote_count": 80, "bowl_id": "5da60c126e5f0d001f32f497", "bowl_name": "Women in Law" }

Does anyone else feel like law school and having a career have doomed you relationship wise? I’m in my late 20s and spent my mid 20s moving to different cities for my career. Now that I feel more settled in my career and life I feel like I turned around and realized I was the only single one left. And the dating options are horrid. I was never someone that worried about whether I’d find the right person, I figure it would fall into place, but I’m not so sure anymore.

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I’m now 50 and I’m single...but I married at 32. So if I can talk to my younger atTorney self, I’d tell her my story coming from future. Working as an in-house counsel then, I felt the preassure I’d singlehood. Met a guy with a great potential. I though he was a great guy. We had 4 kids together. After the second kid, I exchanged my career life for changing diapers and washing dishes full Time (figuratively, as combined we had the means to have a nanny etc). Yes? I had Ditched my quarter million dollar salary and high career for love and family. Joined the suburban mother’s life, happily. Years passed. Relationship became “more of the same”. He grew professionally and after 16 years of marriage, he cleaned our joint bank accounts before he announced divorce. He had found his next relationship, a 15 years younger girl (another in-house counsel) . I was left to start all over again and 4 kids at tow. It was so hard. So beautiful and smart goddesses, don’t worry and be very choosy. I bet you have so much to offer that you are not even aware of it. Your careers will never leave you or grow up and take off too. It’s all beautiful, even more beautiful on the outside than day to day reality is. Continue investing in yourselves, enjoying what you do and trust that there are many many more fun things than meeting Mr. Not So Right. Now as an executive coach for professionals, I can tell you that many of those so perfect relationships out there are not so perfect and balanced. Choose you, keep your eyes and ears closed to comparing weather or not you are the only single in the room. Perhaps you are the happiest and you don’t know it! And when the right guy come Along...let him in while keeping your own life, your own dreams, your own back.

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I’m on the other side of this but felt exactly like you did. I started to believe the whole “you can’t have it all” bullshit. You can. It’s not easy but my best advice for you is to not settle. Find someone who treats you as their equal and allows you to succeed. My husband is amazing. He isn’t a lawyer. I make more than he does and probably always will. He worked straight out of HS and didn’t go to college (he is taking courses now. It’s his biggest regret). But he wasn’t intimidated by me or my career. He is my biggest cheerleader. He has held back in his career to let me succeed when I was on the right path. Because of that I’m the youngest shareholder in my firm and the first mom. We have two amazing kids and he does more than his fair share with them and around the house. He does many of the traditionally female things. Groceries, laundry, etc. We work together and I can’t say I would have had my success without him or at least not my success and felt like I wasn’t failing as a mother. I met him when I was 28. We knew quickly that it was right and were married when I was 30. Two kids by 35 and I’m now 40. We didn’t feel the need to wait as long as we may have if we were younger. We knew. We had dated enough of the wrong people to know it was right. So all this to say don’t settle. Don’t give up on what you want personally or professionally. But also don’t think that your mr perfect will be what you think he will be. Be open minded. Good luck and have fun. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in your shoes and it’s been over a decade. I’m not sure how that happened.

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I understand how you associates feel. I put my legal career first. My top priorities were billable hours and partnership track. I watched my friends settle down and have babies — always the bridesmaid, never the bride (and never the cute pregnant mom). I dated plenty, but inevitably picked the wrong guys. I liked a challenge. If a guy chased me, I ran away. There must be something wrong with him, I thought. Just when I accepted I may never meet anyone right for me, this sweet guy entered my life. He was nothing like anyone else I dated. He wasn’t a lawyer, nor was he complicated. He went off to grad school to get his MBA and we continued to date. After my guy finished his MBA, he accepted a job where I lived and proposed. I said yes, and it was the best decision I ever made in my life. I didn’t know it at the time, but perhaps such realizations only come with age. What started as a friendship blossomed into a partnership of mutual love and respect. We’ve raised two beautiful children and he’s my best friend. He supports my career goals and is my rock. I don’t claim to be a relationship expert. But, at least for me, waiting until I was 32 to settle down with a kind, easy-going, loving man was the best decision I ever made. And I made partner too!

likeuplifting

I think finance guys are so much worse than lawyers!!! Of course that could be because my ex is a finance guy and 2nd marriage is a lawyer 😊

I felt this way when I was a junior associate in my late 20’s. It was definitely demoralizing - my time was not my own, the dating pool sucked, and I felt old. I definitely spent a few years thinking I had squandered my 20’s and would even ugly cry myself to sleep sometimes. However, I definitely turned a corner in my early 30’s. I was earning respect at work, gaining in seniority and confidence, and it showed in my personal life as well. I was becoming more comfortable with the person I had become and the feeling of regret started to go away. And then, almost miraculously, I met someone who was right for me. I couldn’t be more grateful that I waited for the right person and time in my life to get married. I promise that things fall into place.

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I’m with you. I’m 30 now, and I’ve been on the dating apps since I was 25. If you’re looking for a man in the Midwest, it’s bleak at best out there. I’m trying not to let my solo status stop my life though. I adopted a dog by myself at 27. I bought a house by myself at 28. I traveled to Southeast Asia for 3.5 weeks by myself at 29. If and when I do meet the guy for me, I don’t want to have waited to experience life. It’s too short.

likeuplifting

Punta Canta.

At 29 I started thinking it was time to have a family. At 30 I married a lovely man who would be a great father. We have 2 wonderful children and we’re married for 16 years. At 49, I was divorced. At 52, I married the love of my life. Nothing is a straight line. Take it one day at a time and make things happen. You make your own road and the choice is always yours.

likesmart

Did you feel like you settled when you decided to marry your first husband? I’m afraid I will eventually settle for someone who doesn’t feel like the love of my life only bc I want to start my family already.

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This is exactly how I feel (now more than ever for some reason) I’m 28. And being completely honest, it has made me question whether it was all worth it.

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I love this, but it gives me a lot of anxiety. Feels like I'm giving up...no judgment at all, I just feel my head is so messed up from society that doing something that could help me feels damaging?

Yeah, same here. I'm 29, I always assumed I'd meet someone in law school, then when that didn't happen I assumed I'd meet someone while practicing since I'd be back in my home city. I'm 4 years out now and it still hasn't happened and sometimes it feels like it never will. Then again my psychologist tells me I'm very young and that there are lots of great guys looking for a real connection out there, and that marrying young more frequently leads to divorcing young 🤷 not that I wish that on anyone! Maybe she's just saying that but it makes me feel better

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Your psychologist is right.

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I’m 30 and felt pressure to be in a relationship until around my 29th birthday. Personally, (i.e., not saying anyone else should feel the same) I now just feel relieved that I didn’t settle for something that didn’t fit with my life. There were people I dated that I could have made more space for in my 20s who I put second to law school and then my career, and looking at their lives now, I’m so glad it didn’t work out. (It helps that I’m an aunt though, so I still get to play with adorable little beans whenever I want.) Biological clocks are a real thing, so I don’t want to speak on anyone else’s choices, but if having biological children isn’t a necessary part of your vision for your life, there’s no reason why you can’t live the life you want in your late 20s/30s without a partner. For example: if you think “I wish I had a partner so I could go visit x place” or “check out y restaurant”—whatever, do it with a friend or with family or do it by yourself.

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I’ve never felt I couldn’t do something without a partner, I have always gone to restaurants, bars, even music festivals by myself because it’s what I wanted. I think for me I just feel like I’m getting to the point where if I meet my person some day I don’t want all my great experiences to just be stories I tell them, I want some of those to be experiences we had together. I’ll keep living my life to my fullest until I meet my person, but I hope I’ll get to live it to the fullest with someone someday soon.

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Women: men in their late 20s, 30s or even 40s rarely lament being single and are all about enjoying it. Let’s not act like we can’t live without them and instead invest in OURSELVES and enjoy our lives irrespective of whether we are hitched. Do everything you would not be able to do if you were strapped to someone or someone plus kids. Just saying 😎

likeuplifting

I've never been one to have this on my mind at all, but quarantine is doing it to me. In school all I did was stay in and study. I split my time back and forth between two cities and didn't feel right attaching myself to anyone because I was always on the move.... WELL NOW WHAT 😭

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Lol the way you wrote your post reminds me of.... me! I get it.

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Y’all gotta get on Bumble.

likehelpfulfunny

I married my boss (he hates when I phrase it like this but it’s technically true) so I guess I could say law school set me up for my relationship.

likefunny

I feel you. I'm 31. I feel like giving up on dating and hiring a matchmaker.

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I don’t always think it’s easy for men to find women (but depends on the city b/c that’s probably true in NYC but its the opposite in the Bay Area) because educated and successful men have complained to me so much that it’s hard to find a woman who isn’t fake and doesn’t just want to ride their coat tails and who challenges them. I’m from LA though so that might be a regional problem. There are guys out there still holding on hope to finding their right person and not just settling as well.

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Freeze your eggs if it’s the kid thing that is stressing you. Believe me you don’t want to rush into something just because of fear of not being able to have kids later.

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That’s a great point. If you’re open for adoption there’s so many older kids stuck in the system.. too many people are focused on adopting newborns

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Stoppp worrying about your love life and get after this money!! And after quarantine a new divorced batch will likely be around. Put yourself and your career goals first. You’ll meet plenty of potential spouses in the future.

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The right man will move heaven and earth to be with you — wherever you may be travelling as you advance your career. I am living proof of this as an international attorney. The men who weren’t right did NOT move heaven and earth lol... just saying, you will know in your bones when it’s right and so will he.

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That’s exactly how I felt for the longest time, and I eventually gave up on dating. Not long after that, I met my bf in the most random way (not on a dating app or being set up by friends). I was single all through law school and the first year of practice. I know everyone says this but it’s true- stop looking. I’m almost 28, so it sounds like we’re around the same age. You still have time and I know of many female attorneys who had healthy babies in their late thirties, so try not to stress too much. Also, when I was single and dating around, men my age were horrible. Bf is 8 years older than me and it’s great in terms of maturity and support of my career, so maybe consider dating men more than a few years older than you (if you aren’t already). Wishing you the best!

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Literally my life. Turning 28 in August

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I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn't get better. I got out of a long-term (6 years) relationship at 33, and my career takes up such a big part of my life that I feel like I don't have time to date or start a relationship. I know I could do it if I was really committed and things went right, but it just becomes less and less of a priority.

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Stack your paper and milk your careers now: guilt free.

likeuplifting

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