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Same. I’ve never fit in anywhere. I just put my headphones in and work. My strategy is to not let them know that I even notice that I’m not in their little clique talking about what movie was casting who for hours at a time. I need that time to work anyway. I’m not super social anyway so it works out. Sometimes it does get to me when I am always excluded/forgotten about when people order food, or what have you, but I remind myself that I prefer it this way and don’t need four or five people coming up to my desk every day to talk for 5, 10, or even 30 minutes when I’d rather get work done and get out of there.
KMPG 1, I was so happy to see someone else feels the same. To me work is work. Social time is separate. I don’t like getting distracted. But I’ve had several people tell me I’m too quiet, and literally to ‘not just talk about work’ 😂
It has long since been proven that solely having diversity, however defined, isn’t a panacea and can actually be a detriment to an organization. It is why people talk about Diversity AND INCLUSION, because it is the inclusion of our diverse people that creates the culture that we strive for.
I don’t have a lot in common with my teams either. I am a Senior Partner and however much I try to be in touch with them I am at a different place in life. My staff are closer in age to my kids. However I work to be inclusive. If we go to lunch, dinner, team event then certainly everyone is invited. I try to make sure everyone’s voices are heard and that I know everyone as well as they will allow.
It bothers me that people would leave a team member out of a lunch or dinner order. That is very High School and just isn’t the kind of culture that I try to foster on my teams. I am sorry to hear that that happens.
We have a plethora of training and discussions. Bias isn't changed when it's forced. I don't know what the solution is, but telling peoole they have to embrace diverity and include everyone has an adverse affect. As someone whose been discriminated against most of their life, I've noticed these discussions sometime breed more inclusion.
It’s unfortunate because I like my work and my client but I wish I had someone to relate to at work. I don’t want to change who I am to fit in but I also feel like I’ve tried my best to put myself out there and be outgoing. I feel like I’m always receiving awkward energy while my other teammates get warm receptions. Hmmm, any advice?
Took me couple years to realize that it’s a lot to do with how you feel about urself. Still working on it, as i do continue to sometime take small incidents to heart. Key is to have a thick skin at work.
Are you a minority? And yes it matters.. I’m black and was once on a team with the same situation. They all went to each other’s parties m would talk about it at work n I’d be like damn no invite.. anyway I just kept pleasant at work n hung out with my own friends 😌 don’t feel bad.
I figured, i was there. Just know this, you’re not alone. I suggest go to a therapist so as to not let your motivation die. That’s what hits your performance at work and it all gets worse. Also know this - most of them there are only faking it.
Be unabashedly YOU and always act with positive intent. There are a lot of people I work with that are nothing like me and whom I want to be nothing like. But I have respect for those who are true to who they are, contribute to the group with their best efforts, AND are respectful of others. You can’t control how other people feel or act, but you can give them an opportunity to see good in a person who is different from them. And at the end of the day, if they are dismissive of you, you shouldn’t need or want their validation anyway. As far as performance reviews, I think (and hope) that typically leadership will value your performance and professionalism and ability to work with others. I think there are some people who are great at “playing the game” and are able to progress more quickly and even with just mediocre performance. You have to let go of those types of things and accept that we all take different paths through our careers.
Great advice, I really appreciate this, thank you
Personally, I invest in a close group of friends (quality over quantity), so I’m not trying to befriend colleagues. Plus, befriending them and spending time outside the office can create perceived or actual bias, something I’d rather avoid altogether
Honestly, I’d forget about it. I’m outgoing and had the same feelings when I started. Ultimately, i gave up and found a couple people not in my group that I connected with. With time, you’ll develop working relationships that matter. Also, I’ve found that when I go on lunches with the office cliques, it’s boring as hell anyway. So, you’re not missing anything.
Quality advice
my teammates all privileged and bougie . then there's me.
Omg this! I come from parents who didn’t go to college, and I could tell my teammates all grew up very different and had more opportunities than me. I felt so out of place my first two years then it got better as I got to know ppl a few levels above me. Sometimes big4 rly does feel like an extended college.
Cliques are a different than not having anything in common. We battle cliques a lot here and that I understand. People are just starting to understand that “Diversity” as the term is used now doesn’t just mean that you include the obvious people of different backgrounds but that cliques are just as wrong. Sometimes the loudest same sex rights person in the office doesn’t understand that when they send out an IM about lunch to just a few on the team it is just as harmful to “Diversity” initiatives as more obvious exclusions. This should be brought up to office leadership. It is counter to all “Diversity” initiatives at all the large firms
P1, not really. People form cliques because they have things in common. This ldnds no room to allow others to join. The mock outsiders, treat them poorly, and intentionally make them feel bad.
Also being social is not natural for a lot of people. I’m 52 and still work on it. Working at it will make your career and life more enjoyable. Get out of your comfort zone from time to time. It honestly is required in the business world to be successful.
Maybe if you acted like you didn’t want to be included, they’d get curious. Like reverse psychology. Or like the dating advice adage, don’t chase be chased.
Also, ef them. Do you really want to spend any more time than you have to with ppl who never got over high school?
I’ve found it can be tough to break into a group, but easier to get to know someone one on one, who then maybe helps you interact with a group. Is there someone on your team that you seem more connected with than others? Try picking one person and getting to know them and maybe it opens up other relationships with the broader team. It really only takes one person to add you to an invite or event
👋🏾
I feel the same way- my teams are just not that social, and the only time they get together for anything it’s heading to a happy hour. I don’t drink, so I go along but I really just don’t feel like it’s clicking. I’m from a different part of the US, so while I like sports i don’t follow the local teams that the other guys do. I try and ask people how they’re doing, what’s going on in their lives, and tell them about mine, but I feel like I have to pry anything out of them, and it’s not natural. I feel like I have a wide variety of interests and do a lot outside work, but I feel like it’s just not working. I feel like this job is sucking the life out of me
Touché!
Boys club culture at KPMG! If you’re not one of them, then you’re not good enough.
True for the first part, definitely a frat culture in my office. But not true for the second part, I do think if you are a true contributor, the social thing could be minimal impact, social is a step up for some, but not the dealbreaker.
The thing is, what if you’re the outcast and a low performer? Cause that’s me 😔
P7 find another job. You don’t fit in where you are but there are plenty of places where you will. Keep your chin up in the meantime.
Recently transferred to a new group and I quickly noticed the cliques within our group. I tried to be nice, polite, respectful, I am not shy by any means, but after almost a year it seems like no matter what I do they are dismissive. Honestly this got to me in the beginning but now I just do not care, and just do my work and try to get out at a decent time. You just stop caring about those people
I know I don’t fit in but I don’t mind because I will always simply be me and will not compromise for the sake of being social. That said, you spend a good chunk of your waking hours together so if nothing else, you have work in common. Talk about that. I don’t mind being excluded from lunch since I like enjoying my food alone anyway but I’d take issue with skipping me on the orders and say something.
Yup. Nothing in common. So if I want to be social, I just listen to them talk about what they are interested in while I’m at work. Maybe learn something new. I have different priorities after work, so the exclusion from their activities outside of work, I can easily shrug off.
Need more info. How can you not have anything in common with a group of people larger than two? Nothing in common? What are your interests that no one else is into?
Maybe look up things they like and ask them about it. And share something cool you know and see if they can find it interesting.
tax manager 1 agree. took me a long time to come to terms with this.